Pulp Wrestling - It's Only Wrestling
Posted by Jules McPherson
on 12/06/2006
"As I walk through
This wicked world
Searchin' for light in the darkness of insanity.
I ask myself
Is all hope lost?
Is there only pain and hatred, and misery?
And each time I feel like this inside,
There's one thing I wanna know:
What's so funny 'bout peace love & understanding?"
Elvis Costello
"Calm down Joey, it's only wrestling."
Don Callis to Joey Styles.
Only wrestling? Have I gone out of my mind? How can I say it’s only wrestling? Isn’t that like saying that by making those contractions in my chest and nose I’m ‘only breathing’… Surely, if nothing else wrestling is at least as important as that!
Some people take this shit way too seriously. You’ve seen them haven’t you? Every time their favorite wrestler suffers any kind of an injustice they are not just outraged or displeased, they get personally offended and take issue with anyone and everyone in an attempt to martyr themselves for the cause of ‘justice’ for their token idol. The trouble is, most of the time this martyring is done within the confines of an Internet message board by typing long winded emotionally charged grammatically indecipherable posts generally to the effect of ‘Vince McMahon/Russo is an evil bastard and we should kill him!’. Sound familiar yet? If you, like me, have been a member of this quaint little Internet Wrestling Community, you have undoubtedly come across at least a few, and in some cases many more than can be taken in, in one sitting at a time.
It never ceases to amaze me how personal some of my fellow fans can take this stuff. You’d think somewhere in all of us, there would be a part of the mind that could help separate what we take in as entertainment, and what we take in as ‘serious business’. Let’s get this fact settled once and for all. Wrestling is not serious business. Wrestling is one of the silliest creations ever devised, and that’s part of the reason I love it so much.
Unlike other venues of entertainment like sports or movies, wrestling has a sub-culture that is unique to no end. There’s just something so off center about us. Maybe it’s in the way we have all gotten taken in by the magic potion that is sports entertainment, or perhaps just the general weird nature of this pass time that we all spend so much time discussing and absorbing. I could go on for twenty more columns examining this phenomena, but really, you get the point don’t you? We’re a strange group of people.
Still, no matter how much we may try to act superior at times, we are all just part of the long procession following the big circus train around the country. None of us have done anything to warrant us ‘deserving’ this amazing little spectacle that is presented before us, but that should just make us all the more appreciative that it’s there to begin with. Bitterness and gratefulness cannot reside in the same person at the same time. When we can finally get off our idiotic mountains of vanity, ego and obsession it is only then that the true
fun of wrestling can really begin to shine through in amounts almost unfathomable to most.
Does that mean we can’t be emotionally invested in it? Of course not. That’s part of the f***ing fun! Get caught up in the match, or storyline of your choice and ride the wave of excitement, drama and high tension all the way to its fullest possible extent. Cheer, scream, cry, howl, let out sounds usually reserved for wild nights of passion while engaged in the act of sexual intercourse.
Emotion is the bridge that connects us to the contests we see on our screen. When you’re really hooked into a match, whether you’re laughing at the antics of some comedic heel, holding your breath at a dare devil like performance or cheering or booing a heel or a face, albeit not in the ‘just playing along’ way, but in the ‘I really hate this motherf***er..’ or ‘Yeah, kick his ass Stone Cold!’ that is when wrestling is at its best. That my friend is why it’s called ‘The greatest show on earth’…
The whole point of wrestling is to play with our emotions. The problem arises when us so called ‘smart’ fans begin to forget that the other side is just ‘playing with us’ and in turn begin to take every single botched move, shitty storyline, or any otherwise ignorable matter and pick it up as our battle cry. When we do this, we’re not fans, we’re fanatics… and that is creepy. I don’t mean Vince’s bare ass on television creepy either, I’m talking Dean Malenko watching Lita in the shower creepy. We’ve become so used to the open voyeurism provided by the free entertainment that wrestling offers that I guess, some of us just have to take it a step farther by pulling down our pants and following the nice busty stripper back to her car and give her what’s what right there in the parking lot. I know that’s a disgusting analogy, but, in all fairness, you should’ve seen the one I didn’t use.
So I guess some of you are probably getting pretty pissed at me right now for comparing wrestlers to circus folk and strippers.
Well, get over it.
Because to the rest of the so called intellectual world, that’s about where they rank, right alongside used car salesmen, and those people you see with those ‘Get R’ Done’ stickers on their pickup trucks. Is it fair that we should have to be lumped in with the rest of those undesirable groups? No, not at all, and the strippers and car salesman probably don’t appreciate being stuck down here with us either. People can be full of shit in any walk of life, and because of that little tinkling in our mind there will always be that need and demand to be ‘taken seriously’… And just as there will always be that frivolous little pursuit, there will always be things set up almost as if by divine purpose to remind us that we are all just as small, insignificant, ignorant, pig headed and full of shit as everyone else.
Don’t start wailing and weeping just yet though, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of those things, besides the last one maybe. It is in our weaknesses, the things that keep us from being ‘perfect’ or ‘pristine’ where our real selves and true happiness is really found. Life has often been compared to a rollercoaster, and I wholeheartedly agree. Now imagine if you will a perfect roller coaster. No bumps, no turns, no upside down loops, no scares, thrills, or chills of any kind, just a straight steady safe journey from one side to another, without any event whatsoever. Doesn’t that sound nice?
Uhhh.. wait, you mean that’s it? That’s the ride! That’s the f***ing ride!? That sucks ass and I want my damn money back, pronto.
Sorry for getting so out of touch with wrestling there, but I often like to take life in general and work it into wrestling, if for nothing else than to remind us all that we, and our heroes, are really no different from anyone else. That’s a hard pill to swallow for some, and I can already hear the counter arguments in my head.
“But of course you do realize, these men are highly skilled and dedicated men who sacrifice buckets of blood sweat and tears and leave their families for months and years at a time don’t you?”
Yeah I got that part. I still don’t see how it makes us or them any different from anyone else who does the same though.
“But, dammit… they risk their lives for us!”
So do firefighters, but as you can plainly see I’m not writing columns about them and their heroic exploits am I? I write about wrestling because wrestling is a part of my life that has had a tremendous impact on my existence. It’s cared for me when I was downhearted, provided me with many friends and acquaintances alike, and while sometimes it does neither of those things, that’s no reason for me to slap it around and throw it out the window when I’m not happy with it.
What the hell kind of friend does that to another friend? Yes, wrestling is my friend. I suppose some of you probably are going to turn that against me by saying that I now am taking this too seriously, but really, I’m not. I don’t know about you, but one of the things I enjoy the most about any of my best friends is the ability to not take them seriously. To kid and joke around knowing that nothing that is said will be taken personally. To be able to spend time with someone without having to put on your false guard to protect yourself like you have to do in the company of others. That’s what a good friend does, he helps, understands, cares, yet doesn’t judge. Even when judgment is warranted, which it often is, it is not yours or my place to dish it out.
For the sake of clarity here though, I realize I’ve done a good deal of generalizing in the above paragraphs, and I’d like to clear that up. All of this in no way means that we as wrestling fans do not have the right to criticize what we see, whether it be a positive or a negative appraisal. We’re the ones all this stuff is made for afterall, and we’re the only ones qualified to judge it when you think about it. We are qualified because we are wrestling fans. Not because we have any pointless inside info, or because we read so and so’s goofy newsletter. There’s nothing wrong with said newsletters and insider info, but, when you allow yourself to lie your way into believing that because you’ve ‘done all this’ that you’re somehow ‘better’ than the other fans who just watch and enjoy, then you’re not just taking wrestling too seriously, you’re taking yourself too seriously as well.
Wrestling can be a splendid piece of art at times. And even if you’re not into the emotionalism of it, there are always the finer technical points of it that are sure to please many. So by all means, nitpick and mock crappy wrestlers all you want, if that’s part of the fun for you. But, if you’re expecting perfection from everyone at every single turn of the corner you are going to be one miserable, miserable fan.
I like to think of myself as pretty diverse guy. I can appreciate fine works of art as good as anyone, but just because I can do that doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy a little finger painting now and then. So WWE might be low brow entertainment compared to other wrestling you’ve seen. Get over it. If it bothers you that much just either stop watching it, or learn to deal with it. So your favorite wrestler isn’t getting what you feel he deserves, deal with it. Hope he goes somewhere where he’ll be better used, but until then just enjoy the show and let the individual performers themselves worry about all that other stuff. Seriously, what good is it going to do you to worry or fret about it? By doing that you’re blocking your escape route. By that I mean, if entertainment is meant to be an ‘escape’ from our everyday worries, why in the hell do we then feel the need to spread the worry into there too?
It makes about as much sense as going on a tropical vacation in Antarctica.
If you’ve taken anything I’ve said in this column personally I’m sorry. I’m not trying to offend anyone, or put a negative light on anyone. All I want is for us to be content. Stop with the constant pessimism about everything. Even if everything current sucks, watch old tapes of shit you like and enjoy yourself for God’s sake. Life’s too damn short to spend bitching and moaning about a fake sport on the Internet. That said, if you enjoy that sort of thing then by all means, let loose and have a party. Just remember to not take it too seriously at the end of the day, because, it’s really just only wrestling.
So now to wrap this up I thought I’d put a new twist on an old subsection. Instead of doing the Ten Commandments gimmick like always I thought I’d instead tear a page out of the less heavy and judgmental new testament, and give you my Pulp Wrestling Beatitudes.
Blessed are the marks for they are the ones who get to mark out.
Blessed are those who analyze and study the fine art of wrestling, for theirs is the reward of knowledge.
Blessed are those who hunger for sanity in this insane world of wrestling, for they are the anchors that keep us from drifting away into total abandonment of the mind.
Blessed are those who don’t complain and the ones that don’t have to endure their complaints.
Blessed are the courageous men and women who will take up the torch of wrestling in the future, for without them, indeed, there is no future to be had.
Blessed are we when people revile us and persecute us and utter all kinds of evil against us falsely on the account of the type of entertainment we watch. Rejoice and be glad, for our reward is good wrestling, for in the same way they persecute us they persecuted many who came before us as well.
I sure hope I don’t get sent to hell for writing that. Take care, and as always, thanks for reading.
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