Welcome back my friends to the show that never ends, come inside come inside and lets go for a ride as its time once again for the Rant of the Week. As always I am your ringmaster, pilot, ship’s captain, and resident lunatic of the IWC Phantom Lord and once again we shall dive into the murky waters that are the world of Professional Wrestling. I have to admit I out did myself with that introduction. It can’t be all serious all the time. But as I sit here listening to Tom Petty as I stream Last Dance with Mary Jane on http://www.endradio.com and it’s an interesting song considering the past couple of weeks of notable wrestling death’s.
In the last two weeks we have lost three of the greats in the world of wrestling with the passing of “The Big Cat” Ernie Ladd, Bad News Allen/Brown & “The Golden Boy” Arnold Skaaland. Now aside from Bad News Brown, Ernie Ladd and Arnold Skaaland were way before my time. But with posters on youtube staying one step ahead of the WWE you can at least see a bit of what you missed out on. It’s amazing how different wrestling from 20 years ago is compared to now. But Wrestling from 30 years ago is like light and day. Anyway if you’re bored just do a search on YouTube for Ernie Ladd or Bad News Brown.
There is a great “Andre The Dummy” promo floating around and Ernie puts to shame damn near any wrestler of today’s modern era. For Bad News Allen/Brown there’s plenty of his work in Stampede and Japan floating around. My personal favorite is from the Saturday Night’s Main Event on WWE 24/7 right now where they show the clips of the infamous “Miss Elizabeth did favors for Jack Tunney” promo. Now to put things in perspective, now a day’s if you say a woman in wrestling has done favors you’ll probably get a good pop from the crowd. But back in 89, to basically call Miss Elizabeth a whore was as low as you could get. While watching those segments I also forgot how beautiful she really was. It’s really a shame she is no longer with us.
Bad News Brown was really a character ahead of it’s time. If he came about during the peak of attitude, he would have given Stone Cold a real run for his money. Of course the best thing about the character was he was every bit the brawler he said he was. Allen won a bronze medal in the Olympics in Judo. He was the first American to do that so when he said he would mess you up he wasn’t kidding. I personally loved the old “Harlem Sewer Rat” that he had. Anyone who is from New York can attest to having seen rats that big either running around on the subway tracks or maybe in your basement. Of course the ultimate irony was Bad News Brown was from Calgary, but he still got away with being the baddest man in town in these parts.
As for The Golden Boy, all I know of him is he was the manager of Bruno Samartino and Bob Backlund. I remember 1994 when the Mr. Bob Backlund angle and gimmick began, Backlund finally got to confront Arnold about throwing in the towel and seeing Bob snap and lock the Chicken wing on a then 70 year old Skaaland in retrospect was amazing stuff. It also led to Bob “don’t call me Thurman Sparky Plugg” Holly coming out for the save and giving a scolding to Bob Backlund.
“Bob what do you think you’re doing…he’s an old man”.
Yeah its cause of that I laugh at the thought of Bob Holly being Hardcore. Then again it does take a real man to wear racing stripes. But because of Skaaland taking that chicken wing it led to Backlund having his great run ultimately leading to him winning the WWF World title for a second time. Unfortunately for him he lost it three nights later to Diesel (I was there in the second row), but still that one incident with Backlund snapping got the ball rolling.
But Skaaland the wrestling probably wasn’t so good. My good friend and LOP’s favorite columnist in exile Ed Brock’s (Dumass to the rest of you) favorite person in the world and the man who keeps New Jack out of jail, Mr. Bob Barnett had this to say about Skaaland.
”I saw him as a jobber in the WWWF when he was known as Arnold Skoaland. He may have been the most boring worker EVER.”
If you’re in the mood for vintage and I mean vintage wrestling videos, check out Bob’s site at http://www.bobbarnett.com
Moving along, the big news this as I write this (well it’s not so much big but rather more of the same old, same old) is that the WWE in their infinite wisdom has decided that the brand split is pretty much over and wrestlers from all the brands will appear on all the ppv’s from now on.
Here’s the press release from the WWE Corporate site since I’m to lazy to copy and paste it here
It seems simple enough. Throw everyone onto every pay per view because in the end that’s what we the fans want to see…right?
Well that’s not what we want to see. I don’t want to see the combined undercard’s of Smackdown and ECW standing around backstage with nothing better to do. I don’t want to see Edge make a trip over to ECW to challenge Bobby Lashley for the World Title just because Vince doesn’t think anyone else in ECW can carry a PPV. You see what I’m getting at. The brand split showed you how the fan base was split down the middle. Vince and company believe by lumping everyone together it will boost sagging buyrates because if someone from Smackdown is on the RAW PPV then the Smackdown fans would be inclined to order.
I mean in theory it’s a pretty reasonable idea. The only problem for the WWE is they have ZERO understanding of their audience. Well I shouldn’t say understanding. They understand them completely. They hate the fact that wrestling fans are a bunch of hicks and rubes and that the WWE’s brand of sports entertainment soap opera will never be taken seriously (and by seriously I mean in the mainstream media again). If you don’t believe me, check out the RAW Fan Nation commercials on USA. They came up with this ad campaign to show that wrestling fans are Doctors, Actors, Models, ect. We’re not a bunch of goobers…some of us actually are successful (well except that guy in the red hat, there’s only one sign guy in wrestling and that’s Sign Guy Dudley).
It’s really funny if you think about it. I mean the WWE tries and tries and tries to shape and mold their programs around the “demographics” and in the end they honestly do not care about the demographics because they hate the people who are in said demographics. It’s always been said that if Kevin Dunn could do it he would do a wrestling show with no wrestling what so ever. I’m not sure how that would work, but it couldn’t be any worse then ECW on Sci Fi.
But with Wrestlemania coming up, I don’t know what it is but there’s a general feeling of meh to the whole thing right now. It’s strange because aside from the build up to Batistama and The Undertaker, the build for Trump/McMahon and Cena/HBK has been some of the best stuff the WWE has done in ages. But for some reason there really is a feeling of wow this is gonna suck.
So far this is the card as of right now as I type this.
World Heavyweight Champion Batista vs. Undertaker
WWE Champion John Cena vs. Shawn Michaels
Battle of the Billionaires: LASHLEY (Trump) vs. Umaga (McMahon)
Money in the Bank Ladder Match: King Booker, Mr. Kennedy, Fit Finlay, Edge, Orton, C.M. Punk, Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy
ECW Originals(RVD, Sabu, Dreamer, Sandman) vs. New Breed (Burke, Marquis ‘Monty Brown” Cor Von, Thorne, Matt Striker)
Women's Champion Melina vs. Ashley
Kane vs. The Great Khali
United States Champion Chris Benoit vs. MVP
On paper it looks like a decent card. But for some reason there is this feeling of meh towards it here on the Internet. The WWE’s ultimate goal was for this Wrestlemania was mega mainstream appeal. Get all the non-wrestling fans to order the show. In theory it should work since there are plenty of people who would love to see Donald Trump get his comeuppance. But by all accounts it hasn’t worked because the only coverage Donald Trump gets is when he goes off on Rosie O’ Donnell. If you think about it Trump vs. Rosie should be the match but they all ready did that and it bombed miserably. Now if they really wanted to get some main stream attention, let’s say Trump loses.
Trump loses and he gets strapped into the chair and just before they are ready to cut Vince says he has a surprise and Rosie O’Donnell makes her way down to the ring. She doesn’t say a word and just proceeds to cut The Donald’s hair. Vince all ready is donating millions to charity so what’s a few million for just to get Rosie to show up. If you’ve seen the battle sound bytes on the news and the gossip shows, Trump and Rosie have been building to a show down. Rosie showing up and shaving his head would give the WWE the mainstream press they want but even in my current loopy state from a cold I doubt it would happen.
The problem is the WWE is hinging their hopes on this mainstream press. Well unless Donald Trump loses this match I don’t see how they will get any. I think the main reason why there is this feeling of meh towards the show is because we know Trump will not lose. Also you have to factor in who will be wrestling (and I use that term loosely) in the match. It’s Bobby Lashley vs. Umaga. Bobby Lashley despite his Hulk Hogan push at the moment is as bland as it gets. Oh sure he has an imposing look, but the guy is to clean cut for his own good. It’s clear the WWE wants him to be Brock Lesnar and Goldberg just by looking at his ring entrance alone. Umaga plays his part perfectly. We’re not expecting him to go out there and wrestle a 40 minute mat clinic. He beats the f*** out of people…that’s why his character works. But despite all the stuff they have done to get Lashley over, I honestly don’t believe it is working. Maybe in a few years Lashley could be put into a spot of dominance, but right now it’s another rush job from the WWE as they hope to strike lightning. It’s a shame because Lashley is a very good wrestler. There is no doubt about that. But if my fears about Wrestlemania 23 are true you better believe he along with Umaga will be singled out as the reasons why the show tanked buyrate wise.
The rest of the card looks pretty good but the big question mark on it is the match with Batista and The Undertaker. Batista has been accused of being lazy lately and lets face it the dude is one muscle tear away from his career being over. A lot of fans figure there is no way The Undertaker is losing to him. Batista just doesn’t have that edge that he had when he was in Evolution and feuding with Triple H. I can’t see them ending The Undertaker’s win streak with a guy who could be on borrowed time career wise. The Undertaker has a certain amount of creative control so he could easily put Big Dave over. But if he feels that Batista is not worthy of that rub then it’s quite obvious he will be winning the title. That leads to a small problem. The problem being that The Undertaker doesn’t work full time anymore. I would suspect that if The Undertaker did win he would lose the belt back to Batista in their first rematch when ever that might be. It’s really weird cause the people obviously like Batista but for what ever reason he refuses to turn it up a notch.
Batista could very well end up this generation’s version of Sid Vicious. Sid was very much over like Batista and much like Batista he was considered to be a weak wrestler at best. Also he was very injury prone much like Batista but despite all of this, he carved out a very successful run at the top of WCW and the WWF in the 90’s. In the end it’s not really about who is the best wrestler. I mean John Cena has the skills of someone from a backyard fed at best and as much as it pains me to say this, he is able to pull off some exciting matches with his less is more approach to wrestling.
A couple of weeks ago on Smackdown, Batista had his best match in ages against Kane. If that match is any indication maybe Big Dave will prove all his detractors wrong. One thing is for sure. It’s going to be another case of like Wrestlemania 19 where a novelty match over shadows the legitimate main event. Perhaps the fact that they had to go the route of a novelty match as the draw shows what the WWE really thinks of John Cena and Batista as their main draws. In the end it probably won’t matter because at Wrestlemania 19, the respective world championship matches managed to steal the show despite McMahon billing himself over everyone else just like he’s doing this year.
Aside from those matches, the Money in the bank match has disaster written all over it. No good can come of an eight man ladder match. Melina’s job allegedly is on the line if she can’t make Ashley look good. The WWE apparently has this crazy notion that Ashley is the new face of women’s wrestling in the WWE. Well I’m sure my friend Sarah (the webmaster of Jesus H. Lynn…The most comprehensive website on Jerry Lynn on the entire interweb) would have something to say about that considering how much she hates Ashley. I’m indifferent towards Ashley, but I think its pure idiocy to put that kind of pressure on Melina. Melina might be one of the best female heels in the WWE since dare I say Moolah. To basically say your future hinges on making Ashley look good that’s like…well I can’t think of anything because that’s about as raw of a deal as it gets.
The sadist in me is looking forward to Kane and The Great Khali simply for the fact that Kane isn’t f***ing around and he’s bringing a giant meat hook with him. That’s just brilliant on so many levels and it proves my theory that See No Evil was a documentary. I hope Kane wins and Khali is sent back on a very slow boat back to India (or that movie he’s supposed to be filming).
The ECW Originals aren’t winning but if Sabu takes a pounce like he did the other night all will be well I guess.
The real sleeper on the card is Benoit vs. MVP. MVP has been on FIRE since Kane set him on fire (go figure). He’s improved ten fold and it should be a really fun match. The promo’s MVP has been doing in the lead up have been great. I suspect MVP will win this match just because Benoit is in a holding pattern career wise right now. Then again maybe for putting over Cena and tapping to the STFU they’ll let him win one for once.
I swear I heard a loud thud in the distance when that happened. Later in the night I found out it was indeed the reaction to Benoit tapping out to Cena’s STFU. Lou Thesz must be in the locker room in the sky commenting how Cena still does the move like a pansy.
The only thing I’m truly disappointed in for this Wrestlemania is no Ric Flair. Flair has God knows how much time left in his career and he only has so many great moments in him. It would have been nice if Ric could finally get that big win at Wrestlemania. I hope they at least give him one last world title run. A final Flair for the gold would draw pretty damn well for them.
Well we shall see how Wrestlemania goes and God willing this time next week I will be here typing away and registering my displeasure at how something went on the show…of course that is if I order it. $49.95…for that kind of money Trump better lose and get his head shaved.
On that note I am done for this week and like I said hopefully I’ll be back next week. But my mind is a tricky thing as sometimes it literally takes me a couple weeks just to do these columns. But until that next time if there is a next time take care and remember someone has to give you this information and it damn well has got to be me.
You can click here to send me any and all feedback at phantomlordnyc@yahoo.com or leave me some feedback in my Live Journal
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