Hello dear readers and welcome to the fourteenth edition of Pulp Wrestling. Today is this columns coming out day. It was a difficult decision for it to make, yet at the end of the day I guess it just couldn't keep hiding its true identiy from us all any longer. So it is with this in mind that I would now like to let my column make an important announcement to you all. (keep in mind this is not me speaking, but my column.. erm.. get it? got it? good...)
PW (Pulp Wrestling) - Well, Jules, my old pal we've been down lots of roads my friend but I must finally reveal my true self to you. You see, I'm not who you think I am. I've been leading a double life all this time. I think after this is over. Alot of events that left you and many of your readers confounded will now be explained ::rips of mask::
Jules: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! MY GOD!!! PLEASE! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!!
PW: That's right.... Jules.... You slapnuts, I'm back! ::Double J now breaks out the guitar and smashes it over my head::
PJ ( Pulp Jarrett): Whoooo! Aint I great?
Jules: Ah..... f*** this..... Welcome to Pulp Wrestling... *wipes the blood off of my brow...... Today our column is going to be.. ::CLONK::
PJ: Yeeee-haaaaw! Welcome to Jule's coming out party right here at Pulp Jarrett!... Slaaaapnuts!! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
::Suddenly from out of nowhere a huge cyclone of smoke appears... once the smoke dissapates.. A tall slim figure wearing a black suit with black sunglasses appears with a lit ciggarette dangling out of his mouth. The strange figure is also carrying with him, a pump action shot-gun ::
JT: Jules, don't worry man. I got your back.. It's time to smoke this fool!
PJ: Wait? Who the hell are y.... ::KABOOOM:: *Pieces of Jarrett are scattered all over the known universe*
Jules: Damn, John.. that was almost as disgusting as 'Look Who's Talking 2'
JT (John Travolta): f*** you Jules...
Jules: Right back at ya Brotha...
::Jules and Vincent Vega now share a heartwarming embrace::
Oh, yeah welcome to.....
My Heroes Have Always Been Gay Cowboys
Do TV programs with openly gay characters such as 'Six Feet Under' and movies like 'Broke-back Mountain' make you uncomfortable or, squeamish? Do you cringe a little bit when you see one man lock lips with another? If so, society probably deems you a homa-phobe. But you have no need for fear of such persecution here. Pulp Wrestling is an all inclusive column. Really, I'll accept virtually anyone here regardless of race, color, creed, or sexual orientation. As long as you've never stuck your drumstick in any of my family members or anyone under legal consenting age, then we're cool. You see, the thing is this, I have nothing against gay people. I have no problem with gay marriage, I don't even care if they want to adopt children. ( I actually even think growing up in a gay household might have certain advantages over some straight families, since there's absolutely no risk of 'unplanned parenthood' or unwanted or unloved children in that environment.) But still, being a hetero-sexual male myself, the sight of any two vagina-less entities engaged in any sexually overt act is enough to make me want to change the channel when I see it happen. Does this make me a bad or an intolerant person? I've known a few gay people in my life and I've never once been made to feel uncomfortable around any of them. What they do in their own personal lives is their own business. Like I said before, as long as it's not attached to my own personal being, feel free to drop your dipstick in any orifice of your choosing.
Now that we have gotten that out of the way, let's get back to wrestling. In all the years I have been watching wrestling, I have seen many various attempts by the WCW and the WWF/WWE to create successful gay and bisexual characters. The problem with most of these characters from my vantage point has been that they have all been little more than walking stereotypes and 'gay cliches' in pink tights. You are pretty much led to believe that they all hit the showers together after every match and then go out shopping for curtains and other feminine accessories together after every show. It's been completely ridiculous at best, and disgustingly offensive at worst, furthermore it perfectly represents pro-wrestling's classic history of 'corny' sports entertainment when dealing with any minority, whether it be blacks, Italians or alas, homosexuals. From my personal memory vault I cannot recollect one single attempt made by any wrestling company to try and build up a serious gay character. I say serious in the sense that his being gay wouldn't be made into a big comedy act, and not even necessarily mentioned by him or anyone else that much (Any more than they would mention that such and such a wrestler is straight anyway). Would it be that hard to push a positive stereotype for once? How about just a hard working, tough ass gay or bisexual wrestler who just happens to like men instead of women.
All of the wrestling story-lines I have ever seen devoted to the subject of gays in wrestling ( I.E Lenny and Lodi, Billy and Chuck, Rico , Goldust etc etc) have all been focused on either option A: weirding the audience out by having a gay character that likes to play mind games with his opponent, or option B: Making the wrestler/wrestlers into a complete comedy act by playing up the feminine aspect of their homosexuality. But what would be so wrong about making a character who was just gay? Not a weirdo who likes to wear women's undergarments, or a nancy boy who dresses up in pink and prances around the ring like the pro-wrestling equivalent to Tinkerbell, just a normal, working class, homosexual man who happens to be a wrestler as well. I'm sure a character like this would probably give wrestling a much needed reputation boost from the likes of groups like G.L.A.A.D and all the assorted equal rights organizations that exist out there. So it's a win win situation from that standpoint.
This kind of character might also help WWE with their annual 'Smackdown your vote' campaign that they run every election year. If they were to do this in a respectful and classy way ( I know, far reaching expectations, but I digress) it would give the millions of gay teenagers and young adults out there a character they could identify with and relate to. The only problem I can foresee is; Who would be capable of pulling off such a gimmick? I think the ideal candidate would probably be someone who is actually of gay or lesbian heritage himself, but not someone who fits the usual mold of a scrawny weak and feminine looking gay man. Perhaps Chuck Pulumbo (since he is coming back soon anyway and has a history in this area) could pull it off. The thing for the writers to remember would be this; Don't advertise his gayness as a part of his character. To do that would make this nothing more than a cheap publicity stunt. Just drop subtle hints along the way that will tip the fans off, but in general keep the character as a likable and respected part of the roster. The only people who'd play up his homosexuality for cheap heat would be the heel wrestlers, and even then I wouldn't recommend they do it in every single storyline, or else you would pigeon hole the wrestler and that is never a good thing to do.
Now when I say storyline, what I don't want to see is this, another openly gay couple prancing around on my television. Just because said wrestler is a homosexual doesn't mean he must therefore date someone inside the business, although I guess the best possible outcome for this type of storyline could be wrestling's first ever 'gay love triangle'. In this storyline I am thinking of, there would be equal representations of each and every sexual category of human being besides, Bestiality and Necrophilia which is WWE's territory and you don't want to mess with their legal teams over that, no matter how tempting it may be. The angle would start with your classic adorable baby-face wrestling couple. Let's say for the moment that couple for now is Diamond Dallas Page and Kimberly Page ( I know they have separated but just go with me here.)
In this storyline DDP has discovered that his former partner/gay lover and protege Chris Kanyon has been leading a dual bi-sexual life right behind his back, and furthermore he has also been f***ing his ex-wife Kimberly! Enraged by all of this DDP (The tantric Yoga instructor by day and Wrestler by night)) promises that he will make them both feel the 'bang!' This storyline could then culminate in wrestling's first ever bi-sexual 'Menajatwa Three Way Sex Toy Death Match'. In this 'Three Way' all the weapons involved in the match would be as indicated in the title, 'sex toys'. I'm not talking about flimsy rubber dildoes and French Ticklers here either. I'm thinking of a big hard metal cock and ball apparatus the size of a f***ing 2x4 that could really put a pounding on somebody. Or perhaps a a few whips and chains and some assorted nipple clamps could be thrown in as well. The potential for violence and eroticism here is endless. Are you listening to me TNA? I sense some of you are probably getting either a little overly excited or disgusted at this point so I will now move on.
I'm not saying it would be a sure fire hit if the WWE or TNA were to attempt a storyline or character like this. I'm just saying it would be something different, a change from the typical cliches that wrestling normally saddles any minority character with. The same thing could be said for any wrestling character really. How about an Italion character that's not in the mafia? Or a Native American character who doesn't hoop and holler like he's about kill Custer one more time? That would personally, for me at least, be a welcome change. But I know I'm probably wasting my breath by even suggesting anything like that ever happen. Wrestling has a long and storied history of mocking homosexuals. Perhaps it is retaliation to all the countless gay jokes that wrestling has been subjected to over the years because of some of the more 'suggestive' moves in the business. ( more on that later) From the days of Gorgeous George, to the days of Adrian Addonnis, and all the way up to the more recent era of Goldust and countless others, any character that is percieved as being overly 'flamboyant' is normally always regarded as being a heel. It's just a part of teaching the younger generation what it means to be a 'real man' I guess, since very few fathers that I know of (if they are honest with themselves) wants to raise a whole littler of male ballerinas. Not in this country anyway, where Children are enrolled into sports like Football and take Karate lessons sometimes before they are even old enough to read and write. The fact remains that for the most part we live in a male dominated hetro-sexual world, and I just don't see this status quo being challenged or changed anytime soon. However, for the sake of my penis and my rectum, I suppose that is not entirely a bad thing.
Okay time to shift gears and take this topic in another direction. What you are now reading marks the return of what was once a very special part of this column. It is the much awaited return of my former staple, The ever popular 'Top Five List'.. Now I know that the entire point of part one was geared towards giving homosexuals more respect, so this might come off as a little weird, but if that bothers you too much, by all means feel free to have yourself a good cry over it. So now without any further adue, here is...
The Top Five Most Homo-Erotic Wrestling Moves Of All Time
The following is a list of the top five gayest looking moves and manuevers of all time. For the sake of my super, 100% confirmed and undeniable hetrosexuality here, I am being joined in this part of the column by a panel of very special guests. First she is currently RAW's most articulate and best looking backstage interviewer and also my latest sexual conquest. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you, Maria. 
(God I hope CM Punk isn't reading this somewhere right now)
The next member of our panel is a former WWE superstar. He hails from 'The Land of the Rising Sun'. So It is now with great pleasure I present to you all... 'The Japenese Buzzsaw' Tajiri.
The final member of this prestigious panel hails from parts unseen (A.K.A, Dusty Rhodes nutsack). He is one of Texas's toughest competitors, he is Gooooooooold-Dust... 
Welcome to the column everyone, glad to have you all aboard,
Maria: Thanks for having me Jules, I'm a big fan of yours
Jules: Likewise Maria.. likewise..
Goldust: Who is this little fella sniffing my leg?
Jules: TAJIRI-SAN! NO!
Tajiri: Very sorree, very sorree.. *bows respectfully*
Maria: So we're gonna be doing some sort of list thingy huh?
Jules: *pops a boner at the mention of the word thingy*.. Oh.. uhh.. right you are. Today we are going to be discussing the five gayest moves in wrestling history. And coming in at number five is...
5. The Bearhug
Maria: Awwww... look honey, they're hugging each other! Now isn't that just precious? To think these two big brawling brutes who were just pounding the poodles out of each other a minute ago are now the best of friends! I just love happy endings. Hey, wait a minute here, why is that one guy screaming so loud? This is making me uncomfortable Julesy baby, will you change the channel?
Jules: Uh, sure *click*.
Now to add my two cents here, this has to be without a doubt one of the most boring moves ever invented in the 'Sport Of Kings'. It's basically as the name implies, one long, drawn out hug. Talk about anti-climactic, you know a move has passed it's prime when 'Mark Henry' starts using it as his finisher. Now that being said, I'm sure if I were ever locked in those large loving chocolate scented arms of Mr. Henry and he started applying ample pressure, I would probably be screaming just like a helpless virgin getting double penetration from the likes of Ron Jeremy and Tommy Lee. I'm not trying to imply that this is not a painful effective move, not in the least. However, in reality, all one would really have to do to break out of a 'standing' Bearhug would be a simple well placed bite to the nose of his opponent.. or a good box of the ears..
Maria: That's mean Jules... and that's coming from someone who knows how well you can bite. *giggles*
Goldust: Well, all that aside, I would have to concur that move definately does bite the big one. On a side note, any move that uses the vividly gay term 'Bear' in it's title, is a sure fire shoe in for this kind of list.
Tajiri: I need a hug...
Jules: Moving on, it is now time for our fourth induction..
4. Victory Roll
Jules: Also known as the 'pardon us while we 69 each other in the middle of the ring - roll', this move here has been a staple of many classic wrestling sequences. I have nothing against it really, except, that if I were a wrestler and another wrestler rolled me up in this precarious position while he was "excited". I would be freaked the f*** out, furthermore I would promptly headbutt him square in the johnson and then proceed to run back to the parking lot and to my waiting rental car as fast as I possibly could. From there, I would commence puking my guts out.
Goldust: I just love it when you talk dirty
Maria: That's gross...
Jules: You're telling me.. The gayness factor of this move is increased ten fold when done from the 'kneeling position'. I.E when one wrestler is basically sitting on top of the other one with his crotch resting firmly on the other man's face, ala Owen/Bret at Wrestlemania X.
Tajiri: Mickie Jameson, is HAWT!
Goldudst: That's 'Mickie James' you stuttering butt sniffer... But anyway, about this move. I remember when I was kid, my daddy used to do this to me all the time..
Tajiri: *moves a few seats down* That's a really, f***ed up.
Goldust: I can't understand a word this little bastard is saying Jules, can you help me out?
Tajiri: Joo are one very sick mudda-f***a!
Maria: I like rolling around, it's fun.
Jules: Well Maria, I don't know what I could posibbly say that could add to the pleasure of that visual, so by all means, let's move on.
3. The Death Sentence
Maria: Are they doing what I think their doing?
Jules: You mean what you saw your neighbors dog do to your dog when you were a little child? If so, then yes. That is exactly what is going on.
Tajiri: No wonda nobody watches that show.
Jules: On a serious note though, AMW is without a doubt one of the best tag teams to spawn out of the last decade or so. They have all the tools neccessary to become one of the all time greats. This move though, I just can't get past it. The finish with the leg drop is sweet looking, that setup however, is far from being anything even remotely close to that. Perhaps if the opposing team's member were being held up in a powerbomb like manuever before the big leg drop, then it might not seem like such a silly looking manuever. Alas, the way it is though, I can't help but include it here. Phew.. I made it an entire sentence without making one 'Brokeback Mountain" reference. Kudos to me.
Maria: Congrats!!!
Goldust: Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger can come play in my barn yard anytime..
Jules: Dammit, I'm starting to miss Jarrett....
Goldust: I remember him, My daddy used to f*** his daddy.. Those were the days,
Tajiri: GET ME OUTA HERE!
Jules: Moving on...
2. The Stinkface
Maria: I miss Rikishi..
Jules: I do too Maria, he was an underrated and entertaining performer at times, and this right here was the move that got him over so big back in the day. God only knows where he got the inspiration for this move, but wherever it was, I'm sure it was probably a place where it was 'Adults Only' admission.
Maria: Punk asks me to do this to him all the time..
Jules: *wipes away a trickle of sweat*
Goldust: He's a chunky bastard, that Rikishi, but pour me a couple shots of Tequila and I'd probably let him try that one out on me in my jacuzzi.
Tajiri: If anyone do dat shit to me, I KILL DEM!!!!
Jules: Damn right Tajiri!, Anyway, I can't take this anymore.. I'm getting seriously freaked out.. Time for some H.L.A! Whatta ya say Maria?
Maria: No thanks Jules, I brought my own water.
Jules: *buries head in hands*
Jules: Ah, that's better...
Tajiri: I RIKEY!!!!
Goldust: So Jules, the suspense is killing me. What is the gayest move in the history of pro-wrestling?... Jules? What are you doing? JULES!!!!
1. The Bronco Buster
Maria: Look!!! it's a Pony!
Tajiri: That is, very, very gay....
Goldust: How come he never did that to me?
Jules: Because you're even uglier to look at than Chyna. Getting back on topic though. The 'Bronco Buster' A.K.A the ' Sit still while I ram my nutsack into your face - buster' is undoubtedly one of the most flabbergasting moves in wrestling history. To this day I can't for the life of me figure out what purpose it is suppose to serve, besides humiliation that is. The best part about this move is the counter some have invented for it. That said counter involves the running attacker being subjected to a square kick in the balls in mid flight! I think Ric Flair was the first person I ever saw use this method to counter the move. God bless Naitch.... Oh yeah here's another picture of Jerry Lawler's ex-wife.
Maria: So, Jules are we done yet? I want you to show me that 'hide the salami' game again...
Goldust: Ooooh my.. Can I play too?
Jules: TAJIRI-SAN! You know what to do..
( Tajiri takes out Goldust with one well placed kick to the head)
Thanks for reading folks! Hope to see you all again real soon.
Alright now brothers, It's now time for Pulp Wrestling's Ten Commandments.
I: Whoooooo! I am 'The Nature Boy!' and to be the man, you have to beat the man!
II: Thou shalt not judge someone based soley on their sexuality. (unless it is Micheal Cole that is)
III: Thou shalt not leave the Smackdown tag team champions out in the cold at Wrestlemania!
IV: Wrestlers, thou shalt stop making so many 'Myspace' pages. You are not teenagers anymore. Grow up.
V: Thou shalt not even think of letting Mark Henry end Taker's winning streak.
VI: (This one is strictly for me) Jules, thou shalt stop forgetting what time TNA iMPACT is on!
VII: Thou shalt not let Shawn Micheals anywhere near the HOF ceremony!
VIII: But furthermore, Bret, thou shalt stop being so bitter, having Shawn just 'being there' would not take away from the sincerity of the overall moment.
IX: Thou shalt keep Wrestlemania under a day long this year.
X: And finally, thou shalt be good to each other, always.
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