Hello assorted malcontents and other jilted, jaded and furiously frustrated wrestling fans all over the world. I am Jules, and tonight I will be your guide through this tassle of thoughts known as Pulp Wrestling. In the last few columns I have stopped counting what numerical edition I am in. So I can't with any degree of accuracy tell you if you are currently reading the 20th or 17th edition of Pulp Wrestling. However just to make up for lost time, I will say that this is the 'Five Millionth Edition' of Pulp Wrestling. So now that we have established the importance of this landmark edition of my column, let's not tarry about this introduction too much longer. Indeed, now before I bore you all to tears I have two duties to dutifully perform for you. The first of which is to present you with a hopefully erotically gratifying Pulp Wrestling picture and the second is to present you with a column that you will find at least somewhat enjoyable... Of those feats I can assure that I possess an extreme expertise about one of them.
The Revolution Will Not Be Televised
While I was busy working on some other stuff, all the while thinking hard on what the next edition of 'Pulp Wrestling' would be about, I got blindsided by the following topic. The issue of ratings is one that is frequently discussed among many so called insider fans. While it may not be a topic that you discuss that often, I'm willing to bet almost anything that you yourself probably if only casually even click on the news reports at various wrestling news sites when you see tag lines like " Smackdown rating hits an all time low" or "TNA is in the dog house with Spike TV".
To this I ask, why? Why are you so concerned with the success or failure of these aforementioned wrestling programs? Now I can understand if you happen to be related to someone employed by either TNA or WWE since everyone wants to see their family members do well in their chosen line of work. However, if you like myself, have no real affiliation with the business that goes on in those two companies other than your normal fan activity, then really, why even bother clicking those silly headlines in the first place?
Now that I've probably enraged half of my readers here, I will now cut a little slack to a select few people who actually should be paying attention to the numbers. That being the writers and bookers themselves. Notice I didn't mention the wrestlers because as important as they are, unless they are given something decent to work with storyline wise there really isn't that much they can do. Not to say that there isn't a hardcore sect of fans who will always tune in just so that they can see their favorite wrestler perform. Examples of said sects can be found in wrestlers like Chris Benoit and Rob Van Dam. But getting back into why the promoters, bookers, and writers should all be paying close attention to what the ratings are doing, I guess you could think of it as their own personalized report card. If they write an interesting show that makes people tune in, in droves then they have by all means succeeded.
However if their booking decisions produce a stale show that no one watches then you would have to submit to the fact they had failed at their assigned tasks. But we must of course remember that is their job, not ours. Fantasy booking is all well and good, and I have nothing against it myself. But if you really think you can do a better job than what's currently being done by either TNA or WWE writers then by all means, send in your stuff! I'm sure if they like it they will give you a phone call rather quickly. However, to just waste away half of your life on a message board arguing digits and buy-rates with other misguided troglodytes when you could have instead been busying yourself with much more meaningful pursuits, such as getting laid, learning a new language or perhaps even going after your own dreams for once, instead of just 'chatting' about them is insanely pointless and in the end achieves nothing.
There have been plenty of times during the last five plus years that I have been apart of this glorious little ensemble known as 'The I.W.C' ( Internet Wrestling Community) that I have damn near completely forgotten that it was in fact wrestling that we're all supposed to be communicating to each other about. Indeed, there have been times when some message boards and websites have felt more like a collected gathering of young Nielson ratings reporters just chomping at the bit to inform us all of what the latest 'numbers' were on RAW, Nitro, or more recently, Impact. It has been like this ever since I can remember first logging onto a computer and looking up the latest Raw results way back in the summer of 2000. I suppose I wasn't actually around for it's true Genesis though.
That aforementioned genesis I'm speaking of would of course be the now legendary 'Monday Night Ratings War' that went on for the better part of a decade between WCW's Monday Nitro and WWF's Monday Night Raw respectively. Before that time you rarely if ever saw the kayfabe wrestling magazines of the day ever mention anything about what TV shows were pulling in regards to viewership numbers. Before that point as Shawn Michaels stated in the 'Monday Night War' DVD there was little to no mention of what the ratings were for the various WWE/F television events at all.
Likewise, as far as I knew when I was just a wee little mark, the whole world and their mother watched and enjoyed professional wrestling. And to be perfectly honest, I would have been more than happy to stay locked inside that box of unenlightened thinking. Because now ever since I have been exposed to what exactly makes up the 'real' competition in the wrestling industry, I just can't help but judge every single show I see accordingly. Example, when I first started watching WCW, it was via their flagship 'Saturday Night' telecast that was taped in a studio that was believe it or not, actually smaller than the one that TNA currently uses down in Orlando.Yet, for some reason, that didn't seem to bother me that much, nor did it make me think that WCW was a second rate promotion at the time.
Now you may be thinking, what exactly does the size of an arena have to do with television ratings? Well, perhaps nothing, but I challenge any of you to find me one example of a wrestling promotion that ever drew higher than a 3.0 national TV rating without ever being able to fill up a big time arena. To my knowledge no company has ever accomplished that feat. And for most people who see TNA in that same small Orlando arena every week it must put some kind of perception into their minds that would consciously or subconsciously make them disregard TNA as nothing more than a bloated up independent federation with fancy pyro and a few past their prime superstars. I'm not saying that's how I perceive them, just it's one possible perception people may get is all.
Getting back on the ratings subject, rarely does a week go by these days that you don't see reported on the main page of some major wrestling news website what the numbers were on last week's Raw, Smackdown or TNA broadcast. In fact many fans and annalists clamor over these numbers as if they were little nuggets of gold. For those who wish to bash TNA endlessly, their continued low ratings provide ample ammunition to do so. And for those who will forever compare the WWE of today with the WWE of the past, one need look no further than the simple digits that the shows nowadays pull in and compare them with the astronomical numbers they were getting during the peak of the Attitude Era to base their theory that wrestling in general is on a downward spiral.
But I ask you fans this one simple question... Do you really care what the ratings are? Let's say for a hypothetical situation you heard your favorite movie of all time was playing at the local cinema and you in an excited rush had bought yourself a few tickets. Then when you get there you notice that you are in fact the only person there. What do you do? Do you throw away your ticket and go home, or do you stay and see the movie? Not to get too lost into the movie analogies here but I'd need one amazing calculator to count up the number of movies over the last few decades that I've seen that were absolutely awesome pictures (in terms of quality) that did next to nothing in terms of box office success.
Just take a look over at IMDB.com (The Internets largest most visited movie site) and then take a peek at what is the top rated movie of all time. It is 'The Shawshank Redemption' a modern classic that again opened up in the theaters originally to a loud yawn. Putting that aside for a second though, for all the raving that's been done about ECW lately, alot of people have seem to forgot that during its peak years ECW didn't even have a national television deal of any kind. Yet at the time they were putting out a product that many now say reinvigorated and rejuvenated what was at the time a stagnant and stumbling wrestling industry. Yet, for all of those accolades you must remember that during their peak years virtually no one saw ECW at all besides hardcore fans of their product and other assorted insiders. With that in mind it's a bit surprising then to think that they were at one time actually considered by many to be the number one or two promotion in the entire western hemisphere.
Now to put my spotlight back on the current wrestling world for a second, Raw is been getting some very decent numbers recently. They have been hovering a little above or below the 4.0 range for at least the last month now. Smackdown however though has been pulling in some of the worst numbers in the shows collective history. But until Kurt Angle was taken out by that big bumbling oaf Mark Henry alot of people were hailing Smackdown as the superior show. At least superior in terms of more wrestling and less nonsensical sports entertainment swill that is. Also TNA has yet to score what I would call an impressive showing on Spike TV.
Even bringing in established names like Sting, Nash, and Steiner have so far done little to nothing for them in terms of buy-rates and ratings. Still though if you listen to the hardcore TNA fans you will more than likely be in for at least a two or three hour lecture on just how superior the TNA product is to that of the WWE's. How can those fans be so passionate about a failing show you ask? It's simple, they simply do not care about the ratings. Not to say they don't care completely, but they have realized as every single other intelligent wrestling fan has realized at some point in their wrestling fandom that ratings are not something that fans should worry about. That is the job of the bookers and promoters, and to a much lesser extent, the wrestlers. Although having said that, I seriously doubt many wrestlers go into a match saying to themselves "Man I sure hope this match gets us over that 1.1 hump".. Instead they are probably saying to themselves " Lord let me leave every single thing that I have in that ring tonight"... As it should be.
To sum up this little rant about ratings I leave you with this little quote from a famous poem by Gil Scott-Heron.
You will not have to worry about a dove in your bedroom, a tiger in your tank, or the giant in your toilet bowl.
The revolution will not go better with Coke.
The revolution will not fight the germs that may cause bad breath.
The revolution will put you in the driver's seat.
The revolution will not be televised, will not be televised,
will not be televised, will not be televised.
The revolution will be no re-run brothers;
The revolution will be live.
In the end, ratings will always fluxiate. There will be good times, there will be bad times. There's no denying that simple fact of life. In one way or another during the last fifty years though profesional wrestling has found its primary home in the cool blue flourescent glow of all of our television sets. But will it always be this way? Every day internet technoligy advances just a little. Right now watching video on the web can be a less than totally fufilling experience at times. But as the years progress who knows what revolutionary developments may occur? It may someday come down to the point where ratings and buy-rates are not compiled from television units at all, but instead out of the world wide web. The seeds of this revolution are already being planted. So keep your eyes on the prize young steeds and be prepared for the forthcoming future at hand. Because I assure you good sirs, that the revolution, will not be televised.
Now before I swing out of here and get back to my other job of doing nothing I would like to present you with the grand return of Pulp Wrestling's Ten Commandments.
I: I am The Samoan Sumbission Machine. Thou shalt get me out of the f***ing X Division already.
II: Thou shalt figure out which two members of the Spirit Squad are the Tag Champs. Three men teams being recognized as champs I can almost buy, this five person shit though has got to go.
III: Thou shalt not feed your cruiserweights to Khali.
IV: Britney, thou shalt stop boinking Kevin Federline and getting knocked up and get back to what you're actually good at. Making God awful music and music videos for thirteen year olds to masturbate to.
V: Thou shalt not promise me a hardcore match on Raw and then renig on the deal.
VI: Thou shalt get Maria some new entrance music.
VII: Keith Richards, thou shalt stay the f*** away from coconut trees from now on.
VIII: Thou shalt get Lita back into the women's division.
IX: Thou shalt get Torrie Wilson and her damned mutt out of it.
X: Finally, thou shalt be good to each other, always.
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