The Village Idiot: I'm The Frickin' Idiot
Posted by TWV Guest Columnists
on 09/11/2006
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Guest Column By Chris James
Originally written on September 5th.
I am Chris James and welcome all of you smart marks out there who think they know the wrestling business, front, back, and side to side. For the next twenty five minutes, I am going to waste your lives with my mindless banter and droning, blabbering opinions about my opinion on wrestling today. RAW has just finished and it's time for the un-rated, uncensored, and unbelievable column that you will see on no other site: The Village Idiot.
Tonight, I feel like taking a little time away from wrestling though and pay tribute to Steve Irwin, the one who the world knew as The Crocodile Hunter who tragically passed away last night after a freak accident. I'm at a loss of words over this his passing as I was a fan of hearing "
Crickey! Danga! Danga," and "
Whoa, Nelly; She's a big one!" Honestly Steve, the world will not be the same without you. Thank you for the memories.
I need to start us off tonight by announcing to all my readers that I, Chris James, predicted the whole card for Unforgiven in my last column and I have come to a conclusion, that most of my critics bashed me for, that in my title for that column had "...and how great I am." And now I can say
haha-frickin'-ha to all who claimed I had a big head. That's right. I went five for five predicting matches for the card and tomorrow night I will be buying a lotto ticket and I'll tell you how that went at a later date. This card looks better than the Summerslam card and I might just buy my first pay per view since WrestleMania XX.
Okay, let's talk about RAW. How can I not talk about RAW? We saw a great show tonight, little of DX, little of The McMahons, and little of John Cena, and I think we can all be thankful for that. Jeff Hardy versus Johnny Nitro was the match of the night, and of course, we were in Atlanta on a Monday night, so we couldn't have a clean finish to a championship match. Other than that, I thought we saw a great match here with good spots from both wrestlers. Nitro missed his handstand legdrop and Jeff got off all but a Swanton, but again, it was a good opening match. I hope the match at Unforgiven is better though because if they can provide this good of a match on RAW, they better pull out all the stops on Pay Per View. I also have to give props to Jeff Hardy for his paint joke. That had me rolling around for a good few minutes.
Then we saw Chris Masters run an open challenge to anyone in the back for a match. And for the second time in two weeks, Masters got off one move and lost. Maybe this is punishment for why he got suspended? Because jobbing to Super Crazy doesn't do much for your career. Why is Super Crazy even on RAW people?! There's a SmackDown! show with no Cruiserweight Title competition. There's ECW with Matt Striker and Rene Dupree. Why is he on RAW? They could have moved Ken Kennedy to RAW instead of having him win the US Title. They could have had Matt Hardy make the move to RAW instead of having
him feud for the Cruiserweight Title. Hell, they could have even had Shelton Benjamin appear on RAW for once and do his thing. Why Super Crazy? I don't have anything against the man, but I don't understand why an under six foot, under two hundred pounder gets put on RAW.
After a short commercial break, we got treated to a snore fest promo by The McMahons and The Big Show with security around the ring. RAW sucked last week with the lack of Vince on the mic, but this segment seemed to drag on too long. It wasn't like watching paint dry, but it just didn't have that normal Vince flare for a promo. Then we got treated to an appearance by a pissed off, serious DX. HBK looked like one of those pointer dogs with his eyebrows rolled over his eyes and his upper lip out just a little bit. He was at Triple H's side like "There he is! There he is!" and throwing out his front paw. And if anyone didn't see the assault on the security crew coming, I don't know what programming you were watching, but the one fat guard took one too many chair shots to the head if you ask me. I'm going to give out a little Steve Irwin love and shout out
crickey at this segment.
Phew, I thought RAW couldn't get any worse. I was looking forward to any kind of development for the main event, or maybe some Armando Alejandro Estrada, but that was not to be as we got treated to RAW's version of a tag team division all in one match. As soon as the Highlanders came out, I knew that they were winning no matter who they were facing. And then The Jobber Squad came out which consisted of Trevor Murdoch (who once claimed he was going to beat Ric Flair like his daddy did) and Lance "I was once going to be called HB" Cade and the other team of Viscera and Charlie Haas. And to my surprise, I was right again as I called the Highlanders winning. Hopefully at Unforgiven, the unforgiving reign of the cheerleaders will stop. Then The Highlanders can feud with Cryme Tyme and if anyone saw their debut promo, they should be spending their
tyme in jail right about now for premeditated assault and battery, assault with a deadly weapon, and armed robbery. But hey, that's just me. I just want to know how much they really want us to believe nowadays.
Onto the Ric Flair segment. Boy, was that a doosy. Ric Flair solidified himself as the stylin', profilin', jet flyin', limo ridin', wheelin' dealin', kiss stealin',
wooo son of a gun (I'm surprised I remembered all that). He kissed Maria, said his two bit, and we got greeted by my favorite character on the show. I just wish everybody would listen to him for once. I thought, oh gawd, here we go...put us through another Umaga/Ric Flair match. Granted, we saw it no more than four months ago, but then to my surprise Kane made his return to RAW. I honestly did not see that coming as a normal person would take more than two weeks to recover from a crushed larynx but hey, again, that's just me. Umaga and Kane brawled for a bit until Umaga tumbled out of the ring and they had to take the camera off of him because he looked like an Oompa Loompa rolling around. I really don't like Umaga. His manager I can cope with, a-ha, but him not so much. I'm going to give some more Crocodile Hunter love and yell out "
Whoa, Nelly; She's a big one!" because his man titties rival only those of one Ric Flair.
And honestly? I turned off RAW knowing what was going to happen in the main event. I called it at 10:30. The divas were going to be in the finish because in mixed tag matches they always are. And I asked one of my friends how the finish went down, and boy o boy to my surprise, guess what? Lita pinned Trish. Like
total shocker. To me? It was a great show. One of the best RAWs I have honestly seen all year. It was a good rebound from last week, it had a few low points, but overall good show.
And now, is the time you've all been waiting for. This is why you have been reading this column and now the time is finally here. The drums should be rolling. The eyes should be locked on the screen. Don't worry about bringing because it's already been brought, taken back for a full refund, and then some. Anyways, that's right; it's time for me to reveal to you the Village Idiot of the week. And the award goes to? The Undefeated! Samoan Bulldozer, a-ha,
Uuumaga for his brilliant performance on this week's RAW. He didn't even have a match and botched twice. For those ECW fans reading, that's referred to "
You f*cked up" in your language, but to the rest of the world, it was just funny. First, Kane kicks him the face and he falls out of the ring and tries to Victoria through the second rope, but falls off the apron and onto his back, where he kind of rolled over but didn't quite make it and the camera had to take the view off the sight of it. Then, Kane goes to shoot of his pyros, and he finally gets to his feet and runs back up on the apron and gets them right in his face. I went to Summerslam as most of you know and I could feel Kane's pyros from a good hundred feet away, and the feeling stayed with me for about thirty seconds after they went off. I can only imagine how Umaga felt after that one.
Well anyways folks; that's it for this week's edition of The Village Idiot. I'll most likely be back within the next two or three days with a follow up edition in case anything interesting happens between now and then, but if nothing does, this is Chris James saying adios, have a good night everyone. RIP Steve Irwin; 1962-2006.
My only plug tonight would be to go back a page and read the Phantom Lord's "Rant Of The Week." When he finally gets one posted (HBK stare at Joe), it's always a great read.
Send feedback to
JetsNYankees8325@aol.com.
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