In-keeping with the idea that doing anything in a ‘normal’ way would somehow associate myself with the rest of society (a horrible thought for all concerned), I feel inclined to make my Wrestlemania predictions differently to most others. With that in mind, my PPV premonitions will be aimed at deciding which wrestler benefits the most from each encounter, regardless of the storyline application of a win or a loss. Matches are as listed on wwe.com as of 21st March.
World Heavyweight Championship match: Batista vs Undertaker
The mere fact that Batista is in a World title match at Wrestlemania demonstrates that he is benefiting from booking beyond what he is physically capable at this time. The WWE is stretching his popularity to breaking point by persisting with this idea that he is doing a sufficient job as champion to justify the final match on the night and that he has regained enough form to pull off a contest of this magnitude. But this is the WWE. And he is over like school in July right now so he gets the spot and the match is tailored to suit his limitations. Even as recently as last year, it would have been scary to conclude that Undertaker would be the strongest worker in a PPV finale, let alone the big one. But he’s in great shape, putting buckets of fire into his performances of late and is on a par with Batista in terms of support. The only problem is that, in ignoring the win/loss issue, I can’t take into account the ‘streak vs title’ aspect and that is key to determining who will benefit the most from the match. So, instead of coughing loudly and hoping no one notices if I skip onto the next match, I’ll go with Undertaker as the main beneficiary. Batista would be the one that benefits most from a win, because he desperately needs his title reign to be re-ignited with a seminal victory, but the Undertaker will get a lot of praise for his involvement in this match, whether he regains the title or hands the legacy of his streak over to his opponent.
WWE Championship match: John Cena vs HBK Shawn Michaels
At this current point in time, John Cena is untouchable (a huge disappointment to his legion of potential female penetratees I’m sure). Whether as champion, challenger or in a high profile grudge match, Cena will be in the main event scene until he or the WWE are no longer interested in turning a profit. But despite the fact that a win against HBK at Wrestlemania would be a valuable addition to his growing legacy, it would be perceived as ‘just another’ victory. Especially, if general consensus is to be believed, as it would be against a surrogate opponent on injury replacement duty. Considering that he was inactive between 1998 and 2002 and most recently settled into a ‘lap of honour’ routine during the DX reunion last year, HBK is certainly fortunate to be occupying his present spot and it does appear unlikely that Vince is keen on pushing forward with another Michaels’ title reign. All of which suggests that HBK is the one benefiting from the Wrestlemania 23 Raw title match. But in truth, it’s the other way round. Vince had enough time after HHH’s accident to build a feud against Cena with an opponent that could conceivably have been the new face of WWE but he chose to sacrifice the future for match quality and pre-existing appeal. This year’s main event is purely to legitimise Cena’s standing in wrestling history, even if HBK wins, and to be honest I can’t really blame Vince for doing it.
Battle of the billionaires ‘hair vs hair’ match: Umaga vs Bobby Lashley
Easy one this, so I’ll keep it short. Neither of the two combatants really benefit because the victorious effort will be overshadowed by head-shaving shenanigans (and yes, shenanigans still totally rule) and Donald Trump doesn’t benefit the most because he needs pro-wrestling like Michael Jackson needed child molestation (it gets you some media attention but not really the kind you’d want). The main beneficiary of this match is Vince. And that’s also why he’s losing the match and his grey weave tonsure. Because after Wrestlemania, Trump would have to sell the baldness in the mainstream arena, who frankly couldn’t give a crap about a wrestling match. Vince is the only one that can use his shiny new head weekly on WWE television and pass the enjoyment of the result onto a subsequent storyline.
‘Money in the bank’ Ladder match (Orton, Kennedy, Finlay, Matt, Jeff, Booker, Punk, Edge)
The first thing you can do is eliminate those wrestlers that should really have expected a one-on-one encounter, either through their recent activities (Edge, Orton, Jeff) or their previous achievements (Booker). But with the remaining four, it is still difficult to discern a beneficiary without applying it to whichever is declared the winner, even if the victory only guarantees a shot that could come to nothing with little fanfare. It would be easy to conclude that CM Punk is the one gaining the most from his inclusion seeing as he is the only competitor not drawn from the Raw/Smackdown rosters and he has been on the full-time WWE rotation for the shortest period. But in the end, I’ve gone for Mr Kennedy. With the exception of Edge and Orton, Kennedy is the only wrestler of the other six that has used the match to get some airtime on their respective show outside of the qualification process. Jeff has been busy losing his IC title and getting squashed by any monster Vince feels determined to push, Finlay is having midget issues, Booker is using his feud with GM Teddy Long to fuel his descent into majestic madness, Punk is stuck between the ECW Originals/Breed dispute and Matt Hardy is occupied having his ass inexplicably tongued by JBL. Mr Kennedy is the only one that is all dressed up with nowhere else to go and therefore should benefit the most.
ECW Originals vs New Breed (Sabu, RVD, Sandman, Dreamer vs Von, Striker, Thorn, Burke)
Bit of a ‘take your pick’ situation in this match. As two groups of wrestlers, the Originals benefit from getting a shot when their chances to go to a Wrestlemania could have been behind them and the New Breed get a chance to see what could be in their futures if they put themselves second and the company first. But, more in hope than analysis, I want Tommy Dreamer to take something from this contest. Originally seen as something of an over-achiever in the old ECW, Dreamer was the prime company guy in staving off ECW’s eventual collapse and made the transition from small-time star to a ‘cog in a larger machine’ more successfully than any of the others. Leaving the Disney-shite aside for a second, if Von, Thorn or Burke get a step up from this match then I feel it wouldn’t be a wasted investment.
Kane vs Great Khali
No one benefits from this. Not Kane, not Khali, not the WWE and damn sure not the fans. If anyone, the only person that benefits from this match is my Dad. Because he hates wrestling. And it’ll be yet further proof to him that wrestling is obviously fake, performed by lumbering goons and aimed predominantly at children and retards.
United States Championship match: Chris Benoit vs MVP
I guess I could do another one of those conclusions where it looks like I’m going one way and then throw in a twist at the end and go the other. But there’s no reason to with this match ... MVP benefits the most from every angle and I’m glad he does. The ‘spoilt superstar’ gimmick hasn’t turned out to be the obstruction it initially looked like being and to date he’s been a comfortable talker, a competent worker and a good prospect for the future. A US title match seems an appropriate vehicle for a talented rookie, especially against the best wrestler in the WWE and an athlete that can make guys look like a million bucks, even in the confines of a 10-12 minute mid-card championship contest. In fairness, Benoit doesn’t pointedly benefit from this match seeing as he’s main-evented Wrestlemania’s in the past and a high profile match could be expected from a man performing at his current exceptional level. But the usual issue of un-charismatic speech, combined with his recent return from injury and recuperation, preclude a guaranteed spot at the top of the card except for those times when Vince decides he wants a genuine technician to represent his company. Possible, but not likely. But I hope for better things for Benoit over the coming year so there shouldn’t really be a winner and a loser from this match. Just enjoy it.
WWE Women’s Championship match: Melina vs Ashley
Not sure about this one. Melina doesn’t really benefit because, although she has the title and a title match, she’s going to have to carry Ashley to a reasonable performance so early in her WWE tenure and will be the main culprit if it descends into embarrassment (though Vince should really get the blame for that if it does). And Ashley doesn’t benefit because, despite getting a spot of which she is completely undeserving at this time, it is not the kick-start to her wrestling career that it would be if she were ready and at best it will be a notable sojourn from bikini contests and valet obligations. So I will conclude that there are no beneficiaries (even if you are intending on dropping your pants and getting a firm grip on reality should a wardrobe malfunction occur during the match). But I will say that if you feel for those people who lose out when craft suffers at the hands of the cult of celebrity, then your attention should be directed towards Mickie James and Victoria. I know that’s a popular sentiment, but there’s a reason for that. Even if Vince can’t see it.
I’ve noticed quite a few people taking a rather dim view of this year’s Wrestlemania card and you’re well within your rights so to do. But Wrestlemania is the ultimate production of the current WWE era and it is pointless to expect the greatest PPV in wrestling history to occur during a period when the roster is light and the company is in the process of rebuilding after losing many major players since the turn of the century. There are several matches on the show that appear to have been sacrificed for either mainstream consideration or Vince’s obsession with aesthetics over athleticism but, for the most part, it appears to be a fair representation of the WWE as it stands right now. And it should be judged after the fact, by those who watched it.
Lee
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