On the surface there are some glaring differences between God and Vince McMahon. One is an all-powerful, ubiquitous creator revered by millions who had a misunderstood son walk amongst us ... and the other is God. I’ve never really liked the terms ‘agnostic’ or atheist’ because the name suggests that there is a God, it’s just that I don’t believe in him, and that kind of strikes me as defeating the purpose of being one. To use a slightly confused analogy, just because I like the meal at a restaurant doesn’t mean I should have to worship the chef everyday for the rest of my life. But I am respectful of other people’s choices and I see no reason to attempt a wave of conversion towards a belief in the coincidental beauty of nature and the evolutionary process. Alternatively, Vince has done his predictable schtick of trying to turn every delicate angle in the WWE into a mixture of a joke, a publicity stunt and a battering ram, utilising all the usual subtlety and caution normally associated with root canal dentistry. But then, would you expect anything less?
It’s always best to start with something we can all agree on ... Vince McMahon is a whore. As soon as Vince gets a whiff of anything that might stir up a bit of controversy he abandons the ethos of using emotive segments and matches that convey a story and kneels before the twitching phallus of salacious attention faster than Pat Patterson backstage at a rodeo. The topics of death, sex, racism, disability, terrorism, necrophilia, facial disfigurement, homosexuality and cancer (to name but a few) are proof that there isn’t a sensitive subject that Vince isn’t prepared to bulldoze over in the name of “entertainment” and he often tests the idea that free expression is a blanket safety net that should catch him no matter how far he falls. Contrary to the number of times I blame Vince for WWE’s failings in my column, I don’t think there can be a more avid admirer of the ageing shitbag than me. His motivation and energy are second to none in the business world, he puts more effort and personification into his role as Mr McMahon than any other heel in WWE history and the sheer bloody-mindedness with which he enters into everything that he does has to be lauded, whether you like him or not. A hypothetical vote against Vince is a vote against hard work and the desire for success and is entirely indicative of this society that sits on its ass and wants what others have sacrificed to attain. All of the typical accusations aimed at him like “he’s too over the top” or “he takes up too much tv time” seem to me to be the ideal ill-tasting medicine to those fans who hate him already and, as we all know, the best fights to watch are the ones where, from a comfortable distance, you can see how easily the two sides were riled up, even if they can’t. If anything, it is this dysfunctional relationship between Vince and the fans that brings about possibly his greatest strength and his deepest flaw. McMahon has always claimed that he makes decisions with ‘the best interest of WWE fan’s in mind and to some extent that’s true. But taking into account the fickleness of a crowd engaged in a predominantly pretend environment, Vince also has to resist the majority of fan opinion for fear of letting the tail wag the dog. The recent situation with the World title is a prime example. Not only is Vince unwilling to de-push Cena or take the belt off him for any length of time, like a lot of fans seems to want, but he refuses to restore Cena’s unpalatable edge for fear of alienating his mainstream fans (or ‘parent and child’ as they’re otherwise known). Backed into a corner where he’s damned if he does and damned if he doesn’t, Vince will always lean to the side that earns him the most money and the success of the WWE reflects that stance.
It’s not as if this is the first time that religion has been usurped in the name of pro-wrestling. Although not on the same scale, Vince’s ‘greater-power’ storyline was clearly trying to wind up those with religious sensibilities but only served to annoy those wrestling fans that were hoping such a seemingly major angle wouldn’t end up at the feet of McMahon again, which it invariably did. Strangely, in an era where symbolism has become as much a sellable commodity as Pepsi or Microsoft, it is odd that something as manneristic as crucifixion appears to be the tinderbox that fires up religious zeal. Because of its higher production values and wider audience, the most notable example would be the Undertaker’s crucifixion of Steve Austin on Raw in December 1998. Now even though that was performed using the Undertaker’s symbol, rather than an obvious cross, the inference wasn’t wasted on Christians and it was seen as just another example of how the WWE and its ilk were undermining good family values in America. However, I feel the incident in ECW towards the end of the Raven/Sandman feud in October 1996 stands out as the most alarming from a casual viewpoint. Admittedly, Sandman was crucified on a proper cross by Raven, Richards, Meanie and Nova and the crown of barbed wire ensured that even the most historically retarded of fans would get the iconic image, but the real surprise came from the usually ‘f*ck you attitude’ ECW faithful who voiced their puritanical opposition throughout the angle. Prompted by the reaction, Raven was pushed back through the curtain to deliver the least sincere apology since HBK atoned for his part in the Montreal screwjob and some order was restored. You could suggest that there’s no hope for Vince if the rabid fans of ECW were so offended by bastardised iconography that they abandoned their promotional unity but it does appear as if the eight-year old kids and sanitised thug-wannabes of the WWE fan base are made of stronger stuff. Personally, I think the Christian faith should be heartened that such a redundant symbol of sacrifice and betrayal still has the power to move people, the majority of whom treat their weekly visit to church as sufferance for whispered requests and favours when times are hard and they desperately need a lottery win.
As for the match at WWE Backlash (which at time of writing is tomorrow night) I find it strange that some people are accusing Vince of blasphemy. In the build up to the bout Vince is relying on the belief that God exists, he has painted himself as the unhinged lunatic while God has retained his quiet omniscience and the cheap pyros on Raw two weeks ago that were intended to be a physical representation of the Lord are no more tacky or desperate than the trick statues that cry tears of blood or the unidentifiable blobs on various walls around the globe that are supposed to be the image of Christ. Seeing as it’s unlikely that God will pull on a pair of trunks and stroll down to the ring at the PPV looking like Moondog Rex on a good day, I think it’s tentatively safe to assume that Shawn will be wrestling a handicap match until another ‘heavenly’ effect causes Vince to be distracted for the three-count. The WWE’s track record of inferring the offensive situation but ultimately backing away from something that could be held up as a beacon of malevolence should result in Vince coming out on the losing end of the match and HBK and his beliefs emerging not just victorious but morally above the antics of his demented boss. As unappealing as Vince’s heel actions usually are, I’d be amazed if Christianity would be that disappointed at putting one in the win column over ‘Satan himself’.
I guess I could always give ‘McMahonism’ a try? Actually, even though those glaring differences between Vince and God still hold true, you’re basically still kissing the ass of a vindictive megalomaniac no matter which one you choose. Is that burning I can smell?
Lee
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