Greetings dear readers, and welcome to the lucky thirteenth edition of Pulp Wrestling. I am as always your honest and trustworthy companion, Jules and today we will be embarking out upon a long and interesting journey throughout the countryside on our assorted motorbikes of thought. So if I were you, I'd take this final opportunity to fill up that teardrop gas tank and grab a bite to eat, since there will be no rest stops along this long and arduous journey. So strap on those helmets and kiss your momma goodbye, since it is now time for us all to take a fun filled and exciting ride through the demented desert of...
Oh, f***, I'm ripping off the wrong movie again aren't I? Dammit...
A Matter Of Respect
I've often thought that there should be as a prerequisite to becoming a wrestling fan, some sort of speech or lecture that one should have to listen to before being allowed to make that final damning decision about becoming a part of this strange, diverse, and often times dysfunctional family that is pro-wrestling fandom. That being said, I've been a wrestling fan nearly all my life, and in that time, I've endured countless abuse from friends, relatives and total strangers who all seem somewhat bewildered that I could somehow, "like this shit". I'm sure most of you have experienced the same thing in one way or another during the course of your lives too.
It's no secret that professional wrestling and professional wrestlers almost unilaterally are considered nothing more than walking punchlines in the minds of most 'sophisticated folk', furthermore, anyone who derives pleasure from watching two barbarians pretend to beat the holy hell out of each other must be suffering from sort of mental disorder or abnormality of the mind to begin with. To put it simply, if you like 'that rasslin crap' then you are probably, most assuredly, a hick, a hillbilly, or just a plain loser with no real future ahead of you besides maybe a minimum wage job at 'McDonald's' or your local 'Seven Eleven'. That's what those assclowns say anyway.
Yet, wrestling is from what I've seen from my own experiences in real life, and on-line, the only sport or entertainment entity that carries this kind of stigma with it. I mean, if you go to the movies and see a ton of explosions and tons of realistic looking fight scenes, chances are nobody around you is thinking to themselves 'Man this crap is so fake!'. Since that is kind of the whole point anyway. It's Hollywood, it's supposed to be fake. Yet, even though wrestling now openly bills itself as entertainment, whenever I talk to my non-wrestling fan friends and acquaintances, they always bring up those same tired arguments, like "They aren't 'real' athletes", "They're all on steroids", etc, etc....
But just take a quick look over at Baseball. (which is supposedly America's favorite pass-time I hear) They just went through a major steroid scandal, and yet while they are chastised, there is still at least some sympathy shown to those poor millionaire baseball players, who have such a hard life with having to remember which direction to run after finally hitting that ever so elusive white ball that is continuously being hurled at them. In the immortal words of Wrestlemania III alumni, Aretha Franklin, 'All I'm askin, is for a little respect!"
Now having said that, I'm sure if you're a fan of Nascar, you'll probably get that redneck tag thrown in your face a few times, furthermore if you happen to be into any of the more graceful or feminine sporting events in existence such as, Ballet, Figure Skating, or what have you, then you will probably get your fair share of taunting and abuse from the outside world as well. But, none of those sports that I mentioned there have associated with them such an intense hatred from alot of casual sports fan that professional wrestling has.
From the time I was in Kindergarten up until my High School years, of all the sports that I would hear being discussed at the lunch tables, wrestling was almost universally blackballed. Aside from it being brought up for the occasional cheap joke about how 'fake' it was that is. Rest assured, anyone caught trying to have a 'serious' discussion about our beloved 'Sport Of Kings' would be promptly shot down the social ladder away from the cool kids, and would probably wind up sitting next to the table of kids who were sporting with them all the various forms of hygienic issues, such as head lice, body odor, and just general lame-f***ness the next time you saw them.
Teenage social repercussions aside though, being a wrestling fan isn't easy in any facet of life. Just think back recently after the death of Eddie Guerrero, the way that ESPN radio personality Colin Cow-f*** (or whatever his name is) completely disregarded Eddie's death as a totally non important event. You'd never see that kind of dis-respect shown to any other sport besides wrestling. How many talk radio hosts do you think would be so jovial and uncaring if let's say, 'Barry Bonds' or 'Kobe Bryant' were to succumb all of a sudden to a fatal illness? I'm willing to bet that the number would be exceedingly low, ranging somewhere in the mid to low zeros. (aside from the shock jocks of course)
But why is it that wrestling gets such a bad rap with most people? Is it really all about it being 'fake'? Were you all that traumatized as a child when you found out that this whole thing was predetermined? And if so, why don't you harbor the same kind of resentment and bitterness towards other childhood and teenage institutions, such as 'Santa Clause', 'The Easter Bunny' , and 'Pamela Lee's tits'? I just never could stomach having a double standard set in place for anything I guess, one standard will be just fine, thank you.
Maybe it's not them who's weird though. Maybe it's us. Just bear with me for a second here. I mean we, as wrestling fans are definitely in the minority when it comes to our opinions here. (as well argued as they may be) And on top of that, it's not like it's just teenagers obsessed with social status and radio shock jocks who enjoy having themselves a good laugh at wrestling's expense. It's everyone, your mother, your father (but not mine, thankfully) and probably even your school teachers.
People who we all love and respect, cornerstones of our community, they can't all be misguided can they? Some of them will cite in among their reasons for not liking or respecting pro-wrestling is that it sets a bad moral precedent for young children. I mean the object from day one has always been related to a semi-violent struggle in someway, and in the years that have passed since the old two hour rest hold clinics that used to be presented in the early 20th century ,there have been many sickening additions made to and subtracted from that ever changing pro-wrestling rule book.
Getting back to the moral message here though, from what I've gathered, in most circles, violence is usually not considered the most favorable way to settle a dispute, however in wrestling, it is the only way disputes can be settled. It's our damn bread and butter for Pete's sake! I can't even begin to imagine what those critics of wrestling's by-gone eras would think if they were ever exposed to a full blown CZW or FMW event.
I say that because wrestling has come a long way in terms of physicality and 'gore' since the aforementioned 'rest hold era' of the 30's and 40's, with cheese graters, flaming tables, full frontal female nudity (boo ya!), and the ever present foul language factor, it'd probably start a moral crusade, or worse. (I know, been there, done that) So, I guess if that's your beef with wrestling, then so be it. That's your opinion and you are definitely entitled to it. The same argument can again be made for the lack of moral fiber in most main stream movies these days though, and I know there are always groups out there lobbying for censorship in anyway that they can get it.
But to those of you who don't have that solid moral ground to stand on, to you Baseball fans, to you Football fans, and yes, even to you psychotic Soccer fans, give it up already. You're not going to convert us, you're not going to change us in any way shape or form whatsoever, so just get used to it. If you think professional wrestling is all just a big joke, then by all means go to a wrestling school for a couple of days, and then after your through counting the number of injuries you've compiled there, come back and write a damn manifesto on how much fun you had learning to wrestle. Really, go for it, and after that why don't you go visit Darren Drozdoff in his wheelchair and explain to him how he's not really hurt. Tell him it's all in his mind. Professional wrestling isn't really that tough you weenie. I guess to quote the late great Rodney Dangerfield, I'm sick and tired of wrestling and wrestlers getting 'No Respect'.
To sum up this little tirade here, I am now going to borrow a rather poignant line from 'Mick Foley'. It's from his classic 'Anti-Hardcore' promo in ECW, and it went something like this, (please note I'm paraphrasing and have intentionally left out parts of this for readability reasons) 
"You see, back in 1985 there was a program on 20/20 which challenged the wrestling industry, kind of portraying it in a negative light. And Tommy, if you’re listening, try to understand that I was about the world’s biggest wrestling fan…so I said to myself, “if it’s the last thing I do, if I have to hold myself up as a human sacrifice, the world will respect professional wrestling.” And oh yes, that dream came true, I’ve sacrificed myself for the past ten years and left the better parts of my past lying on concrete floors, from Africa, to Asia, to South America, to right into the middle of the ECW Arena.
But what’s it really done? Where have we really come to? Lying in a hospital bed in Munich, Germany, watching my ear being thrown out into a garbage can, not being able to take it on the trip back because I don’t know the German word for formaldahyde, and having a nurse walk into my room, looking at that piece of my body that’s laying in the bottom of the garbage, and saying “es ist alles ein grosser Witz”, which means it’s all a big joke. Excuse me, I didn’t know, do you open up the lungs of a smoker and say “oh my golly, I thought smoking was supposed to be good for you?!” Do you open up Terry Funk’s non functioning liver and say, “oh I didn’t know that four decades of heavy drinking took this kind of toll?!” So if they show that much respect to the patients, then what made me any different?
Because I was a wrestler. And professional wrestling will never be respected, no matter how many teeth I lose, no matter how many ears I lose, no matter how many brain cells have to die!"
(Partial credit for that quote must be given to: Jon Tyler and his column "The Greatest Character In Wrestling History", Although being familiar with the promo myself, I did have to make a few corrections)
That, right there (among various other reasons) is why I love that sick man so much, he just summed up the entire point of my column in those few short slurred utterences. It's not just him though, in that promo he mentioned wrestlers like the 'Dynamite Kid', 'Ray Stevens' and others, who even the supposed 'hardcore' wrestling fans have forgotten about unfortunately. So the next time you happen accross the video of that poor wrestling fan who so sorrowfully bellows out that classic line 'It's still real to me, DAMMIT!' before (or after) you laugh, think a minute about all the countless hours, and the blood, sweat and tears these guys have given you. Then if you still feel inclined to disregard them and what they do, then my respect for you, as a human being, just fell right through the floor.
Okay, now that you've all managed to make it through my feable attempt at column writing up there, it is time for your just reward. So without any further hold-ups, here is your Ten Commandments.
I: I am 'The Prince Of Punk' and the real reason I'm coming back to WWE is because I think I left my old wallet at a Velocity taping last year.
II: Thou shalt not be a 'closet fan'
III: Furthermore, thou shalt not be a 'closet case', Jarrett.
IV: Wrestling fans, thou shalt stop worrying so much about the ratings, they're not your problem, trust me.
V: CZW fans, thou shalt NOT ever, under any circumstances cut a 'shoot' promo again. If you're not in the business, you have nothing to 'shoot' on. Capiche?
VI: Thou shalt stop wasting Goldust.
VII: Thou shalt honor the holy covenant with your creator by always ordering Wrestlemania. (and no illegal downloading dammit!)
VIII: Thou shalt always show respect for professional wrestling, and professional wrestlers. They put their lives on the line for your measly entertainment.
IX: Thou shalt not ever, challenge 'Steve Austin' to any contest involving the consumption of alcoholic beverages ( Unless your name happens to be either 'Scott Hall', or 'The Sandman' )
X: And finally, thou shalt leave some feedback for our guest columnists, they are quite good!
That's all for this edition of Pulp Wrestling. Thank you very much for reading, and as always.. be good to each other.
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