Wouldn’t it be great if you could disassemble the archetypal rookie wrestler and thematically compartmentalise those attributes? No? You’d rather go out to parties and have fun? Suit yourselves. But seeing as I’ve got a few decades to kill and alcohol turns me into a psychopath anyway, I might as well give it a go. I’ll assess each of the following five WWE rookies on a main subject and also rate them on the additional criteria applied to the others (you’ll see what I mean). I appreciate that there are more rookies than this and certainly more criteria than stated, but if I twat on for too long then people start throwing fruit at me.
Firstly, if you’re going to make it in the WWE then you need to be able to handle a gimmick. A lot of fans consider a weak gimmick to be the career kiss of death but, just like in the examples of HHH or Austin, if you can convince management through your performances in the ring and your attitude backstage that you are something unique then a character can be amended or dropped to allow the potential to come through. When Paul Burchill debuted as Regal’s talented but bland understudy it caused few ripples and, as it was tucked away mostly on Velocity or the undercard of Smackdown, it was primarily of interest only to those UK fans who knew of his work from British based promotion FWA. Things seemed to be going well until Burchill was jobbed, as part of his tag team duties, to the brain-numbing combination of Animal and Heidenreich and in singles competition to Lashley. Whilst many were wondering how long it would be before Paul found his way back to OVW, he was handed an unlikely lifeline. As an idea, Burchill’s pirate gimmick rates up there with The Goon and Kwang on Vince’s long list of creative effluence but there were some positives when the gimmick was unveiled. Far from being an actual pirate, which would have been the way back in the late 80’s early 90’s, Burchill is “celebrating his heritage” and his playful enjoyment of the part was strengthened by Regal’s complete incredulity at the idea. Also, the look is right. For too long the WWE had fallen back on aesthetic stereotypes (giving French wrestlers berets or Japanese women kimonos and white-powdered faces) and it was refreshing to see Burchill more closely resemble the Johnny Depp character in ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’ than the dated striped tee-shirt and eye-patch traditionally associated with that identity. Even at this early stage there are signs that the gimmick is being contained. Burchill’s hair extensions have gone, the make-up has been minimised and he’s pulling bead necklaces from his pockets to throw to the crowd so he doesn’t have actually wear them (though this could be because it was taking an absolute age to perform this task in the first few months). The rope swing entrance is fun, if a little unspectacular, and the remaining minutia (like the sword or the bizarre lemon-coloured trousers) don’t seem to adversely effect his personality so as long as the fans dig it and it guarantees him a spot on the show then long may it continue. Well, not too long.
BURCHILL ... Gimmick 8/10. Impact 3/10 (Barely registered outside of the Regal equation). First feud 6/10 (Obvious but enjoyable feud with Regal only marred by the way it tailed off). Push 2/10 (No push. Jobbed into the gimmick and recently jobbed to Mark Henry without a fight. Comedy comes at a price). Ability 7/10 (A better wrestler than he’s looked so far and he’s looked pretty good).
Though the application is the same, the criteria for Mickie James have to be judged in relation to the women’s division and not the other rookies. The current women’s champion has been asked to do a lot since her initial run-in, saving Trish Stratus from a post-match beating at the hands of Victoria, and it is with regards to her uxorious leanings towards Miss Stratus that she has been accorded one hell of a first feud. A wrestler’s first feud is so important because it lays the groundwork for so much of that which is to come after, especially in relation to fan perception. Far from being the ridiculous nail in the coffin it could have been, Mick Foley’s first run in the WWE as Mankind was built on the foundation of an stellar series of segments and matches with the Undertaker which added depth to his gimmick and made his menace very convincing in the eyes of the audience. From the very start, Mickie James’ claustrophobic adoration of Trish has been the focus of the women’s division and the effort that went into ensuring fans were never quite sure when Mickie was going to turn was the sort of patient, well-constructed writing that is usually reserved for the main event circle. You have to admire the enthusiasm with which she has thrown herself into the role and at times it’s hard to imagine that there’s a sane person under there somewhere, pretending to be a psycho. It looks as though Trish’s shoulder injury will be the second stall in this feud but in an environment where most of the diva wars are played out quite straightforwardly it could be the rest it needed to come back stronger later in the summer.
MICKIE JAMES ... First feud 8/10. Impact 4/10 (An intentionally slow start that didn’t require an impact). Gimmick 7/10 (Light-switch emotions and mad facial expressions make her entertaining to watch). Push 8/10 (Overshadowed Trish for months, now women’s champ. Couldn’t ask for more). Ability 6/10 (Good wrestler but has shown signs of sloppiness lately. Hopefully just a glitch).
If you’re looking at the subject of ability then it might be best to turn to someone who has let their actions speak far louder than their words. Depending on to whom you listen, Bobby Lashley can equally be described as a clumsy greenhorn or a powerful young athlete with buckets of potential. It is true that at times Lashley seems momentarily lost when executing some moves but I think this is down to his surprisingly good speed getting him into positions out of which his restricted experience struggles to free him. Over time he’ll develop a better understanding of his own tempo and will wrestle accordingly but it cannot be denied that the physical building blocks with which he is working are far superior to most others on the roster. From a technical perspective, size and agility are an amazing combination when existing in such measures and frequent comparisons to the awesome Brock Lesnar are bound to be made until he can establish his own identity. As far as I can see, the only thing holding Lashley back is some mileage on his clock and some stories under his belt. Of course, a turn or two and a few reigns as a champion wouldn’t go a miss either but those are surely in his future somewhere down the line.
LASHLEY ... Ability 7/10. Impact 8/10 (Instantly popular, a bit of a dark Goldberg without the spitting). First feud 7/10 (Strong brawls with Finlay seem to light a fire under him). Push 6/10 (A decent push but sometimes more sideways than forwards). Gimmick 4/10 (Looks like Arnie, talks like Elmo. Whoever came up with the ‘little bodybuilder that could’ idea should be slowly eviscerated by Oscar the grouch).
One of the main drawbacks of being a rookie performer is that, out there on your own, it is so easy to fade into the background and not stand out from the pack. If only there was a way that you could take five young WWE wrestlers, give them a collective identity so they don’t have to stand out, have them wrestle mostly in tag action so their initial in-ring frailties would be protected and give them a gimmick strong enough to get them over with the fans before they’d wrestled a match. Actually, that sounds just like the Spirit squad. Kenny, Mickey, Sneezy, Bashful and Ramshank (or whatever) must have been thanking their lucky stars when they were spared the usual skinny white route into the WWE (jobbing for the next three years until one of them got a major kicking from someone like Bob Holly) and were suddenly interjecting every feud on the Raw roster, albeit through cheering and leaping about. Fast forward several months and the Spirit squad are routinely main-eventing Raw with big names like HHH and HBK and, most importantly, are involved in exciting matches and watchable segments in the company’s current number one feud. This doesn’t guarantee that each member of the squad will get a similar push when the team is eventually dissolved but it is a chance for each of them to advertise their abilities in the best possible light and stake a claim for continued interest from management beyond the diluted limitations of the group.
SPIRIT SQUAD ... Push 9/10. Impact 6/10 (Cheering for Coach not a positive start but it was immediately all uphill from there). First feud 4/10 (No one in the crosshairs long enough to be considered a feud). Gimmick 8/10 (So annoying you’d think they were the secret love children of Chyna and Bodydonna Skip). Ability 7/10 (Kenny seems the most gifted, but they’re all athletic, competent performers).
Finally we come to the subject of impact. Making a splash on your big entrance (and I don’t mean Lita with a post-coital wet-wipe) is one of the hardest things to achieve because it relies not so much on what YOU can do, but more on what WWE management think you can do. Unfortunately, when it comes to making an impact in the WWE right now there is only name that lumbers to mind and that is The Great Khali. Actually, I refuse to call him the ‘great’ anything so for the remainder of this paragraph I shall be referring to him by the name ‘Norman’ (apologies to anyone called Norman who isn’t a big pile of crap). Norman is the sort of anthropomorphic giraffe that gives Vince McMahon that tingly sensation in his grapefruits. He can’t wrestle, he can’t run, he’s almost completely incoherent and his deadliest move is most probably when, unbeknownst to him, he squeaks out a dookie during a match and it lands on someone’s head, killing them instantly like a branch falling from a big tree. The fact that Undertaker has put him over at a PPV, even though it’s self-contained because Taker will take home the heat when he wins the final PPV showdown and then kicks his ass all over the house shows, is a sad expose of this children’s charade. It’s not scary, it’s not necessary and it’s a poor use of the Undertaker who’s in good shape right now and over so big it would make Norman look like a hairy dwarf.
NORMAN ... Impact 9/10. Gimmick 3/10 (He’s tall and he drools. So what? My Nan stood on a chair can do that). First feud 4/10 (How is Taker supposed to feud with him? He can’t work or talk). Push 8/10 (Oh for f*cks sake). Ability 1/10 (To the best of my knowledge he DOESN’T actually shit himself during matches, so he gets a point for bowel control).
For those of you not keeping score, or maybe you got as far as “Wouldn’t it be great if...” and realised it probably wasn’t so great after all, this column would suggest that with a combined score of 34/50 I am proclaiming the Spirit squad to be the rookie(s) of the last year or so. However, if I was to create and award such a prestigious honour upon a WWE rookie then it would go to someone I’ve not mentioned in this column. If I’m scrambling for a conclusion then I guess it should be this ... several of the wrestlers that in recent years have been touted by some (not all) as future possible breakthrough performers (Victoria, Christian, Charlie Haas, Matt Hardy, Test, to name but a few) have for varying reasons fallen by the wayside. Now I’m not suggesting these guys would have made franchise main event or even a long-term belt holder but the perception of many fans during the early stages of their WWE careers has not come to fruition and rookies like the five I stated in this column have a long way to go before they should be judged as anything other than a work in progress. Remember, today’s rookies are the stars of tomorrow (Damn! Nearly avoided the Disney/dry-puke ending). Anyone got a breath-mint?
Lee
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