Swerve Goes Hollywood - Huge Wrestlemania Preview!
Posted by Mitchell Gadd
on 03/31/2005
*Lillian Garcia (or as we know her, Linda Robin) enters in to the SwerveDome to sing ‘America the Beautiful’ and kick off this momentous occasion. She grabs a microphone and begins to hit the first note when--*
Mitch – Hang on a second, Lillian. No disrespect, but none of us is American. Here at Swerve we like to think of ourselves as a multinational family, with a multinational audience.
Lillian – Well, I could sing all your anthems then?
Mitch – Yes… yes, you COULD do that.
Lillian – Well, what else could I do?
Mitch – How about we have our Swerve monkeys escort you out of the SwerveDome and back to the bar?
Lillian – Wellllll—
Mitch – Monkeys!
*Out come the Swerve monkeys, dragging Lillian off kicking and screaming*
Mitch – Don’t expect me to sing guys.
Guys?
Hello?
*Suddenly Scage and Steve “Lance” Ward enter the Swerve Dome.*
Mitch – We’re gonna need a bigger boat!
~~~* Screen is dark, a suitably deep voice rumbles *
“To begin with, there were two; some may say the unstoppable force and the immovable object. Others call them Jared and Mitch……”
* a montage appears *
“Mitch makes Goldberg tap!!! Unbelievable Mitch has beaten Goldberg!”
“We may even pay you the whole Mars Bar”
“It’s time”
“It’s time”
“It’s time”
“For Elan- Man… Sorry Hang Man”
“Weeeeeeelcome to Swerve”
“Swerve Arena”
“Swerve Dome”
* Screen goes dark again *
“….Then something changed that made things… different……..”
“Who do you pick Scage?”
“I pick…. * Nash*”
“Scage picks… Nash? Scage picks Nash again?”
“I don’t watch Smackdown”
“….The forces collided, they did battle at the important times of the year, and things could never be the same again. Sometimes the consequences were colossal…..”
“battling the time-zones”
“Jared’s down! Jared’s down! Where’d he go?”
“Scage is MIA”
“It’s just us tonight folks”
“…..At other times… rage-filled by-standers…..”
*image of Steve trashing the Dome in his angry dwarf rage *
“Curse those pop-ups”
“….But tonight, when the dust settles and the monkeys go home. Rivalries will have been decided… friendships broken, nations divided… and not a can of tuna in sight…. Now Tremble CO brings you SWERVE WRESTLEMANIA SPECIAL live from the Swerve Dome”.
* Fireworks and Pyros *
~~~Mitch - Weeelllllcommme everyone to SwerveDome, welcome everyone to Swerve’s annual WrestleMania Preview column. I’m joined by the ever-green Scage and the incomparable Steve Ward! Welcome guys.
Jared - Well every year WrestleMania becomes more and more important as almost every other PPV is watered down, and there's a lot more to water these days. This year they have really done a lot of noodle scratching to throw together a decent card, in my opinion.
Steve - If by that you mean "this card was doomed to suck months in advance, and WWE had to scramble at the last minute to get a few good matches on there so it wasn't a one-match show (Angle/HBK)", then I'm inclined to agree.
Jared - Yet unlike previous years, they have managed to get a few decent matches on there. And for once I'm looking forward to seeing it.
Scage - Let's hope the cheque clears soon Jared. But seriously I think a few matches have potential and it will be the best pay-per-view of the year, but it looks like a weak WrestleMania, certainly compared with ones in recent years.
Jared - Well debates about how this show will go down are matters that only time will tell. So let's get into some matches. We should start with what is likely to be the opener, though it deserves much more, Eddie Guerrero vs. Rey Mysterio.
Mitch - Yeah, unfortunately, I think this will open the card.
Scage - I don't think it’s a bad thing, I think it's the sort of match that gets the crowd into an event. It may possibly suffer because of the time it will be given because it opens the event, but what else would you rather have open? I'd rather sit down and be guaranteed a good match.
Jared - I'd rather Eddie and Rey were given more credit than curtain pullers. Eddie was the champ this time last year. But I understand their decision, it's just a shame.
Steve - It truly is disheartening to see two great athletes like this put into a match with such huge potential (largely because WWE couldn't find anything for them to do, apparently). For Eddie Guerrero, he's gone from WWE Champion to being in one of the most poorly built to and overlooked matches on Mania the very next year. As it will likely be the opener, first matches do not get 20+ minutes. Instead of a classic, we'll get a "fun little opener". These two deserve better. I guess we can always hope that they get a better spot, but that seems unlikely.
Scage - After all, Pipers Pit will need to get it's time from somewhere...
Mitch - And the Hall of Famers parade.
Jared - The card is a few matches thin, mind you. Maybe they will throw them a bone, in the form of a decent timeframe for their match.
Mitch - Yeah, I'm intrigued to know how long the show will last. I'm guessing at just under 4 hours (3 hours 40 ish mins).
Scage – Yes all of us would want to see more of this match, but at the same time it has potential to be a fast paced opener with decent action. I think it works well as the opener, get the crowd up for it and a successful opening to a Pay-Per-View is an important part of it. Knowing Eddie and Rey I am sure they already have some ideas and well give us a great match be it 2 minutes or 20.
Steve - Well, timeframe speculation aside, this match is one of four matches on the card that I actually give a damn about, so that counts for something. No matter how much time they are given, it should be an exciting and extremely well worked match. I look forward to seeing what these two greats put together for us.
Mitch - I'm sure it'll end up being like Hardy-Rey at WrestleMania XIX - short, but exhilarating, leaving the fans without their breath, and wishing they'd have seen more.
Jared - Well, the feud lacked a bit because, for reasons beyond my comprehension, WWE writers put it on the backburner whilst seemingly intending to have them square off the whole time. How's the match going to go down? Will Eddie do a full heel turn with his half of the tag titles in tact?
Steve - I honestly have no idea how the finish of this one will work out, mainly due to the complete lack of build-up. It's hard to determine where they are going with it because I'm fairly certain THEY have no idea where they're going with it.
Mitch - Exactly. I was thinking maybe Chavo Guerrero would interfere, but maybe he'll just rest up at home. If they were going to turn Eddie heel, I would imagine that he would gain some help form Chavo in doing so. However, I think they'll just have the two go in and go out as faces and friends in a competitive, yet respectful match, like they had on Smackdown! a couple of months ago. It just seems that a scene crying out for a nice standing ovation, a big hug between two friends and an absolute classic should be reserved for later in the night. Shame.
Jared - I don't think that’s the direction they're going, at least not in the long run. IF they want a feud out of this with a few PPV matches, then either Eddie is going to have to win in some unsportsmanlike manner (and make it out as no big deal) or Rey is gonna pull off a clean victory (and Eddie is going to have a personal crisis dealing with it.)
Mitch - It's interesting to note that they're both still the tag team champions, and haven't already dropped the belts along the way to WrestleMania, as many predicted they would have. That means they MUST have interaction after this event, but the question is whether that leaves it open for a longer feud, or to continue going back to being a team?
Jared - I think they would then have reason to team after a controversial WrestleMania, which would further the feud slowly. Or perhaps the manner in which they drop the belts will be the breakout start to the feud.
Mitch - The distinct lack of planning behind this has stumped us all as to where they're going with this, as Steve pointed out earlier.
Steve - So, bottom line, who is everyone, picking to come out as the winner? That's right; I'm taking over your column for the sake of some direction. Anyway, I'm going with Eddie to take this one, not based on any actual feeling one way or the other, but simply because I feel it's a safer bet. If they are going to slowly feud and break up, Eddie cheating to win could start that. If they are going to go back to being friends, Eddie needs to get over his "can't beat Rey" thing.
Mitch - Rey got the better of Eddie a couple of times on SD! quite recently before the Rumble, so I'm going to go with Eddie, as well.
Scage - I'll go for Eddie too, simply because of perspective. Last year he's fighting for the title this year he is in a match with little or no build-up. Losing here undermines his last year.
Jared - I agree, Eddie has looked generally weak against Rey and opposing that with Eddie stealing a win and expecting Rey to be cool with it is the perfect balance. Ha-ha, even when there are four of us we can't get separation.
Mitch - 4 Eddie's please, waiter. Right, next on the card we have Akebono vs. Big Show in a Sumo match. Boy, this match is easily the biggest one-on-one match in terms of weight in WrestleMania history. But before you guys get in to the details of this match. I want to take you back to a conversation I had with Scage earlier about just who Akebono is. Take a look at this.
Steve - Hahaha, ahhh, this is good!
~~~“Scage - who is Akebono? Give me some background details.
Mitch - Akeboner, you mean. He's a wrestler who debuted recently with the worst gimmick ever man. he's like 500 lbs ish and comes out with a massive boner. Big Show was wearing his "chicks dig it bigger" t-shirt, one thing led to another and bingo, WM match.
Scage – No?
Mitch – I’m not making this up man, its for real. I know. crazy, huh?
Scage - Really?
Mitch - Yeah man. shocking, huh?
Scage - No this isn’t true
Mitch - Yeah it is
Scage - So is he some Ohio valley trainee or what?
Mitch - Yeah, they needed some gimmick to debut him with and give him a feud. I guess they felt that they could bill it as the biggest WM match ever in terms of weight so they went with show. Akebono is his name because the PTC censored Akeboner
Scage - if that’s true that’s exactly why I don’t watch Smackdown.
Mitch - But the sad thing is, you can't even call this a fresh, innovative angle, because they did the same thing with Shawn Stasiak as Meat 5 years ago.”
~~~Jared - I'm not touching that with a 10ft Akebono pole.
Steve - And throughout all of this, not once did it occur to Scage that he could have quite easily gone to the WrestleMania site and checked the validity of this "information". I don't know whether this says more about Scage's intelligence, or about how much crap WWE has thrown our way in recent years considering THAT was believable...
Scage – I didn’t fully believe it… but the fact I even considered it demonstrates the type of gimmicks the WWE do throw us. The thing I want to know is how Mitch came up with the concept of Akeboner.
Mitch - Anyway, comedic value aside, this has to be the worst match on the card, surely? Even worse than the women's match, because it's actually being built like it's a massive (no pun intended) match. I mean, after two minutes these guys are going to be sucking wind so bad the front 5 rows will die of oxygen deprivation.
Jared - WWE almost did a good enough job of distracting me about how little they can do with this contest. Not good enough though, as it eventually occurred to me that I don't like sumo. They will have to throw some of their own spice in this one.
Mitch - (good luck editing this Scage)
Jared - (edit this: *crotch chops*)
Mitch - (useless brackets to make Scage's editing harder)
Steve - I'll get into the conditioning debate later with everyone's favourite pimp, Batista. But as for this "match", sumo contests characteristically don't go that long. As I understand it, the whole idea is just to push the other guy to the edge of the circle. Somehow I doubt that this will be an exhausting marathon.
Jared - I think Big Show’s match with the truck was as exciting as this will get.
Steve - The real question is whether this will be completely worked or not. Could this possibly be WM21's version of Bart Gunn vs. Butterbean?
Mitch - *Shivers at the thought of Gunn-Butterbean*
I heard they were thinking of making it a thirty minute Ironman Sumo Match, with the most circle... err push-out thingy’s in thirty minutes as the winner.
Jared - I couldn't imagine Akebono letting himself look weak for this, but at the same time I couldn't imagine WWE throwing Big Show out there and having him look stupid. I'm inclined to think it's going to end up the latter.
Steve - The way I think about it is as follows: if it's a shoot, Akebono will slaughter Show. If it's a work, Akebono will win in a tough struggle. But if Show actually wins, I don't even want to know how much Vince paid Akebono to go along with it!
Mitch - The sad thing is, I actually don't give a sh*t. Heads Akebono, tails Show. Actually, screw that. I think Akeboner will win, but Show will prove himself a "worthy" challenger, resulting in a respectful embrace at the end, and nobody looking like they've lost any status, or weight in the process.
Jared - Then they will send Akebono to OVW to condition himself, and he will go, with a confused expression, along with it.
Mitch - And come back to team with Meat, forming the team Meat and Two Veg!
Scage - That's the thing, Akeboner needs to look good, as does Big Show. I don't think they even know the winner yet. If it’s a shoot it could actually be funny to watch.
Jared - I think with a deal like this they would have had to tell Akebono in the negotiations how it would turn out.
Scage – I think we’ve established it won’t be a shoot. Show would be beaten easily. But imagine if Show turned out to be a decent Sumo wrestler and we end up watching 49 and a half minutes of Sumo wrestling.
Steve - If it was a shoot, there would be no fear of a long match. It'd be Akebono in about two minutes at the most.
Scage - Sorry, Steve, I just got carried away with the thought of seeing a massive boner for 49 minutes.
Steve - I'm sure you did.
Mitch - Guys, we've got a big card to deal with, let's get some necks being stuck out here. I've said my pick. Let's hear yours. Maybe Butterbean will show and we'll have the long-awaited Butter-bono team form.
Hey, with a women's match on the card, and the prospect of a two minute Sumo match, maybe there's hope for Eddie and Rey getting long after all.
Scage - What was that about neck's on the line? I'll go... for Akebono
Jared - In all honesty, I can't imagine WWE being ridiculous enough to have Akebono job in a sumo match, so I'm going with Bono to win it. I think the real question here is... Will Big Show wear the sumo thong? My heart says yes, but my head says no.
Mitch - Hahaha!
Steve - There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that Show will don the thong. And I'm also going for Akebono…. Need I remind you of "Showkishi"?
Jared - Please don't, but you already have...
Steve - As long as we're travelling to the seventh circle of WrestleMania 21's Hell, let's get this women's crap out of the way early, too. I can only imagine the reactions of Victoria and Molly Holly, knowing that they are two very good wrestlers but won't be on the WrestleMania card, despite being two thirds of the entire women's division. Oh no, for you see, the ever-so-deserving #1 contender to the Women's Championship is apparently the whore that shoved a pie up her butt to win a diva contest. Yep, the Women's division is officially in the hell it was in 1999; and thus, we have Trish Stratus vs. Christy Hemme at WrestleMania XXI*
Jared – This isn't a women's title match, it's a Playboy cross promotional.
Scage - This will be the match of the night.
Steve - Feel the sincerity, kids.
Mitch - I think it'll be the best women's match on the card, yeah.
Jared - It will be one of those matches where crap people talk about how impressed they are with Christy's dedicated training, because she put together the odd spot. I'm sure we could be impressed, yet less condescending, if it were one of the aforementioned talented divas.
Scage - Christy's here because of Playboy, Trish there because she’s got the belt and Lita because she couldn't be in a triple threat with Matt Hardy and Edge. It’s all coincidence. There’s no real planning it’s just this years Playboy WWE girl versus the champion, it’s the easiest women's match to make, with the most gain. Molly and Victoria don’t have anything to plug.
Steve - The fact that Lita is injured, but still on my television screen is nothing short of cruel and unusual punishment, for the record. As for the booking being easy, I would have thought that considering they have a grand total of THREE female wrestlers, would be to have a triple threat featuring those three women.
Jared - We've seen that so many times before, they need a heated one on one rivalry to justify them on the card. Why not just have Trish in a non wrestling role and admit that they don't give a crap about making the women's title legitimate. If it was legit they wouldn't have fired talented women and hired blonde nobody’s.
Steve - Another thing, for the record - I fully support Randy Orton in his efforts to traumatise the worthless new "divas" that have nothing to do with wrestling, effectively running them out of the business. Keep up the good work, Randy.
Jared - He's an immature dickhead. No matter who he is targeting. Man, when I hear those stories... what a f***ing loser.
Scage - Says the man who coined many a Rift's daughter joke...
Mitch - Three words, Steve. Can o' Worms.
Steve - I don't care if he was acting like a four-year-old. The fact remains that it drove whatshername #4 to quit. That's all that matters to me. I salute you, Randy Orton. Now, get rid of that weird-looking blonde one on SD.
Jared - They will hire more, it's not a solution. He's just a dickhead.
Mitch - Ok guys, we're getting a little off focus here. We've given far too much time to the women's match on this card. Let's get this match done with and get some predictions in. Two questions: Does anyone think Lita will get involved and inadvertently/purposely cost Christy the match? And, secondly, does anyone care?
Steve - Nobody cares, I'm sure of that much.
Scage - What was that about Mike Nagel Vs. Noah Donish?
Steve - We already covered the sumo match.
Jared - I don't see Lita screwing Christy, it's not on the preview and I don't want to give them my credit card details. No Lita turn, no title change.
Steve - Anyway, try this on for size: I'm picking Christy to win, and may god have mercy on us all.
Mitch - I'm picking Trish to win. The end.
Scage - On a serious note, if Trish is supposed to be the best Women's Champion ever she could never live that down if... yeah who cares. Trish.
Jared - I imagine her involvement in this feud is purely to lure in the Playboy audience, her winning isn't necessary to get buy rates, the buy rates are said and done by then. But that's your pick, we'll see.
Steve - Never underestimate the stupidity of WWE's writers.
Mitch - Neeeext.
Scage - Apart from picking Nash and being misled about Akeboner, Scage likes nothing more than a Chris Jericho match. During his time writing he wrote many a Chris Jericho column about how much he was underused and how he could be used in main events and big matches more effectively than most. Imagine his joy when he discovers that Jericho is involved in a Money In The Bank Match, or ClusterF**k. This is …
Mitch - This is illustrated in exhibit B, the brown cockerel...
Jared - Why is Scage happy about that? Wouldn't he prefer Jericho in a proper feud?
Scage - …. or seems to be an excuse to chuck in several mid card Raw wrestlers into a match that is supposed to mean something whilst not doing too much work.
Mitch - Yeah, lazy booking 101. Definitely.
Scage – F**k... what are we going to do with Benoit? What about Jericho? Oh S**t Kane hasn't got a match. Edge? Christian? Oh I have an idea...
Jared - I think Kane was an afterthought to fill a spot for Matt Hardy.
Scage - Now we need a gimmick.... ladder match? but what for... world title shot... no we can't do that really with these guys. world title shot whenever so we can possibly have time to build it up or maybe we wont even build it up.
Mitch - I think Jared is right, but either way, Scage's point is still valid.
Scage - Yes it’s Hardy's spot, but Kane is in there because he wasn't in anything else. Hey Jared, you wanna be in the match?
Mitch - Nah, Jared's in that evening gown match with Rift's daughter.
Jared - I forcefully remove her clothes 364 days a year, this time it's legal.
Mitch - Insane. Someone bring some sense to this. Corporal Ward, why don't you give us your 50 Cent?
Jared - Say you a gangsta but you aint wrestled nuttin, I say you a wanksta and you need a sumo background.
Mitch - Oh boy.
Steve - For me, this is at least the most unpredictable match on the card in terms of the result. I also expect a pretty tame ladder match when compared with those of WrestleMania's past. I don't know what to expect entirely, except for Kane spending the majority of the match "on the floor knocked out". This also marks #2 of the four matches I give a damn about.
Jared - I'm not so sure they won’t all push themselves and attempt to steal the show. I'm expecting a huge spot fest with a lot of heart. And hopefully a lot of Kane knocked out, yes. But the winner is very unpredictable, since it’s an open stipulation. The winner doesn't have to fit a schedule for next month or anything along those lines.
Steve - Exactly, the long-term title shot allows both faces and heels to theoretically win the match. Heels could delay their title shot out of fear for the champion, and that's what I am guessing will happen.
Mitch - Yeah, sure. I'm hoping to see a few exciting moments. I'd like to see more than just a few spot fests, though. A lot of desire and passion to go along with the big spots would be good, because this is the biggest stage of them all, after all.
Jared - I said HEART. Geez Mitch, way to undermine me.
Mitch - Hey, I like to paraphrase. So, I'm thinking maybe we can go through each of the 6 guys, and give about one or two lines on each of their chances. We'll go Ward, Jared, Scage, me - in that order, and I'll begin by shouting out the name Benjamin!
Steve - I think it's odd to see the Intercontinental Champion in this match. I see a long title reign for Benjamin, but don't see a champion vs. champion match on the horizon, so he's not a favourite in my eyes.
Mitch - (Jared?)
Jared - Shelton won’t make an interesting match up for Batista or Triple H, in my harsh opinion. Despite being the IC champ he's the least important person in this match. No chance.
Scage - Benjamin's here to make up the numbers and the fact he holds the Intercontinental Championship makes him a massive outsider. It’s a little strange this match isn't for the IC championship bearing in mind he is in it, but this way he can come out of the match with a degree of credibility and having not lost anything.
Mitch - Shelton has a lot of spring and mobility, making him a great candidate for a few nice looking spots in this match. However, as far as his chances of winning go. I don't see him taking the victory and the title shot.
Steve - (had to pick the longest possible way to discuss this...)
Mitch - Ok guys, how about Christian.
(let's all have our sentence written so already so we can just post it right away each time)
(we can write them while the others write theirs)
Jared - Weren't you going to give thoughts too Mitch?
Mitch - I did, look above.
Jared - Ok, my mistake!
Steve - Christian - the guy that deserves it but will never get it. No different here.
Scage - (this was an awesome idea. Jared its your turn!)
Jared - (aren't i third? yes i am... im ready but its not my turn)
Christian would be an odd choice to win, he's just not a major player these days and wouldn't make a credible title contender. He needs to constantly make a name for himself in matches like this and he probably will again, not by winning though.
(ok im not, but i should be!!!!)
Scage – (Two mistakes in a row!) Christian doesn't have chance in this match up. Will work well with Edge and Jericho though so a worthy addition. I can't see the WWE letting Christian have a shot, and even if they did they would undermine it anyway.
Mitch - Christian has a lot of experience in these kind of matches, especially in those with a lot of people around him, as well. So, he's an important aspect of this match, but not a winning aspect.
Scage - (Ward.. Jared... Scage... Mitch)
Jared - (Jared... Jared... Jared... Jared, lets write it for the fans here)
Mitch - Kane?
Steve - Kane - I could have seen him winning the match, as he actually does deserve another shot at the main event (as Benoit vs. Kane proved). The only thing stopping him is that he's a heel on the same show as HHH. However, after jobbing cleanly to Tist on Raw, he won't be getting a title shot.
Jared - His plans were scrapped for an Interpromotional tag match and Matt Hardy's plans were scrapped along with his relationship with Lita. For no other reason is Kane in this match. He upsets the balance and I can't see him having a lot to offer. This isn't his match and it will be a travesty for him to win, so I hope he doesn't.
Scage - Where is Matt Hardy? Even though Kane’s filler he has a chance because he’s had a shot before, instantly that makes him less of a risk.
Steve - (Matt's still recovering from surgery)
Scage – (I know that, I meant as in Kane’s filling in)
Mitch - Kane's the oddball of this match. His participation in this has taken the excitement level down a notch or two, for me. No chance of winning after his dominance on Raw on Monday, and hopefully he's not a big part of the action.
Benoit.
Steve - Chris Benoit - A more likely choice, as I could see WWE serving him up as an early jobber to Batista because he is one of few guys that could actually make him look good. Fair chance.
Jared - Last year's champion has to have a fair shot and him winning may be the only way to soften his fall from the top. He's got a lot of ladder experience and I can easily imagine him winning, he is my pick.
Scage - Benoit has a good chance, again history stands in his favour, and he is less of a risk. Another chance for Benoit would be good and he does deserve it, but at the same time I have difficulty picturing him winning and then delaying a title shot, which for whatever reason I see them doing with this whenever wherever stuff.
Mitch - I can picture Benoit doing a diving head butt from the top of the ladder and nearly killing himself for the pop, but that's the type of guy Benoit is. He has a chance of winning the match, I'd say, and is definitely one of the guys who will go all out to make this more than just a spot fest, but a damn heartfelt battle on the biggest stage of them all.
Jericho.
Steve - Chris Jericho - Long overdue for another chance in the main event. Could also carry Dave to a half decent match and this would be an easy enough way to give him a title shot. Equally good chance as Benoit.
Jared - Jericho is the innovator of this match from a storyline perspective, and although he is a chance to win, I imagine him once again ending the match on his back, not before putting on a helluva show.
Scage - Jericho, win a match that counts? Jericho in a title match? Jericho is another who will work his nuts off to make this work, but he’s all about helping others out and the match is about him as he initiated it, therefore he won't win.
Mitch - Jericho is one of two men who I'm juggling with in terms of who I pick to win this match. I think, since it was Jericho's idea, he has a great chance of winning. He really would look like an idiot if he didn't serve up a big threat in a match he devised, in some form.
And, finally, Edge.
Steve - Edge is probably the best storyline chance to win this, regardless of his backstage actions. As I hinted at earlier, my money is on Edge earning a title shot, but then being too afraid of facing Batista to cash in his shot. He has the best chance to win and I'm picking him to do it.
Jared - Wow, I forgot about Edge * Jared discovers an Akeboner at the thought of Edge *. I love him too much not to pick him, but I don't see him fitting into the title scene. I'm going to take a risk and change my tip to Edge (I changed it 3 times just typing this). The year long clause leaves an open door to sorting the Angle out later.
Scage – But Angles not in this match? Edge, I have a strong gut feeling that this maybe his chance after being a nearly man at the end of last year. He is also a heel so that suits the fact that the shot could be held off or he could potentially be Batista’s first challenger. If however HHH wins he doesn't factor into the equation too well, so the WWE can hold it all up and worry about in 8 months time.
Mitch - Edge is the second of the two men who I'm considering picking for the win. It's either Jericho or Edge, for my money. I think Edge has a great chance of being one of the first contender's to Batista, should he win the title from Hunter. It's he or Jericho - he or Jericho. I'm going with he... I mean, Edge.
Jared - I'm changing my tip back to Benoit. WWE might not be happy with Edge and if they were to throw him aside, Benoit is the smart pick to rush in to the spot.
Mitch - (wow, that match is a column in itself)
Ha-ha, well, I'm certainly routing for Benoit.
(Editor – Note Jared’s strategical change after everyone else has picked)
Mitch - Okay, next up, one of the inter-promotional matches. Kurt Angle and Shawn Michaels began their rivalry at the Royal Rumble in January. They have since continued that on, whether it is through showing up on the other person's brand show, or talking smack in the mean time. This has all the makings of a classic, folks. Jared, give us your initial thoughts.
Jared - Well it certainly is a dream match up, yet with Michaels' back and Angle's neck, you gotta wonder how close to the dream it will be. The feud has been well executed and dragged out more than most WWE feuds these days, that's a plus.
Mitch - (the two people who read this column better be grateful. this is gonna be a monster)
As far as inter-promotional feuding goes, I'm as sceptical as they get. However, PPV time is nearly here and I'm fairly satisfied, with still one show to go, that the feud has been built up satisfactorily enough. Angle's encounters with old friends of HBK has been a treat to watch, and a nice little way of keeping the match fresh in the mind, and the build up exciting without being able to have them always at the same place at the same time. The match itself is the main thing, though, and these are two guys that I think will almost forget about injuries and give it a 'Hail Mary' on the night and produce a classic.
Scage - I think something is clear, the whole night rests on this match. This will make or break WrestleMania 21.
Steve - Quite simply, this is easily my most anticipated match. It features two of the very best, and as long as they have good chemistry together, this has HUGE potential. I also agree with Scage. If this match sucks, WrestleMania as a whole will have sucked. Bottom line: HBK will win. No doubt in my mind.
Scage - This is one of those matches you could watch all day, potentially.
Jared - * gets so excited he gets ahead of himself *I have so much doubt in my mind as to a winner. I think these two will click and put together something about as good as we're expecting. As for a winner though, I'm just going with a feeling. Michaels is the senior, he may have the respect of Angle enough to be the undebatable winner. I'll have to go with Michaels.
Mitch - I can picture the spot now: HBK tunes up the band, let's the Superkick go, bang, Angle catches his foot... Ankle Lock. Michaels writhing in agony as the fans cheer him on. Yeah, I'm picturing a classic.
I'm also picturing the HBK win. Angle has mocked HBK's legacy too much in this build up. Angle shall perish!
Scage - The usual rule applies. Angle has had the better of the build-up and that more often than not carries through into a loss at the pay-per-view, which is a shame, I think the match would leave a better memory if Kurt won. Michaels has done it all and has little to gain from a win, but the match maybe so damn good and so well constructed that the winner almost tasted defeat. I'm going for HBK too, although we unfortunately don't have the benefit of Smackdown to influence our decisions.
Mitch - (that last comment confused me Scage)
Scage - (basically, i can see Smackdown on Thursday influencing this, angle dominates HBK he loses and vice versa and we are writing this before Smackdown)
Jared - I'm not so sure Michaels won’t be around longer than Angle. I considered if Michaels being "done" was a factor, but really, they're on par for that.
Scage - Whether Michaels and Angle are around for the same time is slightly irrelevant, any time HBK has had since his comeback is a bonus, Kurt should be in his prime.
Mitch - I think a couple of years ago and Michaels would have jobbed this one, but now Angle is probably just as likely to retire as Michaels is. Michael’s will win this. Anyway, let's move on to the first of our two main title matches of the evening. Jared, do you want to introduce this next bout?
Jared - Well, I don't know why you picked me because I hate John Cena. Well I'm guessing most of us here do. But it's Cena from the stands against JBL from Wall street.
Steve - In my opinion, WrestleMania XXI has the double main event from Hell. Granted, it's not quite Viscera vs. Chris Masters, but on a realistic level, this is about as bad as it gets for me. The only good thing to come out of this match is the fact that Cena has stopped talking in rhyme and telling us about such enthralling topics as constipation and perceived homosexuality.
Mitch - JBL has been the longest reigning WWE Champion in the last 10 years. *shudders* However, Cena has had ALL the momentum in this feud. Sure, he lost his US Title to Orlando Jordan, but even that hasn't taken the sparkle off of Cena's shine. He's one of the most over guys in the locker room of either brand right now, and whether you like him or hate him, putting the belt on the guy looks like the most sensible thing to do right now.
Jared - I called that one so long ago. I said Cena would drop his belt to Jordan to push both Jordan and the world title feud. I'm a freaking genius... Sort of. Anyway, Cena pisses me off so much. I hate the cheap pops he constantly seeks, I hate how he's more interested in devising new T-shirt slogans than cutting a good promo. I hate him.
Mitch - Hahaha, what a lovely rant that was.
Scage - I think he is a weak face. He needs to develop his character to keep it fresh. That said Cena isn't too bad. A year ago I would have loved him to take the title. Now that he’s facing JBL I will still be rooting for him.
Jared - I hate Cena, JBL sucks in the ring, and I couldn't care less about the winner of this match. This will be one of the least important matches for me personally, and it’s a bloody title match!
Fact is, JBL deserves credit because his mic work going into this match is all that the feud has had going for it.
Steve - For starters, I'm sick and tired of hearing about how well Bradshaw is doing. Yeah, okay, his promos are good, but when it comes down to it, he's still ****ing Bradshaw. If there was a kind and loving god, he would have been mid-card for life. As for Cena, the merchandise is flying off the shelves, so I guess that justifies a WWE title push for a guy that is pretty much a joke in the ring, from his poor-man's-Rock schtick to his actual talent. Bottom line, I don't give a damn about this match and it damn near brings me to tears to think that in one year we've gone from Kurt Angle vs Eddie Guerrero to THIS.
Mitch - I think we'll see run-ins and over-booking galore, which is something that seems to go hand-in-hand with a JBL (and any TNA) match.
Scage - This match personifies Smackdown, which I feel sucks in general, hence the Akebono conversation from before. But...rather have Cena as the champ right?
Mitch - I'm not a Cena fan, but yeah. He's a natural WWE Champion because the fans love him and he's VERY marketable. I can’t see why they love him so much as I think he's stale. I don't like his in-ring work that much, despite his match with Kurt Angle last month being exceptional. Cena is a smart choice as Champion, that's the cold, hard truth. He'll take the win.
Jared - I don't like him enough to prefer him. He used to be good, then he just settled in to mediocrity. For that he can burn. John Cena, you had it all in the palm of your hand and now you suck. Your promos are sh*t, why don't you just go out and take the time to masturbate every ticket holder. Your merchandise sucks and you shill it like you've got nothing better to do. You being WWE champion can only hurt that belt. Get f****d John Cena, you are the most unworthy champion I could imagine.
Scage - Now for Jared’s view and not Steve’s...
Jared - I told you I hate him.
Scage - The way I see it Cena is better than JBL, it’s a lesser of two evils thing.
Mitch - Picks? Cena, for me.
Jared - I pick Cena too.
I also hate him.
Mitch – (HAHAHAHA)
Scage - Cena.
Steve - The only thing saving my sanity right now is that I expect JBL to retain. As much as I am not sold on him, no harm can be done by having him drop the title in a couple of months to someone, say, traded to SD from Raw. However, if I wake up and know that Batista and John Cena are the two top guys in WWE, I will live in fear of the apocalypse being right around the corner. My pick is JBL, but if you guys are right, may god have mercy on us all.
Mitch - (crotch chop)
(^^ annoying bit to edit out)
(^^ another annoying bit to edit out)
Jared - (in strongbads second newest email "best thing" he gets an email with brackets and he WHISPERS the brackets! strongbad reads swerve)
Mitch - (yer i know, it's hilarious the way he whispers it.... ("From Maryland")
(he says from twice "from... from Maryland")
(u do realise the creator of strongbad may very well read swerve...its a distinct possibility)
Scage - (there’s proof of endorsement.. maybe we should have a dangeresque spoof as our Hollywood trailer spoof thing)
(why is it a possibility?)
Mitch - (ha-ha Scage likes strongbad? this is new!)
Scage - (here we go once again with the email! every week i hope its from a female... its not a female)
Mitch - (he's not too old, strongbad is a wrestling mask-wearer, the guy probably has an interest in wrestling, and wld likely visit one of the top sites online since he's an internet guy...yadda yadda)
(ahaha, class, i wasn’t aware u were a strongbad fan. this opens up new conversation possibilities)
Scage - (strongbads creator, get in touch if you read swerve! That’s an open invite, contact Mitch!)
Mitch - (^^ good call)
(now introduce Orton-Undertaker since I’m about to pass out after being leant over at my desk on this comp for so long)
Scage - Legend versus Legend Killer has a nice ring to it and is the sort of match whilst not necessarily in quality, but in potential history deserves a WrestleMania spot. Undertaker has been made to appear unstoppable at WrestleMania and his record is impressive, so friends, what is the chance of Orton ruining the Takers perfect score?
Jared - Well, it all depends on the angle surrounding the match. The fact that Orton is looking at some shelf time after the match could be an indicator. They're really going to have to take both these men to hell and back and have some big twist along the way.
Scage - Orton's "shelf time" is a massive indicator.
Steve - As the three people reading all of this may have figured out by now, I'm not too high on the two title matches, so this match is officially the fourth and last match on the card that I'm looking forward to. While I can understand people revolting against the force-feeding of Orton, to me the bottom line is that when he's in the ring with a talent on the level of Benoit, Edge, Benjamin, Foley or Christian, among others, the results are usually pretty damn good. The only other fear that one could take into account is doubt as to whether or not Taker will be willing to make his young opponent look good. However, with WWE desperate to get Orton over, that's pretty much a given, isn't it?
Mitch - See, Jared and I discussed the merits of this match in some detail in the last Swerve. To me, this is one of the matches I'm most looking forward to Sunday, and if you didn't read the last Swerve to find out why, then you should. Actually, don't bother as I'll paraphrase now. Basically, either way, this match creates history. Either Orton makes 'Taker lose for the first time, or Orton is added to long list of 'Taker's victims. To me, that's EXACTLY what WrestleMania is all about. Making history. This match cannot be a match that will just be forgotten about in two weeks time like most of the card's matches may well be. This has to be remembered as it has historical purpose. THAT'S what makes this a must-see for me. It really is what 'Mania is all about.
Scage - Apart from Wrestling?
Mitch - Making history by the wrestling on show. They go hand-in-hand for me.
Scage - I am just teasing you, obviously WrestleMania's need a defining point of history and this match helps back up (hopefully) a stellar Angle HBK contest in the history stakes.
And Taker's run must come to an end one day... surely? Or will it be his lasting legacy?
Mitch - I was very disappointed to read of Orton's injury, as I was pretty undecided as to who I'd pick as a winner until then. So, you can deduce my pick from the above statement.
Jared - Either it's a selfish angle or 13 years of heat to pass off. I see Orton making use of the streak with some sort of massive heel turn for him. I'm not talking about something like RKOing Stacy, I'm talking about making an impact.
Mitch - Because of what's at steak, I think the match itself could be very exciting. I really do hold high hopes for this contest.
Scage - (stake)
Mitch – (could*)
(hahaha)
Scage - Perhaps your mouth is watering at the prospect of the match...
Mitch - (awesome)
More so because I'm starving.
In fact, I'm so starving, Scage that... I'm giving considerable thought to eating your sister...
But I've decided not to... because EVERYBODY ALREADY HAS!!!
(Hannibal Lector is a massive film character, a lot of ppl shld get it, if they don’t, no harm, no foul)
Jared - I expect it to be entertaining in some fashion.
Scage - Yeah... but what about length, will it be a long one, must be a question mark over the length Taker can go for?
Jared - At a deliberate pace Taker has always been able to hang in there.
Scage - (Scage is all about the length, just see Akebono!)
Mitch - Again, this match could be heavily over-booked, with ref-bumps and weapons being introduced. Maybe even Keibler coming down to thwart Orton. That should cover for 'Taker's immobility in terms of keeping the fans entertained.
Scage - Anyway, who do you guys see as a winner?
Jared - Orton.
Mitch - I'd like Orton to win, but as I said before, his injury seals his fate.
Steve - Personally, I've never had any doubt as to the outcome of this match. Undertaker is not losing. I don't care about Orton's injury, it's not relevant. I expect it to be a very well booked match where both guys look good, specifically with many near falls for Orton before Taker snaps on the No-Sell and beats him. Orton will hit an RKO, it will get a two count. Since I'm damn near turning into a psychic here, I'm just going to say it one more time for the overly sceptical that actually think WWE will put Orton over: It's not happening. Taker will win.
Scage - 13-0 for The Undertaker then. But Jared picks Orton!
Jared - That's right kiddies. Well the last match is our legitimate main event where we see if The Animal has really evolved to the level of playing the game. Batista, our 2005 Royal Rumble winner challengers the most dominant champion in the industry today, Triple H H H.
Mitch - Woah, HHH HHH HHH!
Jared - No. HHH H H
Scage - I have to say a year or so ago I would never have believed you if you had told me that Batista would main event WM, let alone have a credible chance of winning.
Mitch - Did you paste that from my "The Challengers" RBTR column? That's sounds like a direct glean of a Mitch statement! Actually, it can’t be as I said three months ago, not a year.
Scage – No I didn’t paste it from RBTR, because if I had it would have been I av to say that a yearor so ago i would never hav belaved you if u had tld me that Batita would mainevent MW let alone have a credibiblbe chance of winningg.
Mitch - Son of a...
Scage - (hey im disappointed at the lack of J-Man response)
Jared - I'm watching Strongbad, shut up! Now I've missed the plot... I'll have to start again. Okay, what are we talking about?
Mitch - Anyway, just as recently as October, our friend Batista was jobbing to Maven on Raw. Now look at him. He's all grows up... he's all grows up (/end Swingers reference). Actually, I think it was November. Holy hell!
Jared - Yes, Batista has risen the ranks so fast, which is what makes this an important match for him, He needs to solidify his spot with a solid outing with solid work ethic that solidly solidifies the solids of his soldieresque solid-soldierability.
Scage - From jobbing to Maven to winning the Royal Rumble in three months! This match, if he loses could kill his momentum. The WWE need to strike while the iron is hot.
Jared - Exactly what I'm thinking, but let’s get into the story and quality.
Scage - (Still watching Strongbad?)
(that’s a yes)
Steve - First off, Batista is winning. There's no chance of HHH retaining and I think we all know that. With that out of the way, I only have to discuss one thing because this match only appeals to me on one level, and that is the "will Batista collapse and die" level. We've seen it plenty of times before, and even WWE's insanely favourable booking cannot hide the fact that Batista was just about ready to have a heart attack in the Royal Rumble. Batista had about 7 minutes of actual action in that match, all of which was powerbombs, spinebusters and the occasional throwing motion. And yet, when you looked at John Cena, he was plain-faced, dry as a bone and breathing through his nose, despite being in the match for more time that the drowning-in-his-own-sweat Batista who was sucking so much air that the first four rows needed oxygen masks.
But nonetheless, Batista is now in the World title picture. The main event, where matches are characteristically around the 20 minute mark. Now for those of you that have forgotten one simple fact, allow me to remind you - Batista has had ONE long singles match, against Shawn Michaels at Armageddon and it SUCKED.
Mitch – As I happily remind my readers on a regular basis, yes.
I'm not happy with Dave "I've only ever had one singles match on PPV (and lost)" Batista main eventing WrestleMania. Make no mistake about it. But, now that he's there, he must win... otherwise his momentum is deflated all in 3 seconds (one for each count by the referee, get it?).
Jared - (i brushed my teeth actually, they hurt)
Steve - Expect lots of rest holds or, as has become the trademark for Batista matches, about three minutes at a time of Batista lying motionless while his opponent buys him time by kicking him.
The only real question is whether or not this match will be WMXXI's version of Goldberg vs. Lesnar, with HHH desperately trying to drag it up to acceptable levels. If nothing else, this will be worth watching largely for the train-wreck appeal. Batista is winning, and god help the World title for the next few months while Dave completely fails as the champ.
*Steve trudges off, trashing some tables in the process of his angry dwarf rage!*
Mitch – Thanks Steve. He’s pretty tired, you know. He stayed up all night to make the show, rather than fall asleep and risk not being able to get up early enough. Anyway, back to the match.
Scage - It’s a strange acceleration; it seems that Batista has muscled in on a storyline meant for Orton, but the story has worked well. The lack of PPV experience may not mean anything as I am sure he will have worked hard on this match to compensate.
Jared - The feud has worked well in the sense that Dave has shot up the ranks playing off Triple H's evil nature. He really has managed to establish himself as a legitimate contender through his WrestleMania main event feud. How often do you see that?
Mitch - Yeah, it's worked out better than the WWE could ever have imagined, because if big Dave didn't rise up the ranks then, with Orton's momentum falling flat, they really would have been stuck for a main event this year. Much like Cena, the fans love him. They're buying in to him big-time! Nobody is aware of the PPV stat I mentioned above, and if they are, they don't give a damn. Batista is red hot right now and I don't blame the WWE for, as Scage said, striking while the iron is hot.
Scage - It’s also interesting because, Dave has not so much shot up playing off HHH's evil nature, but also the fans dislike for HHH. I think they like someone credibly opposing him in a forcible way. Batista is someone who physically should be a match for HHH, but has sufficient motivation to do so. HHH rarely has had a match in his days on Raw and possibly the fans sense a shift in the balance of power, or hope for one.
Jared - Well the fans have been waiting with bated breath to see Batista stand up to Hunter, now they want to see him dethrone the champ. Will he get it done?
Scage - That’s the big question. In a title match HHH is always the safe bet and often you see him winning the title in situations he really shouldn't. I just hope for Dave’s career that this isn't the case here.
Mitch - I'm going to stick my neck on the line and say no, he doesn't dethrone the champ. Batista, by all intents and purposes, should win this match. It will destroy all his momentum and overness instantly if he loses, but I'm afraid, that's what I see happening. I don't see the two faces walking out as champs in a fairytale happy ending like we had last year. Either JBL wins and Batista wins, or Cena wins and Hunter wins. It's a tough decision either way, as both of the two options have strong cases for occurring. However, now that I've gone with Cena to win on the Smackdown! side, I can see Batista losing out to the evil HHH on the Raw side, making Hunter, once again, a man who breaks WrestleMania tradition in the "face must win the last match" sense.
Scage - Realistically, Batista has dominated the feud, it’s been about sending HHH a message.
Jared - Tradition will be alive and well at WrestleMania, and if any heel should hang on to the title it should be JBL to make his reign more impressive and hand the end of it over to someone more deserving. Batista needs this win and I think he's going to get it. Hunter has taken him under his wing, surely he will give him a chance to fly.
Scage - I agree with that, HHH must be prepared to job to someone he has helped to bring up, and JBL has an impressive reign at the moment. This is one of those matches that could go both ways.
Mitch - Hahahah, what a great statement. So... you're picking... Nash?
Scage - Well it is a match that can go both ways... I can see HHH winning and it being the same as always but I can see Batista winning because he has to and at the same time I can't see HHH jobbing two WrestleMania main events in a row.
Jared - He's a man divided.
Mitch - Orton's gonna level Batista in the head with the belt, costing him the match in the process, and proving his leaving of Evolution was a hoax all along! There, I've said it for you, Scage.
Scage - Nice theory... But... doesn't fit with the "shelf time"
Mitch - It's your theory Scage. I just sold it to you.
Scage - It's not my theory... my theory is (flips a coin)
Mitch - Shelf shmelf! You love it really.
Scage - Batista for the victory.
Batista has to win really. It makes sense.... Who did Jared pick? Nash?
Jared - Batista.
Scage - If I convince myself that Batista is the sensible pick it’ll make me feel more confident I was right in tipping him.
Mitch - Well, irrespective of the fact that it would help my predictions cause, I'm rooting for Hunter. Batista would make a grim World Champion, so come on The Game. *shudders*
Jared - You'll know if you were right or not pretty soon.
Scage - Well, if we’re going tactically, I should have picked HHH!
Don't play dirty Mitchell
Mitch - You've already chosen Nash anyway!
Mitch - Monkeys!
Scage - F**k Nash, I chose Batista.
Jared - Ahhhhh ha ha ha. Stupid Scage.
Mitch - Nash!
Scage - Batista!
Mitch - Nash!
Scage - Batista!
Mitch - *tosses table to the side and squares up to Scage*
Scage - Batista!
Mitch - Nash!
Scage - Batista!
Mitch - Nash!
Scage - Batista!
Mitch - JR - Oh boy. What a WrestleMania we have in store for you. Will it be Batista, will it be Nash? We'll find out, this Sunday!!!!
Jared - And on that note...
A special Wrestlemania congratulations to Xpunkgd86 for cracking the hardest hangman to date, our Mick Foley DVD hangman: THE FUNKER. Man, I must have had 10 different variations on this, but only one got what I was looking for. Well done indeed sir, Elan hands his cap to you.
Well, this has been a mammoth. It's looking decent at least. Personally, I look forward to it.
Scage - Should be worth watching at least.... I'm watching just to see Piper's pit with Stone Cold and Trish Vs Christy Hemme! They both should be off the hook! (Sarcasm)
Jared - Wow, we didn't even talk about Piper's Pit or the Hall of Fame. I tip Hogan.
Mitch - Oh yeah, I forgot. Hogan to kick Hassan's ass at some point in the night. That's my final tip! I'm exhausted. My back hurts. It is late. Who knows what the prediction brackets are? Good night!
Scagr>Scage - *readers left to wonder how writing a column hurt Mitch's back*
Jared - Two words: Bad... Posture...
Scage - What was that, you are both changing all your picks to Nash?
Mitch - Jared, show this man to the door!
Jared "Meat the Hall of Famers of 2005!" Balstrup
Sca "Deadwing" ge
Mitchell "Bad Posture!" Gadd
Copyright © 2005; TheWrestlingVoice.com & Douglas Nunnally.
All Rights Reserved.
Disclaimer & Privacy Statement
