Pulp Wrestling: Se7en
Posted by Jules McPherson
on 02/05/2006
Welcome one and all to the seventh deadly edition of the column that is heavy on the gore but light on the snores. In today's edition, we will be taking a light hearted stroll down into the steaming hot, putrid pits of Hell itself. Wrestling Hell that is. In this column, I will be your proverbial Virgil (no, not that Virgil, idiots) guiding you into the dark abyss of Pro-Wrestling Purgatory that is Pulp Wrestling.
The Seven Deadly Sins as described in Dante Alighieri's "Divine Comedy" are as follows: pride, greed, anger, lust, gluttony, & sloth. Each sin has it's own special and specific punishment associated with it in the fiery rings of Hell. Wrestlers, however, because of their extremely brutish and troublesome nature, have been alloted their very own set of special punishments according to the Gods of Grappling that preside over the "Great Wrestling Ring In The Sky." In this column I will attempt to explain these punishments.
You could think of this as sort of a road-map for young wrestlers on how to avoid the fiery pits of damnation. As along with the Sins and Punishment I will also attempt to explain the divine alternative to each sin. These alternatives are known collectively as 'The Seven Heavenly Virtues.' And they provide the only known way out of the pits of Wrestling Hell ( Which is somewhere near Death Valley & Dudley-ville I'm told) and onto the golden championship belt paved road that leads to 'Wrestling Heaven' ( Which is somewhere near Parts Unknown & Stamford).
Now on with the column...
"I have come up with a single sentence that includes all of the Seven Deadly Sins: greed, anger, pride, lust, gluttony, sloth, and envy. Here it is. "It enrages me that I, a clearly superior person, should have less money than my neighbor, whose wife I would love to f*ck if I weren't so busy eating Pork Chops and sleeping all day."
George Carlin
The Seven Deadly Sins
The first sin we are going to discuss in this column is the sin of pride. Sometimes referred to as 'vanity' pride is the excessive belief in one's own abilities or an over-estimation of one's own self worth. They say in the Bible that pride is the sin from which all other sins originate. In wrestling the sin of pride takes precedence when one wrestler refuses to put over another wrestler or when someone 'shoots' on somebody else it is usually because they feel their pride has been insulted in someway by the person/company they are shooting on.
We are all guilty of this sin at one time or another whether it be in a big or small way. Even if it is something as minuscule as being too proud to tell someone close to you that you love them. To be sure there have been many guilty of this sin in the history of professional wrestling. Among the leading perpetrators of pride and vanity right now are John Bradshaw Layfield, (who actually believes himself to be of divine lineage) Paul 'Triple H' Levesque, and finally Vincent Kennedy McMahon.
For these men pride has become a way of life. What would a Triple H promo be without him reminding us all that he is in fact "That Damn Good?" And how empty would a JBL segment be if he didn't take the time to remind us all that he is to quote it straight from the Horse's mouth "A Wrestling GOD?". ( A Horse by the way is the animal that is most commonly associated with the sin of pride throughout history) On the flip side of that though there is the man whom many in the business believe to be Satan incarnate in Vincent Kennedy McMahon. His pride has helped him dominate and destroy every single promoter that has ever dared to compete against him.
Rest assured though according to the sacred texts that one day all of these men unless they turn from their wicked ways will indeed be damned by a God who will send them all to Hell with a real fire spewing Satan presiding over it. And I imagine that Vince's first and final remarks to this lava-spewing beast will probably be something to effect of "Come and get me you big red son of a bitch!" Hell's punishment for pride is that when you die you will be stretched and broken on a spinning wheel onto which you will be strapped for all eternity. The punishment for pride in "Wrestling Hell" is that the unrepentant soul will be forced to Job eternally to the likes of Barry Horowitz and Dwayne 'Gillberg' Gill.
The Contrary Virtue To The Sin Of Pride Is Humility.Humility is the humbling of yourself before God or another human being. A good example of humility being displayed in professional wrestling occurs when one wrestler congratulates another after losing a hard fought bout. Such an example of this type took place during WrestleMania Six when Hulk Hogan was defeated by 'The Ultimate Warrior' yet still had enough respect for his adversary to humble himself before more than 60,000 shocked and screaming fans by personally handing over the WWF title and then raising the Warrior's hand in victory.
Heaven's reward for humility is that those that humble themselves in life will be exhalted greatly by God in the afterlife ( The meek shall inherit the earth). Wrestling Heaven's equivalent to this is that when a wrestler of great humility passes away he will be granted Main Event status for the rest of his days and will never again have to put over anyone. So sayeth the good Lord Alfred Hayes.
Also known as avarice/covetousness. Greed is defined as "a strong desire for worldly things." Whether it be lusting for a physically tangible substance such as money or a perceived thing such as power or prestige. We can commit the sin of greed very easily ourselves by being dishonest on our tax reports about minor issues. ( minor to us maybe but certainly not to Uncle Sam) In wrestling the sin of greed takes center stage in contract negotiations. A famous example would be when a wrestler holds out on a promoter or "no shows" because he or she feels that they weren't given enough money for their talents. Also a wrestler that covets championships can be considered guilty of this sin as well.
Notable examples of wrestlers who have subscribed to the classic 'Michael Douglas' motto of "Greed is Good" are, 'The Million Dollar Man' Ted Dibiasi, 'The Nature Boy' Ric Flair and again Vincent Kennedy McMahon. (making his 2nd appearance in this column already) Ted Disiasi was the classic stereotype of a man gone mad over money. While Ric Flair seemed to have had a strong greed for gold himself. Vince McMahon on the other hand greeds purely for power and control of others. Hells punishment for greed is that the guilty will be boiled alive in hot bubbling oil. Keep in mind though, that is the most expensive oil that money can buy. In Wrestling Hell however, the punishment for greed is that the guilty offenders will be forced to wait hand and foot on Virgil (Yes
Virgil) for the rest of eternity.
The Contrary Virtue To The Sin Of Greed Is GenerosityTo be generous means to share your earthly and spiritual possessions with your brothers here on earth. Heavens reward for generosity is that those who have been faithful to give instead of take will be given to greatly upon their entrance into the next world. A good example of a wrestler that has been generous in his career would be Ric Flair. He may have been greedy for championships, but he was never stingy with them. Throughout his legendary thirty year career he has helped put over an entire generations worth of future superstars.
Another legend who was very generous throughout his hardcore career was Mick Foley. Foley has always been known to fans and friends alike as a very loving and kind hearted person. And he was also very good to the business over the years in terms of helping establish new stars like The Rock, Stone Cold and Triple H.The reward in Heaven's wing for pro-wrestlers is that those who have been generous with their possessions (meaning championships) and talents and helped to put over the next generation of superstars will be blessed with many numerous riches and finely adorned robes. They will also get their own express lier jet so that they may make as many repeated trips to 'Space Mountain' as they so desire.
The third sin to be covered on this list of wrestling offenses is the sin of envy. Envy is to feel jealous or to covet the possessions or traits of somebody else. There have been many accusations of this sin in the annals of pro-wrestling history. Just count in your head the number of times you have heard one wrestler decry that he or one of his trademarks was copied or emulated by another wrestler.
Recently the leading culprit of this sin has been a young lady by the name of Mickie James. Her character is so envious and obsessed with Trish Stratus that she openly stalks her. ( Although this storyline is now turning toward a more lustful innuendo which I feel is a huge mistake.) The punishment for envy is that when you die you will be dipped repeatedly into freezing cold water. The punishment in Wrestling Hell for this offense is that you will be forced to be on the very stiff receiving end of every single maneuver you ever stole from another wrestler. These moves will be administered from the likes of Big Van Vader and Bruiser Brody.
The Contrary Virtue To The Sin Of Envy Is Love.It is vital that we learn to love all of our fellow brothers down here on earth. ( provided they're not assholes) Furthermore it will require much effort from down deep within us, but we must endeavor to never covet the possessions of our fellow Wrestling fans either. Even if they are quite lofty possessions such as custom made Championship Belts, Autographed pictures of your favorite Superstar and most importantly Wrestlemania tickets. Our reward in heaven for showing love to our brethren will be that we will be blessed with much love and kindness from our creator when our souls make that final ascent upwards. The reward in Wrestling Heaven will be countless victories over the largest legends in wrestling history. Indeed up there all will be possible, Rey Mysterio will Press Slam Andre The Giant and The Big Show will start performing Twisting Shooting Star's over the top rope to the floor.
"And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious Anger!"
Jules - Pulp Fiction
It is undeniable that anger (sometimes referred to as 'Wrath') is the driving force behind many wrestling characters both past and present. Just one look at some of these guys and you'd think those sneers and grimaces were surgically attached. I won't even bother trying to make a list for this one because to do so would pretty much indite every single person in the history of wrestling. (And I just don't have that kind of time motherf*cka's) Hell's punishment for those with anger issues is that those who lacked mercy with their brothers on earth will be Dismembered Alive. Wrestling Hell has no punishment for this offense since that would just be ridiculous now wouldn't it? On a side note I guess if Hell did have a punishment for this it would probably be something to the effect of being set on fire and then having your balls hooked up to a car battery by Kane.
The Contrary Virtue To The Sin Of Anger Is Patience.As It is quoted in the good book of Guns N' Roses, all we need is just a little patience my brothers. Patience is not only an affective way to ward off anger in one's self. But it is also a good policy to practice, well, just because. There is a long history in wrestling of rewarding those who have shown patience with the product and with regards to their current placements on the roster. Just take a look at the heart-warming sagas of Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero. Heavens reward for those who were patient in life is that they will no longer have to wait for anything that they desire once they are up above. Wrestling Heaven's reward is a sweet Lowrider with custom rims.
Now we're getting into the good ones finally. Lust is a sin that each and every one of us males commit every single day of our lives nearly twenty four seven. And most of us have absolutely no intentions of ever stopping or even slowing down at that pace. We commit the sin of lust cardinally by allowing ourselves to be lured into temptation by those "heavenly devilish" creatures known as 'females'. Wrestling over the years has had many lustworthy divas to be sure. Could this perhaps be the only sin on here that might actually might be worth losing your soul for? Well, lets see shall we... Hell's punishment for the sin of lust is that when you die you will be smothered in hot burning fire and brimstone ( not kisses ) for all eternity. Wrestling Hells punishment for lust is a fiery double stinkface from Rikishi and Mae Young.
The Contrary Virtue Against The Sin Of Lust Is Chastity.
Oh screw it, just send me to Hell already.
In ECW there was a chant often heard when an unknown heavyset wrestler would show up to compete. It went something like this, "You Fat f*ck! You Fat f*ck!" Gotta love those classic ECW fans.
Gluttony is to partake in anything to an excessive and damaging amount. Are you one of those people who just can't put down the f***in' Cheese Cake? If so then there is a spot designated in the sixth circle of Hell that's just waiting especially for your fat ass to show up. Although, gluttony carries with it it's own punishments such as heart attacks and the reduced ability to get laid. There have in the past been some pretty mobile big fellows to speak of... Bam Bam Bigelow seems an appropriate name to bring up for this "Hell themed" column.
But for every Bam Bam, there have been a parade of Viscera's and Big Sal's ( Where's my pizza?) and Mark Henry's to speak of. Gluttony does not strictly pertain to food alone though. Too much consumption of anything is unhealthy for our earthly bodies. The punishment in Hell for the glutenous is that they will be force fed rats, toads, and snakes. The punishment in Wrestling Hell is that you will have to drink ten gallons of Simon Dean's protein shakes every hour on the hour until the end of time. I think I'd go with the snakes myself...
The Contrary Virtue To The Sin Of Gluttony Is AbstinenceWhen most people think of abstinence the image that comes into their mind is one of sexual purity nowadays. But abstinence simply means to abstain. Not just from sex, but from anything that could prove to be harmful to your body or your mind. For a wrestler to abstain from eating like a damn pig is vital since very few people anymore are into matches that pit two overweight tugboats crashing into each other with a barrage of weak punches and kicks only to see both wrestlers winded and bloated at the end of five minutes. Heavens reward for abstinence is that you will be given a new and beautiful body once you enter into it's kingdom. Wrestling Heaven's reward is six pack abs and a hot valet who will pleasure you for the rest of your days.
The sin of Gluttony is a supremely good lead in to our next sin on this list... which is...
Now here is a sin that most Wrestling fans ( at least hardcore ones) will simply not tolerate in any shape or form whatsoever. If a wrestler is deemed to be extremely slow, boring or just generally lazy chances are that wrestler will have a very difficult time winning the crowd over to his side. ( unless he's got a yellow bandanna tied around a big balding scalp that is) Laziness is something that effects the product in a very negative way. Lazy writing, lazy booking and lazy announcing can just flat out ruin our enjoyment of the product that the WWE is offering.
Examples of people whom have been deemed lazy and slothful in the eyes of the fans in the past have been Kevin Nash, Jeff Jarrett and the entire WWE creative team. Hells punishment for slothfulness is that you will be thrown into the snake-pits. (Go get em' Jake!) Wrestling Hell's punishment is very similar only it involves a very different kind of "Snake" that will be rectally inserted and pumped into your lethargic ass for the rest of eternity by none other than *shivers* Gooold... dust.
The Contrary Virtue To The Sin Of Sloth Is DiligencePerhaps the most cherished of all wrestling virtues. Diligence is a combination of the classic never say die attitude mixed with a grit and toughness that will carry us through most any obstacle that gets in our way. Good examples of diligence can found in the likes of Chris Benoit and Kurt Angle. It is through their diligent work that they have gained an incredible following among the IWC and also the general wrestling populous as well.
Through many long hard years of hard work and toil they have struggled and succeeded in capturing many championships because of the work that they put in. Heaven's reward for diligence is that once you enter into the kingdom all of your hard work will be paid off and then some and you will be able to receive your due time of rest. Wrestling Heaven's reward is consistent five star match ups against even the most slothful of opponents. (Except Mark Henry, whom it seems even the miracle workers are having trouble with)
So now be warned future sinners. You now know the fate that awaits you all. What you decide to do with the information though is entirely up to you. I hope you enjoyed the column and furthermore I hope to see all of you enter into that great ring in the sky someday very far off from now. So preacheth the good reverend Jules.
Well, that's all for this edition. Since this column was centered around sinning and what not I will not force any Commandments onto you this time out. I hope you enjoyed this strange little ride into "The Seven Deadly Sins". As always feedback is appreciated and even encouraged. Be good to your brothers and sisters.
Jules
Send all feedback to: mcphersonbilly@hotmail.com
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