The Village Idiot: Mama Didn't Raise No Fool
Posted by TWV Guest Columnists
on 09/08/2006
Want to get your column on this site? Just click here and follow the instructions. No experience is needed!
Guest Column By Chris James
Hello and welcome, all of you smart marks out there who think they know the wrestling business, front, back, and side to side. For the next twenty five minutes, I am going to waste your lives with my mindless banter and droning, blabbering opinions about my opinion on wrestling today. The exit is to the right if you want to leave now. If you are intrigued and would like to know more about this column, you can go to your local library. Or like most civil beings, you can scroll down and read.
First off, let me introduce myself. They call me Ishmael. No, the name is Chris James and I am writing from the Quiet Corner in Northeast Connecticut. As of right now, it's 4:31 AM on a very dark and rainy September the 8th, 2006. I am a huge New York Yankee fan, as am I also a New York Jet fan so I will be incorporating these two teams as the sports seasons progress in season. As Rick Steiner used to say, if you don't like me? Bite Me. I have been watching wrestling since I was very young. I watched WrestleMania V live. Rockers versus Afa The African Dream and The Big Boss Man. Hercules versus Haku. The Ultimate Warrior versus Rick Rude. Mr. Perfect versus The Blue Blazer. And of course: Hulk Hogan versus "The Macho Man" Randy Savage. I was not a fan of Hogan then, and as of going to see Summerslam live last week, I still am not to this day. What else can I say about myself? I like long walks on the beach, midnight picnics in the park, and a late cup of Joe at 3 AM. More on that later.
As for right now and as long as the nice people who allow me to write this let me, I will be giving you my sound opinion on what it's like to sit up and watch WWE Presents: RAW every Monday night at 9 PM. With Monday Night Football coming up, RAW better be producing or I know ESPN will be getting a visit from this disgruntled wrestling fan. RAW has come along way from the ballroom in 1993. RAW Is WAR had Macho Man on commentary. Repo Man stealing Macho Man's hat. Bobby "The Brain" Heenan trying to get into the building dressed as a woman. Scott Steiner with long blonde hair. IRS, and, Oh, so much more. Now we have The True Thug, John Cena. The Spirit Squad. And everyone's favorite
undefeated, Samoan Bulldozer, Uuumaga! Now, every'a'body listen to me, ha-ha. My name es....okay, I'll save you all your time because you know what's coming next.
What we have now is a mockery of wrestling, or, as we have come to know it, "Sports Entertainment." So we all know wrestling's not real. Every father and mother and older sibling has told us this before. So, getting body slammed onto half inch tacks isn't real? I want that person that invented the "wrestling isn't real" tag line to fall into some tacks one day while he, or she, is at work and then while withering in pain, tell me how much acting was involved. Wrestling is very real. 1957. Bob Orton Sr. defeated someone with a Suplex. Wrestling...is real. Now all this selling garbage that Shawn Michaels puts us through every week...that's sports entertainment. Being busted open by a flat, metal chair. If you are keeping score at home, that's sports entertainment. And who's to blame? The Genetic Jackhammer. Mr. Ruthless Aggression. McMahon...MC-MA-HON! That's right; Vincent Kennedy...McMahon (Junior ). Or as Shane O' Mac puts it every week, "My Father." I swear if he says "My Father" one more time...I'll just scream. He could join DMX on their new tour and just repeat that, to a beat, with a little mixing in the back, "My father...my father...my...my..my fa..fa..father. My Father. My Father."
So what's wrong with RAW? This isn't 1989 or WrestleMania V. This isn't 1993 or RAW IS WAR. This isn't 1998 and WWF Attitude. John Cena is not The Rock. John Cena is not Stone Cold Steve Austin. And John Cena is not Hulk Hogan. Now Adam Copeland, Edge, on the other hand...I like him. I don't know why they canceled his "Cutting Edge" show. After what he said to Michael Hayes, that was instant ratings. His Live Sex segment on RAW after New Year's Revolution scored a 5.1 segment rating. That's right. The highest rating for any segment in wrestling's history in over seven years. And the little pre-pube children and the teenage girls and the single moms still root for John Cena. What is wrong with RAW is John Cena and I won't say anymore than that. He's stopped rapping, which is what got him to the dance in the first place (no lie; Stephanie McMahon heard him free styling once backstage) and he doesn't have the underdog story anymore because he either mounts his five move comeback or he doesn't. It's just all too bland and predictable.
Rock made the DDT look pretty. John Cena has a shoulderblock. How can you make a shoulderblock any better? It's a football move. Rock had the Peoples Elbow. "The Most Electrifying Move in Sports Entertainment Today." John Cena has the Five Knuckle Shuffle, which ran its course as soon as he dusted off Tim White's shoulder on SmackDown! a few years back. Rock had the Sharpshooter, which was a legit submission move that he never won a match with. John Cena has the STFU, which is a half assed STF and makes William Regal look besmirched. It's an insult to the STF. And anyone catch the connotation to "STFU" and "Yeah, Shut The F**k Up." Or the FU "F**k You." Great television programming for our young viewers out there. And the moms and dads just buy it up. The t-shirts and the little wrestling figures and the movies, and everything. Little kids are now saying "FU" like it's the cool thing to do. If I said that when I was seven? Soap in the mouth. Am I wrong?
Well, I can cope with John Cena. Honestly. I'm going to stop running him into the ground. On terms of that, I never want to see Matt Striker on RAW again. I would rather kick myself in the crotch than hear "I am Matt Striker and I am your teacher." One. More. Gawd. Damn. Time. We have a guy who dresses in yellow and pink underwear and a fleece sleeveless striped shirt and has the Forrest Gump fade haircut. I liked him when he was fighting Angle on SmackDown! in the open invitational, but this is just retarded. I'm sick of seeing gimmicks left and right. Papa Shango was a different story. That was an actual gimmick. But a wrestling teacher? Who is Vince fooling? Not only that, but I guess we're ignorant because just no more than a month ago, Michelle McCool debuted on SmackDown! as...get this...a teacher.
Another thing that irks me about RAW is the lack of actual interesting matches. I remember in 2004 when Edge and Randy Orton used to have half an hour matches. Or Chris Jericho and Edge. Chris Jericho and Christian used to entertain. Now, if you see a title match booked for RAW, it will be no more than fifteen minutes absolute max, with a commercial break and a dusty finish. Or if the fans actually enjoyed the once in a blue moon title change, Vince will no doubt change it back at a house show the next night (Christian vs Booker T; I'm still angry over that). WWE needs to plant the Intercontinental Title on someone like a Ken Doane or an Umaga or a Jeff Hardy, or somebody that can carry the division. Don't get me wrong; Johnny Nitro is a great athlete with amazing in ring ability. But the man has zero reaction and after his buzzkill promo that could sober up a drunk on last week's RAW, things have to change. WWE went from having Randy Orton have a seven month reign and then later, Carlito who had close to a six month reign. But the thing was they were both entertaining and good on the mic. Johnny Nitro is not. I will always remember Johnny Nitro as Eric Bischoff's lackey and nothing more. Oh, and that time he got
blasted with a kendo stick by Tommy Dreamer after he won Tough Enough. I don't care how many times the back of Nitros' head has seen Melina's cootch...he just needs to drop the title. I'm sick of seeing him with it.
One last thing, then I'll finish this shin dig up. One final thing. I thought Big Show left RAW? I defiantly thought he did. I mean, I could have sworn he was the ECW World Heavyweight Champion. Then, he shows up on RAW. If this was 1997, marks would be flipping out. But alas, no; ECW works for WWE now so people don't "jump ship" anymore. They just come and go between the brands as they like. I still don't get it though. That means he has to travel to RAW to tape RAW and then travel to wherever they are taping SmackDown! to tape ECW later that night. I mean, the man's food budget is enough and at 3.26 a gallon, now they're making him travel to two cities in two days? Big Show can't carpool. What would be the point? He's the only one sitting on the back of the Hummer. And when I mean on the back, I mean more tied to the roof ala
National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Christmas tree. And even if he could fit in a limo, you know Big Show helped weakened the axel of that limo DX pulled out
American Graffiti style. Shocks can only take so much of that man. So in the end, he's on Extremely Crappy Wrestling on Sci Fi. He's the World
Heavyweight Champion of cruiserweights, drug addicts, and steroid abusers. Life can't get much worse for Big Show. Well, I suppose we could launch him into outer space and make him our ninth planet now that Pluto doesn't meet the requirements.
And now it's time for me to announce to you all, The Village Idiot of this week. And please may we have a drum roll? And in fashion of the Emmys that took place last Sunday night, I'm going to give you our nominations for The Villiage Idiot. And they are....Vince McMahon...Shane McMahon...Triple H...Shawn Michaels...or the fans. And for the millions of us watching at home...the Village Idiot this week...is us. The homegrown viewer of WWE programming. Because who in their right mind has the tolerance, let alone testicular fortitude, to watch another week of this crap? I will see you all next week, as I bring to you the un-rated, uncensored, and unbelievable column, that is, The Village Idiot.
Send feedback to
JetsNYankees8325@aol.com.
Want to get your column on this site? Just click here and follow the instructions. No experience is needed!
Copyright © 2005; TheWrestlingVoice.com & Douglas Nunnally.
All Rights Reserved.
Disclaimer & Privacy Statement
