Do massive amounts of blood loss and extreme gore make you feel queasy or uncomfortable? Does the mere thought of seeing somebody covered from head to toe in their own life sustaining fluids make you want throw up all over your keyboard? If so, might I suggest you spare yourself a couple of trips to the bathroom and stop reading now. Because this column, my friends, is going to get messy. How messy you ask? Messier than a Sean Waltman sex tape? Messier than the site of Vince McMahon's bare ass being smushed repeatedly into your open nasal or oral orifices? Alright, well, maybe not quite that messy. But it will be messy nonetheless, I assure you. So now that you have been forewarned, you may begin reading at your own risk. Just, keep those puke buckets handy... Ya know.. Just in case.
The Juice - Bigger, Longer and Uncut
Me a couple of Halloweens ago ^^
In wrestling, there is a time honored tradition that dates back nearly half a century (give or take a decade or two). It is called 'blading'. The act of blading in wrestling is primarlily used for storytelling purposes. Now for those of you not in the know about the finer aspects of blading and all it's ripe traditions, it goes like this; A person (normally a wrestler) sometime during the course of a match is slipped a small razor or other compact cutting tool normally by the referee (Unless they have it stashed somewhere on their own body, which seems like quite the stupid and dangerous idea if you ask me.) Then when they have said utensil in their hands and they are in a spot where preferably nobody is looking, they proceed to make a small incision somewhere on their forehead. This is done to create the desired illusion of massive amounts of blood loss streaming from their temple as a result of the ferocity of the battle they are engaged in. Sounds pretty cool doesn't it? When used primarily as a tool to intensify an already red hot feud or match, it can be quite effective, especially in the areas concerning fan excitement. When used extravagantly, and redundantly for simple shock value though, it gets repetitive, and defeats the entire purpose for which the act was established in the first place
Now of course, there are other ways a wrestler can bleed besides blading. One of them is called 'Hard Way' juicing ( As if there was an easy way to do it?). It occurs when a wrestler actually is busted open whether intentionally or due to an in ring mishap and then blood actually does begin to pour from his or her body profusely and, I'd imagine, quite painfully as well. These slip ups are rare, but they do happen, and for most wrestlers who consider themselves to be true 'professionals' it usually doesn't hinder their performance all that much.
In fact, if they are talented enough 'Ring Generals' then they might even be able to intertwine it into the overall story of the match. Now getting back on the topic of using bleeding as a method of ring psychology. In my idea of the perfect use of 'bleeding' (or blading) one must always take into account what it is the fans want to see. Back in the day people would have gladly forked over loads of their hard earned moolah to see people such as Ric Flair, Ted Dibiasi and countless other classic heels of that era spill their blood on an arena floor. In this aspect of it, the heel's blood was sort of their penance (or punishment), and as such it would illicit a positive reaction from the audience, and hence become, their reward.
However, if it were a popular babyface who was doing the bleeding, then it was an entirely different story. In these instances, blood was spilled to add to the dramatic tension of the match. The story of the match became much more heated in the sense that now the beloved babyface had an even more up-hill struggle against him. Could he persevere and overcome the odds? Or would he pass out and succumb to the massive amounts of blood that he was losing? It's basically your classic underdog sports hero story being played out, except with steel chairs and barbwire being involved. Ya dig? For an example of this kind of storytelling being put to effective use, one need look no farther than the classic Wrestlemania 13 match pitting 'The Hitman' Bret Hart against the then rising superstar 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin. In this match Austin had a deep cut opened up on his forehead, that in the end caused him to pass out while in the throes of Bret Hart's Sharpshooter. These two men danced one hell of an elaborate and bloody dance with each other on that night, that practically involved them both trading places as far as heel and face positions were concerned. Austin's extreme loss of blood in this match was crucial because it displayed to the audience that he was indeed what he said he was, a tough son of a bitch who would never say I quit, no matter what was done to him.
As I said before, I feel the act of blading is best done in moderate amounts and only under the most heated of circumstances. It's not something that should just be done in every match, less you desensitize people to it, and in the end perhaps even create a blood thirsty mob of fans who all in all could really care less about wrestling, and in the end are there only to watch somebody get massacred. As big as an ECW fan as I was and still am, I do feel that they partly helped to pollute the purity of the once exceedingly rare act of blading when they promoted vile matches like Ian Rotten vs Axl Rotten in a tai pai death match. And of course, every single New Jack match, ever.
But having said that, I must admit as I said in summation of my first ever column here way back in January, in defense of why I still tune in to every single wrestling show I possibly can that ''Perhaps I'm just a sick f*** who likes watching people bleed''. So with that out in the open I will now un-ashamedly admit that I got a kick out of watching the Rotten brothers maim each other with broken glass and staple guns, and also I got an equal amount of enjoyment seeing 'The Original Gangsta' New Jack beat the holy hell out of that fat ass f***er, Erich 'Mass Transit' Kulas with a toaster oven and then slice him up with a surgical scalpel. That was for me, high quality entertainment, and also let me state for the record that big wanna-bee Ralph Kramden cocksucker got exactly what he deserved, (and then some) from everybody's favorite hardcore mofo, New Jack. [/End of Rant] (Click here to watch that match in it's entirety)
I do realize that many people were probably shocked and appalled by that kind of violence though. So, for the opposite of that kind of morbid freak-show that I described above, there have been in the past, many wrestlers who knew exactly when and where the appropriate occasion was to break out a perfectly timed bladejob. Ric Flair is a classic example of that kind of person. When Naitch bled, it normally always meant something. It added to the match instead of just being a simple distraction from it or an excuse for gory close ups. For flair, bleeding was, as everything else he did in his match, part of the overall ring psychology.
This is in direct opposition to what a deranged mad man like Abdullah The Butcher (who would sometimes cut himself before the damn match even started) would do. To put it simply, when Flair bled it was an event. When Abdullah bled, it was a sideshow, a sickeningly entertaining and strangely enthralling sideshow, but a sideshow nonetheless. But then again, like my grandfather's favorite Opium dealer used to say to me, 'to each, his own.'
I could go on and on with examples I guess, but I think you get my point. (Or at least I hope you do) In the end, if wrestling truly is to be considered an 'art form' then I guess the wrestler's blood would probably have to considered as the ultimate 'paint'. Now as with any great masterpiece if you just smudge a bunch of paint on the canvas without giving it much thought, while you may produce something that is quite colorful and even mildly amusing, you most likely will not create a master work of art. Indeed, it is only when you pay close attention and detail to what you're doing, and take the time to hone your craft that such results can even hope to be achieved, and as with anything, practice makes perfect. So by all means kiddies, go out and grab your daddy's razorblades and start practicing on each other right away! (Jk)
Oh God, I'm going to hell for that one.
The Juice - Part Duex
The other night I was lying in bed trembling after a bad masturbatory experience that I had had involving some porn that I at first thought was completely hetero-erotic, but then as the moans and groans that the rather large chinned lady was making started turning to grunts and groans and she pulled off her dress to reveal... Well, let's just say I was having a bad night altogether and leave it at that. But that's not why I was trembling (not in the end anyway). You see in the end after I had successfully managed to clear my mind of my former pornographic misfortunes, I fell fast asleep without any trouble whatsoever. But it was not a peaceful sleep, not in the least. All night long I was plagued with a series of grizzly nightmares that saw five fearsome figures floating above me as I slept. They were all quite physically imposing even in their non-tangible disembodied state, and they were all completely drenched from head to toe in large amounts of blood.
To say I was mortified would have been the understatement of the year. I was shaking like a trailer full of rednecks caught in the middle of a 500 MPH twister. (Okay, so that's twice I'm going to Hell now) Slowly, and eerily each of these figures raised up their arms and extended their fingers towards me. Then they all began speaking in a random hectic frenzy of chaotic utterances, but I could sense that the general feeling amongst them was that they had been forgotten, and that they were angry. I was then given detailed instructions on how to appease these spirits. Out of these instructions was born.... This column..
Okay, okay.. so none of that actually happened.. I know I'm a master bullshitter aren't I? To give you all a bit of an idea as to what the following list will be like, I implore you all to check out the original column entitled The Juice'.' Basically the original concept was for me to present what were in my opinion at the time, the 'Top Five' best bleeders of all time. Since that time however I have delved deeper and deeper into this wonderful cache of wrestling history that is 'the Internet' and have thus decided to make an entirely new list based solely on the people whom some have said I might have wrongly slighted last time out. I hope this all isn't too confusing for you. Basically, I could do something thought provoking or incredibly original... but, lists are easier, and also more digestible and a whole lot more fun to write. So without any further adieu, let's whip out those cheese graders and dive into this bloody old bitch, shall we?
The Forgotten Five
First off, for those of you too lazy to click the links, the original list went something like this.
5. Ian & Axl Rotten
4. Steve Corino
3. Shawn Michaels
2. Cactus jack
1. Ric Flair
The new list is as follows...
5. Vincent Kennedy McMahon
Vince McMahon is without a doubt in my mind, the most hands on boss in the history of professional wrestling, or perhaps the history of any company for that matter. Disagree? Well let me ask you this.. When was the last time you saw Bill Gates or Ted Turner, ( or Donald Trump) take a horrific back bump off the top of a steel cage? Or for that matter as much as every single CEO in the world claims to have put and I quote, literally gallons of 'blood, sweat and tears' into their company, who amongst them can even hold a candle to Vince? Hell, in the blood and sweat departments alone he has the market cornered. Of course, it didn't always used to be this way. Once young Vinny Mac was nothing more than a humble announcer (at least in front of the camera anyway) who did nothing but call the play by play and horrendously over-emphasized and mis-pronounced such seemingly simple words such as 'Back Body Drop'. ( Pronounced BAAAAACK Body Drop)
But alas, all that changed once the aforementioned Ted Turner started breathing down his neck in one of the most storied rivalries in modern business/sports history. Basically, Turner had pretty much taken away all of the WWF's viable main eventers. Or so he thought, because among all of the Hall's, Nash's and Hogan's (and Hart's) that he snatched, there was one man whom even he did not have deep enough pockets to buy out, Vince McMahon himself. But seriously though, why would have old Teddy Poo have even thought about it in the first place? I mean for one thing, it's not like anybody back in 1996 could have foreseen the huge success that would have came about as a result of Austin vs McMahon. Success that has yet to be duplicated in the slightest, no matter how many times they try and rip that angle off. But anyway, this column isn't about all that. It's about blood, and Mr. McMahon has been in my eyes the 'Mac Daddy' of heavy juicing for quite some time now. The first time I can ever recall him letting out a ton of palpatory liquid would have to have been the match I mentioned against Steve Austin where he took the aforementioned back bump from the top of the cage.
Before that match Austin made some "guarantee's" that in that match there was going to be "bloodshed" and that it, "wasn't going to be his". He more than lived up to his end of that guarantee as well, as Vince McMahon bled like the proverbial stuck pig. It was not to be the last time we would see the boss bleed for his company though. He's spilled his fare share of the gushy red goods in plenty of hardcore matches against the likes of Triple H, Ric Flair, Hulk Hogan, HBK and finally in what will undoubtedly go down in my mind as one of the sickest bladejobs of all time against The Undertaker. So for that, and for just his overall willingness to put his sixty plus year old body on the line year after year for his company, Vince has definitely earned his spot on this list. Love him or hate him, the man has grapefruits the size of bowling balls, and I bet he juices them regularly too.
4. Bruiser Brody/Abdullah The Butcher
Before ECW was even a twinkle in little Paul E's eye, these two sick bastards were maiming each other all across the country, and the world for that matter. In much the same way I couldn't pick Axl over Ian or vice versa in the original list, I have a hard time picking these two men apart as well. Which may only be fitting, since over the years in their legendary careers, they have probably shared more DNA in that ring than most married couples will during their entire courtship. Point to whomever you like as the true inventor of 'hardcore' wrestling. Just remember that while you are pointing that somewhere out there, there is a mad lunatic with flabby man boobs and a blood-stained fork who will be more than happy to set you straight on a few things if need be.
The Butcher and The Bruiser as I like to call them absolutely showered the 70's (and 80's) in massive amounts of blood. These guys put on wars that would make the stuff you saw in Freddy vs Jason look like a damn cartoon in comparison. Although it was a large part of his character, Brody was not just all brawn and no finesse, as he was also capable of delivering one hell of an impressive leg drop off the top rope. And along with feuding with Brody, Abdullah also waged several legendary hardcore wars in Japan with the likes of Terry Funk and The Original Sheik.
In terms of longevity, no one, not Terry Funk, not even Ric Flair can hold a candle to Abby. As he was born in 1936, made his debut in 1958 and is as far as I know still active in various indepent shows up until this very day. Sadly though, the same thing cannot be said for the legendary Bruiser Brody. Although he was a true innovator in almost every sense of the word, he had his life tragically and violently cut short at the hands of one Jose Huertez Gonzales. He was stabbed to death in the showers after a wrestling event. The reason is unknown (to me at least), and what's all the more shocking and infuriating about this incident is that Gonzeles more or less got away with it. I normally don't like to go out on the record as saying anything so personal or diabolic, but I wish somebody would close the file on that no good Brody killing S.O.B already. All that aside though, I'd have a harder time trying to find reasons not to include these two sick and deranged mofo's in this list than I would have explaining it here. So with that being said, let's see who came in at number three shall we?
3. Steve Austin
The 'Texas Rattlesnake' as JR once dubbed him has probably been accused a time or two of having nothing but pure ice water running through his veins, as the name 'Stone Cold' Steve Austin would certainly imply. However as cool sounding a theory as that is, it has been disproved on many occasions by none other than the man himself when his so called 'ice water' veins were opened up and instead of that cool familiar liquid, what came out was blood, and lots of it. As I said up in the column above, his legendary bladejob in his Wrestlemania 13 'I quit' match with Bret Hart is reason enough for his inclusion here. Since it is arguably the most famous and captivating bladejob of all time. It is certainly at least the best bladejob in Wrestlemania history, if nothing else, and that alone is saying something.
Some of the newer fans here probably don't remember (except for WWE DVD releases) that Steve Austin used to be a bleach blonde Ric Flair wanna-be ( Not that that is a bad thing to be IMO) and likewise when he would bleed back then it would create a similar effect to the staining of Flair's bleach blonde locks. However, after he shaved his head, he achieved an entirely original and equally as 'beautiful' bloody trademark. Since he had no hair to stain anymore, when he bled, the blood would naturally pool up on his round globe in little droplets, creating in a sense a strange and morbid map of some f***ed up planet that resided in another galaxy, far far away. Aside from that notable feature, Steve Austin had one of the bloodiest feuds in WWE history against Vince McMahon himself. Though they seldom wrestled each other, you could be sure that each time they did, that Vince was normally in for some hellacious blood-shedding.
Steve Austin likewise by the end of the night would normally be oozing the juice as well. In a footnote to this inclusion, the first time Steve Austin lost the WWE title was to Kane (albeit only for one day) in a first blood match. So welcome aboard Steve. I know it's not the WWE Hall Of Fame or anything, but look at it this way, at least you don't have to be on good terms with me just to get listed here. This column is a one hundred percent kiss-ass free zone.
2. Dusty Rhodes
Before he was everyone's favorite black and yellow polka-dotted hero, Dusty Rhodes was once a legitimate tough ass wrestler. Say what you will about his 'work rate' (or whatever fancy term the IWC uses to describe wrestlers who have over 10,000 flashy moves in their repertoire when in actuality all they need is seven or eight good consistent ones to get them over) Dusty had a good understanding of ring psychology and a stunning capacity to absorb punishment. What Abby and The Butcher bled out of the 70's, Dusty Rhodes did more of the same in the 80's. Through his infamous wars with The Anderson's, Tully Blanchard and Ric Flair, Rhodes became one of the most popular wrestlers of his era. He was the working man's champion, in that alot of lower income people could relate to his slurred speech and overall bad attitude. I will admit he more or less resembles the guy who should have been playing the husband role on 'Roseanne' rather than a world class athlete, but that's a debate for another time.
What's not up for debate here is Dusty's bleeding prowess. The man is one of, if not the most prolific juicer of all time. To say he wasn't afraid to bleed would be an understatement. And no matter how much the WWE tried to neuter his character in the early 90's, after having downloaded several of his matches from the 80's (including a barb-wire ladder match with Tully Blanchard which you may view by clicking here.) I will never again blast on the American Dream for not being a true hardcore icon. He even had a short, but still extremely fun filled feud with fellow juicing aficionado Steve Corino back in ECW (circa 1999 or 2000) in which both men once again proved to the world just how sick and depraved they both were by battering each other with Kendo stick's, cowbell's and pretty much anything else that wasn't nailed down. So congrats to you Dusty, you may be the worst booker in the history of the sport ( Give or take an Ole Anderson or two) but you are without a doubt also one of the best bleeders ever.
1. The Great Muta
Now finally, the one you've all been waiting for. This one for me was a no-brainer, right from the start. Furthermore every time I hear that putz Mike Tenay refer to Christopher Daniels Moonsault as the 'Best Moonsault Ever' I always chuckle a little and think about the awe-inspiring flips across the ring that I used to see performed oh so perfectly by The Great Muta on a regular basis back in the day. I don't care what anybody says, those were the real " B.M.E's ". I can say that honestly, and with a clear conscience, because Muta was without a doubt one of the most innovative and athletic wrestlers in the history of this proud industry... And oh yeah, Red Myst PWNS Green Myst.. Tajiri...
After I finally got around to watching some of Muta's bloodier matches, I felt absolutely ashamed that I had left him out of the previous column. This guy was one of the greatest gushers ever! I would not for a moment hesitate to call him the Japanese equivalent to Ric Flair. ( In terms of great blade-jobs anyway) On top of those impressive blood letting skills though Muta was also a fantastic wrestler. Perhaps the best ever to be exported from Japan over to the States. I know I for one would take just one Great Muta in exchange for one million Kenzo Suzuki's any damn day of the week.. And I bet I'm probably not alone in that line of thinking either.
The one thing Keiji Mutoh A.K.A The Great Muta will always be remembered for is introducing the 'The Muta Scale' of bleeding to Professional Wrestling. Yep, this guy actually has his own f***ing scale in regards to the amount of blood lost during a match. The scale goes from 0.0 to 1.0, with 0.0 being the equivalent to no blood loss, and 1.0 being the equivalent to the amount of blood lost by The Great Muta in his legendary match up with Hiroshi Hase in 1992. In that match Muta performed what is widely hailed as the most sickening blade-job in wrestling history (up until that time of course). Oh yeah, for those of you interested in checking out that match CLCK HERE. Am I a nice old guy or what? So congratulations to The Great Muta on being officially listed as The Best Bleeder Of All Time (In this column anyway)
And now for yet another dose of honorable mentions....
If Vince can sign him for ECW ONS II, then that will be reason enough for me to watch that event. Period.
Rest assured if there was A Hall Of Fame for bleeding, this man would surely be in it.
Before he was a hardcore gangsta rapper, he was a hardcore blood spiller! Oh Yeah!!
Oh Tommy Boooooy, The Cheese Graders are calling... *promises never again to sing in one of my columns*
The man parties in blood people! How cool is that?
^ I think that means it's time for me to wrap this bitch up.
So that concludes this extended column on Pro-Wrestling's greatest palpataters. I hope you enjoyed it and furthermore, I hope to see you all again real soon with another edition of Pulp Wrestling.
Peace my brothers,
Jules.
Ten Commandments
I: I am Mr. Money In The Bank... Duuuuuuuuuuude... thou shalt have no other stoners before me.
II: I don't care if it does involve RVD getting a title shot, thou shalt not let John Cena anywhere near a rabid ECW crowd as they would literally tear his ass apart, piece by piece.
III: Thou shalt give back Mickie James her old look, please.
IV: Thou shalt give Edge and Mick Foley some major props for that awesome match at Wrestlemania
V: The same can also be said for HBK, Vinny Mac, all the guys in MITB, pretty much everyone besides Cena, The Boogeyman, and Mark Henry.
VI: Thou shalt give Rey a long ass title run.
VIi: Furthermore, thou shalt not let it be ended by anyone named Orton.
VIII: Thou shalt buy New Jacks new documentary, that guy is awesome.
IX: Thou shalt reunite Too Cool.
X: And finally, this one goes out to our latest Raw superstar, Armando Alejandro Estrada, ENGLISH MOTHERf***ER! DO YOU SPEAK IT?
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