One of the most enjoyable things about writing a column on pro-wrestling (apart from the fame and the money) is finishing the last paragraph, typing my name two lines down from the final paragraph and then going through the process of posting it at the various sites that are cheap enough to carry my work. It’s not an immensely exciting thing to do on a regular basis but that brief moment does feel like stage one has been completed and the good bit can begin ... the part where people read my stuff and then comment on it. Unfortunately that won’t be happening here today because once I’ve finished writing my column this time ... I’m going to DELETE it. Now, I know what you’re thinking. If numbnuts here has deleted the column before posting then what the hell are you reading now? Good question (no fooling you today). These here words what you is looking at with your eyes and minds is a diary that I will keep while constructing the column and should (hopefully) be more of an externalisation of my inner monologue as opposed to the usual overly crafted verbiage (though as you can already see, the chances are against it). A small point of concern at the moment is that, should this column not reach completion, I will have wasted twice the normal duration writing two pieces simultaneously that will never see the light of day. But I’m willing to take the risk if you are. Introduction over ... see you tomorrow.
Time check: 14th Feb, 03.00am.
Contrary to what some writers/columnists/losers say I always enjoy staring at a blank screen or piece of paper waiting for an idea to form. Though not quite the calm before the storm, it is the period of the writing process with the greatest number of possibilities ahead and the best opportunity to discover if there’s anything between your ears other than bone and wax. That said, if this period extends to over half an hour then it quickly becomes an opportunity to discover if your tax returns are up to date or if your pornography needs rearranging alphabetically (remember kids, ‘ass’ should be to the right of ‘asphyxiation’). Okay, try this. Whilst watching Raw about a month ago I noticed how well Kenny and Ric Flair worked together despite having disparate styles and the obvious age difference. This led me to thinking that if neither youth nor experience is a tangible hindrance to the minutiae of pro-wrestling then the issue of age must exist in perception only. And as Vince always says, “Perception is reality”. In our ‘ageless’ society where people are encouraged to work well into later life and pop culture icons seem to be starting their careers barely out of school, are WWE audiences in danger of applying overly traditional values of age and potentially stymieing the way talent is used? Yep, I’ll go with that. If nothing else it’ll make me seem smarter than when I used to write columns about Hogan being a dick or Sable’s freakily skinny arms (what I refer to now as the ‘salad days’).
Time check: 14th Feb, 07.00pm.
I was going to open the column with a paragraph about how a wrestler is perceived before they make it onto the main roster but I’ve decided not to. Aside from the groundswell of concern over Brock Lesnar’s protracted developmental time between 2000 and 2002 (which later turned out to be unfounded) the majority of WWE prospects tend to be well protected from over-expectancy by fans. Even the much maligned Tough enough winners were given some exposure to render their names and faces recognisable but not so much that people thought less of them when they disappeared from our screens quite quickly. I’ve started with rookies instead. Nothing too deep. Energy over experience ... expected to perform lots of high-flying moves ... blah blah blah. It’s worth noting that this is one of the areas where some WWE fans contradict themselves. I’m all in favour of wrestlers leaping around and from the ring on a regular basis but the WWE has a well-established ring-style and just because someone is of a certain size or age a foundation of sports entertainment performance shouldn’t be bypassed. Although it would also help if Vince wasn’t so keen to promote the WWE as all things to all people whilst trying to limit the inherent dangers of risky moves to keep as many of his stars on the road and earning him money as possible. If you’ve got the biggest silver spoon in the kitchen, you can have your cake and eat it (wow, four metaphors mixed into one ... that’s got to be some sort of record!). I’d make so much more sense if I stopped writing just to amuse myself. Damn. Just remembered Jackie Gayda and that god awful Raw match she had in 2002. Kinda pisses a small hole in that argument I made earlier about Tough enough winners being protected. Oh well. Ignore it, no one will notice.
Time check: 15th Feb, 11.00pm.
Nothing quite like getting to the end of a paragraph, then changing your mind and having to do it again. I had written a long section about wrestlers in their prime but it suddenly occurred to me that there are two optimum periods ... the physical prime and the performance prime. Edge, for example. After he served his rookie years, he entered his physical prime. The part of his career when his body recovered from bumps quicker and he could move and think faster than at any other stage. Luckily for him the TLC series arose during that time. But now Edge is at his performance prime. His promo skills are at a zenith, his arsenal appears stronger now even though he has lost a step of pace and, as a consequence, his matches are rated more highly purely because WWE fans take him more seriously. I remember much the same allowance being applied to HBK. Michaels was physically superior when he fought British Bulldog at King of the ring 1996 but, despite being hampered by injuries, much more meaning was lavished on his Wrestlemania 14 encounter with Steve Austin. I forgot about Stone Cold, now there’s the ultimate example of my point. Hold on, I’ve got too many examples now. Maybe I should find an antithesis just to mix it up? But I can’t think of anyone who has hit their physical and performance primes at the same time. Maybe Brock Lesnar again? I would say Cena but I‘d prefer it if he had a more prominent technical side to qualify and a few more years under his belt to solidify the conclusion.
Time check: 16th Feb, 05.00pm.
Got writer’s block ... played Scrabble instead.
Time check: 17th Feb, 09.30pm.
I’m not surprised how much of a struggle it’s been to write the paragraph on veterans considering how many of them there are in the WWE right now and how differently they are perceived individually. Just saying the word conjures up images of Ric Flair and Roddy Piper maintaining a valuable presence on the shows whilst needing as much helping rotating a backdrop as possible. Yet I’m sure I heard Edge described as a veteran this week on WWE programming. Okay maybe that was just commentary suggesting he performed a “veteran manoeuvre” to add weight to his standing but there are guys on the roster who have been active for eight to ten years and are still waiting for that main event recognition from fans to elevate them into a title picture. Is it possible that someone as handily placed on the card as, say, Randy Orton might go the same way as Test or Matt Hardy and fail to break out of the mid-card just because the push and the pop never happened in unison? I just deleted a joke from the column, mainly because it didn’t fit the tone of the piece but also because it wasn’t that funny (I won’t bore you with it but it had something to do with Tatanka, a tomahawk and a bucket of soapy frogs). I feel it is worth mentioning that now more than ever there is a reliance on tapping into that ‘legendary’ status and the fact that it has intensified in the run up to the WWE’s biggest event of the year is no coincidence. Vince’s confidence in his younger talent has been rattled recently by failed drug tests and signs of apathy and I’m sure it is these facts that have shaped the Wrestlemania main events. And probably says quite a lot about how highly he regards the commitment and dedication of John Cena. The odd thing is, earlier on today I was continuing my quest to convert all my old Raw/Smackdown videos to dvd and it’s noticeable how few veterans there were back in 2000/01. I’ll stop short of claiming that this proves the shows were better back then (Haku returning with a massive fro suggests they weren’t) but it’s probably a good sign that the roster policed itself with maturity and experience. Something that Vince has to enforce in 2007.
Time check: 18th Feb, 02.00am.
There does appear to be a symbolic similarity between writing the last paragraph and a wrestler nearing the point of their career retirement (I did say it was only ‘symbolic’). Once completed, the time approaches to hand over all that hard work into the domain of the public for holistic appraisal. I’ve been watching ‘Icons of wrestling’ on TWC recently and it’s impossible to ignore the spoonfuls of sugary nostalgia that are heaped on the likes of Jimmy Valiant and Pepper Gomez and I wonder if our twenty-first century boot-hangers will be remembered with such fondness. Doubtful. Whether you take cold comfort from our cynical world or not there seems to be a respectful honesty that has replaced sentimentality as the overriding donation to our retired stars and, rather than remember them as superheroes, we think of them as hard working craftsmen. Who’d have thought that breaking the code would take away the mystique but give us back our admiration? Man, bonus points to anyone that predicted I would ‘pull a Disney’ right at the end. Well that’s me done. It’s fairly redundant to spellcheck the column but force of habit dictates that I should. I must admit it does feel a little weird getting to the end of a column only to hit the delete button and watch the screen go blank again. I guess I could make a poorly considered analogy about creative disposability but it’s getting late and there’s some nudity on the television thinly disguised as a horror film in front of which I am determined to fall asleep so I won’t bother. But I will say this. As long as wrestlers are adventurous enough to try new ideas and are willing to use their talents to help others and entertain us then I don’t care if their diaries contain ten or ten thousand entries. The only thing left to do is type my name two lines down.
Lee
(How predictable)
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