There are many different reasons why WWE superstars are given a title run. Whether dictated by the desire of the fans, the needs of a feud or as a necessity of the wider WWE picture, it isn’t as simple as “the best performer or wrestler” at any particular point in time. This is especially applicable in the current WWE environment thanks to the recent draft lottery, the unfortunate occurrence of several high-profile injuries and the maladjusted press scrutiny regarding steroids and how it affects the company’s public image. And whilst the superstars currently charged to be the epitome of career endeavour might exhibit many identifiable character traits, you can be sure that Vince has them occupying those spots with a specific purpose in mind.
The ‘cornerstone’ champion – John Cena
I’ll keep this short, seeing as the protracted nature of Cena’s title reign has meant we’ve all had ample opportunities to comment on the reason behind it and its merits (or lack of). But it is pretty obvious right now that the WWE is a massive inverted pyramid and it balances precariously on the meaty shoulders of John Cena. Thanks to a mixture of luck and Cena’s methodically basic ring style, he has avoided the pitfalls of the injured reserve list and continues to be Vince’s go-to-guy in every sense. Whether you like Cena or not, you can be sure that on a daily basis Vince kneels in front of an elaborate shrine in his Stamford office and thanks the lord for his WWE champion. Because without him, the WWE would be in a far worse position than it is now.
The ‘freak’ champion – The Great Khali
In so many ways, Khali is the ‘freak’ champion of the WWE. Not just relating to his obvious size or the incomprehensible allowances that come with being a ‘foreigner’ but also that, if it wasn’t for Edge’s forced layoff and the lack of a cornerstone champion on Smackdown, he wouldn’t be world heavyweight champion. Not even close. That said, I can see why he’s champion at this time and, even though it doesn’t make for exciting television or give us five-star quality matches, I can’t condemn Vince for relying on an established WWF/E concept that has yielded favourable results and viewing figures in years gone by. The trick with a freak champion is to ensure that the ‘yang’ is able to fill in the gaps created by the ‘yin’ and to that extent Batista is the ideal candidate. Strong enough to utilise his power arsenal on such a big man, quick enough to be the rubber ball to his immovable object (though in truth not really quick or agile) and over with the fans sufficiently that audiences will care if and when he delivers us from this period of darkness. It also increases Kane’s usefulness to the product because, as Batista’s face/face rival for the number one contendership, they should use him to build to the eventual PPV showdown so that neither champion nor challenger have to weaken significantly before the payoff. The main loser in this situation is Matt Hardy who was building slowly to face Edge for the title at some point but now suffers from reducing the potential feud with Khali to ridiculous fantasy just to fulfil the machinations of the process. Khali is more than just a transitional champion, despite the fact that I’d lay good money on his title run not lasting longer than a month or two (admittedly money that I would have lost with the same type of bet on Yokozuna’s reign back in 1993/94). Khali has to create the belief in WWE fans that the belt will never leave his shoulder. Granted, to do this he has to be tall and shouty (two things he’s suitably talented to do) but it’s worth remembering that audiences should occasionally be given what they don’t want, even if they don’t want it. That’s how it works.
The ‘impact’ champion – Umaga
I’ve read people stating that they don’t like Umaga’s character and I would agree with them, if Umaga had a character. The only concession the writers gave to Umaga, ignoring the pretty decent Tasmanian Devil impression, was the interaction he had with Estrada and latterly the incredulous looks he gave Vince and Shane when they tried to connect with him in the build up to the Trump match at Wrestlemania. Not exactly a smorgasbord of psychological minutiae but something separate from the neck fat and the dreadlocks to distinguish him from the others. And made worse when both ended soon after the defeat that cost Vince his hair. Umaga is identified by one thing and that is violence. The bestial zeal with which he destroys his opponents is second to none on the current WWE roster and it is the sole reason why he is the Intercontinental champion. The feuds he had with Santino Marella and Jeff Hardy were both based around the idea of the babyface finding the one key victory in the face of a torrent of unstoppable rage. And all this in the period after being handed his first two losses to Cena and then losing to Lashley. So much for the theory that ‘losing’ is an indication that a push has ended. Umaga will need to adapt if management want to make something of his talent, in much the same way that Batista transformed from a full-time animal into a Jekyll and Hyde character. Though I feel Umaga wearing a tailored suit and pressing the flesh at live events is probably taking it a step too far.
The ‘divisive’ champion – MVP
One of the things relating to popularity that is supposed to be greatly sought after is the idea of universality. Take Stone Cold Steve Austin. The arena fans loved him (because he was popular) and the written critics loved him (because he was good at what he did). The power of an audience that cries with a single voice is an immense force. But there is another way. Rather than aiming for universal approval, why not divide the audience along the lines of ‘marking out’ and ‘being smart’? The fans that invest in the product will hate MVP for his rookie arrogance and those that appreciate talented workers on the roster will be thankful that he’s made a positive impact on the shows without needing to be a clown or a demon from the fifth dimension. You think I’m stretching the level to which fans believe wrestling is real? Go read those emails and forum posts calling for Randy Orton to be fired for “his heartless attack on RVD” and tell me we’re not dealing with a cross-section of WWE fans that sincerely hate MVP. It is vital to the prosperity of the WWE, and especially the heels within the company, that a vast amount of fans are so dumb that they can’t tell the difference between an injury angle and a real incident. Or a fake death and a genuine tragedy. If there wasn’t, there really wouldn’t be a need for a ‘bad guy’ like MVP to be an overpaid blowhard intent on selling himself to a resistant crowd. Luckily, he is.
The ‘catch-up’ champion – Candice Michelle
In one of the most blatantly apparent statements I’ve made since I claimed that Eddie Guerrero single-handedly killed off the toothbrush industry, Candice Michelle isn’t as good a wrestler as the majority of the other divas. And nor does she need to be. Gripe all you want about Mickie James, Victoria or Melina being more deserving of the title but there is no female on the WWE roster that is more enthusiastic or more willing to throw themselves into whatever is required by management than Candice. A fact not wasted on Vince’s ageing libido. I heard JR refer recently to Candice as the first diva search contestant to become women’s champion (although she was eliminated during the audition process and didn’t make the televised portion) but this is hardly shocking news. Vince’s desire to present ‘Playboy’ quality divas who wrestle (to some extent) has been evident since he let his best plastic surgeons loose on Alundra Blayze’s mannish physique in 1994. Candice is a reminder that the WWE rewards hard work with increased responsibility and a casual prod up the roster in the hope that the carrot induces a continuation of improvement. Vince knows that she carries neither the experience nor the aptitude to be the standout female star at this time but with the help of those a step above her level making her look good she might blossom into the spot she currently fills. It worked with Trish Stratus.
The ‘mirror’ champions – Lance Cade & Trevor Murdoch
Why ‘mirror’? Because, just like a mirror, if there’s nobody standing in front of it ... there’s nothing to see. As it is, Cade and Murdoch worked SOLELY because of the existence of Matt and Jeff Hardy positioned in the other corner of the ring. And that’s a shame considering how well their debut vignettes came across. The duplicitous cowboy and the surly trucker seemed to have some mileage to it as long as the characters developed over time but the veneer never attained any depth and the tag team was consigned to Sunday Night Heat with all the other abandoned ideas and stagnant concepts. But with the reformation of Matt and Jeff as a unit and the decision to build Cade and Murdoch as a team trying to turn over a new leaf it drew interest and received some critical praise. And that momentum is still there, untapped as yet. It’s difficult to believe but Lance and Trevor are in the position of being elevators right now and when creative decide to push either Londrick or Cryme Time into the vacant spot there’ll be a prefabricated pop waiting for them when they get there.
(Out of interest, does the idea of combining the respective first and second syllables of the surnames of tag team partners, i.e. ‘Londrick’, apply to all teams and to any number of members? If so, I’d like to suggest the fictional inter-promotional tag team of The Great Muta (NJPW), Les Thatcher (NWA), Funaki (WWE) and Matt Striker (WWE), which would be called “Muthaf***er”. It’s got a ring to it.)
The ‘throwback’ champions – Deuce & Domino
Not a reference to ‘That 50’s gimmick’ but to the WWE era during the late eighties and early nineties that relied heavily on amplified characters and circus-style antics. But more than a hark back to a time when a Blackberry was something you ate or when the only Hilton in the news was the one that let numerous men come inside for the night (although that still applies today), it is a sign that Vince is trying to recapture the glory days of the WWF. The problem is that if you’re going to run over-the-top gimmicks then you need to put them in suitably over-the-top storylines, otherwise all the effort and imagination that went into creating them gets buried out of sight. Conversely, someone like Bobby Lashley, who is a talented performer but bland as cork, shouldn’t be expected to portray ironic charisma with a live microphone when he sounds like Beaker from the Muppet Show. Deuce and Domino are good, solid wrestlers and they’ll need to be because right now they are Tribbles going against the Borg and, until Vince realises that several generations have come and gone, they’ll just be keeping the gold warm until a tag team with momentum takes it off them.
The ‘sugar’ champion – Hornswoggle
Again, I’ll keep this short (five words in and already a midget joke, awesome!). Simply put, having a ‘Leprechaun’ as Cruiserweight champion is the spoonful of sugar that helps the medicine go down. In fairness, it’s more the bad taste left from the medicine taken by Chris Benoit that needs to be sweetened but the effect is much the same.
As I’ve said before, undoing something is as much a valid reason to do something as doing it. Some of the champions I’ve listed here are obviously not the people that will elevate their championship to new heights and that’s okay. Because the people that beat them might be. If everyone that was handed a title reign went on to achieve that championship sparkle then the process would lose its unpredictability, its interest. Plus, the Quebecers might still be tag champions and I tired of that shit within a week. A pro-wrestling belt isn’t like a Superbowl ring or an Olympic medal; it doesn’t need to prove that someone was the best at that time to any degree. It’s as much a gimmick as a fake name or supernatural powers and all it really proves is that audiences are fickle, wrestling audiences doubly so. All we need is a change of scenery every now and then or it gets boring. Very, very boring.
Lee
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