Hello dear readers, and welcome to a very special Valentines Day edition of Pulp Wrestling. I am the ever chivalrous Julius and tonight I will be your handsome chaperon leading you through the lovely landscape of pro wrestling. Your Horse and Carriage is waiting outside. So let us not waste any more of our precious time together. Because it is now time for you to be charioted off to the elegant ball filled with beautiful buxom bevies that is... Pulp Wrestling

I'm driving a big lazy car rushin' up the highway in the dark
I got one hand steady on the wheel and one hand's tremblin' over my heart
It's pounding baby like it's gonna bust right on through
And it ain't gonna stop till I'm alone again with you

Bruce Springsteen - Valentines Day



The life of a professional wrestler can be a very lonely existence. Long journeys down strange roads that lead to unfamiliar and sometimes unfriendly places are often all that await the wrestler at the beginning of his day. This lonely journey is multiplied infinitively by the fact that wrestling has absolutely no off season. I've always thought of pro-wrestlers as sort of a strange mix up of regular sports athlete meets quasi-rock stars. The only difference being most athletes who compete in the so called 'legitimate sports' all go through various elongated periods of time when they are not actively performing for their given spectacle.

This period is used so that the athlete may rejuvenate and refocus himself so that he may be fully prepared for the next brutal season of competition that lay ahead of him. Rock Stars on the other hand while always required by their fans to be bastions of creativity are only on tour every so often. And once in a while some artists have even been known to take literally years off in between albums and tours. This sometimes is an absolute requirement given the hard living nature of many of these people. Since if the excessive drinking and drug abuse didn't kill them, the rigors of time on the road would surely grind their creativity down to a stub. Just take a look at poor old Ozzy, who can barely f***ing talk nowadays.


Wrestling however, like I said has no such thing as an off season or time off in between big angles (unless you're the Undertaker). This is a business in which the Rock N' Roll party literally never stops. It is because of this I feel that wrestlers of our era have had such a heartbreakingly high mortality rate over the last few decades. But that's another topic for another day. Today our topic is relationships. More specifically relationships that develop on the road between people who often share nothing more in common than just a simple longing for that most basic of human needs, companionship. Now, having stated all the challenges that wrestling puts one through up above, it is not all that difficult to see why someone in this line of work will often go in search of someone who is also in the same line of work to form a relationship with. The benefits can be very rewarding if you happen upon the right person.

For starters there is the chance that your personal relationship might blossom into a very fruitful on screen relationship. You never know when you might just find the right woman ( or man) to which you have that all too rare cosmic chemistry with. Such a chemistry of sorts could lead to you becoming the next great successor to 'Randy & Liz', or 'Tommy Dreamer & Beulah Mcgillicutty' for those fans of the more extreme style of sports entertainment. But even if your relationship never see's the light of day on screen, it's still more favorable to most to have a loved one be near to them rather than having to be away from a spouse or family member for a pro-longed period of time.

This time away from loved ones is cruel enough on young single wrestlers. But as cruel as it is on those individuals, It can be down right sadistic on those who have family lives of their own to think of. Look at the recent example of Terry 'Rhino' Gerrin, who lost both his family and his job in a mere matter of weeks. The dispute reportedly involved his wife moving his daughter even farther away from him than she already was ( To England I think.) and thus The Man-beast went crazy backstage and was then given his walking papers soon thereafter from the WWE. That was a good public example, but I have good reason to believe that there are undoubtedly thousands more private examples of wrestlers who are going through absolute hell because of the strain that wrestling on the road puts on one's family.

But what are the alternatives to such situations? You can do like Booker T and Triple H and simply bring home with you on the road. Now I'm no psychologist, nor do I possess any form of college degree that would make my opinion on these matters at all relevant to anyone other than myself. But I would have to think that if there were children involved in a scenario like this, the constant moving around would probably be seen as detrimental in the eyes of most family doctors. That is why given the recent revelation of Stephanie's pregnancy I do hope she and Triple H will consider taking some time off to focus on the important things in life.

And I'm not trying to be like every other Smark out there by saying I want Triple H off my TV. As a matter of fact, I have no problem with him staying on my TV for as long as he wants provided he entertains me in some fashion and puts on semi-decent matches. Now ignoring the family dilemmas for a moment and focusing strictly on wrestling romances. What are the advantages and the disadvantages of trying to pull off a romantic relationship with a pro-wrestler? The obvious advantages are, a shared passion for wrestling. And also having someone close to you who can understand why you do what you do. Something alot of pro-wrestling wives outside of the business never quite fully grasp.

Now for the disadvantages. Consider this, say you and your Girlfriend/Boyfriend are going on about a relatively happy existence and then all of a sudden one of you gets fired/goes to another promotion. Now you are forced to make the decision as to whether or not this relationship that you formed up out of convenience is worth saving now that it has obviously transcended into the world of serious inconvenience for the both of you. (not to mention your employers) Speaking of employers, let us not forget this vital tidbit. Many employers that I have seen in my time have very strict policies in regards to inter-company dating. And why shouldn't they? If I am paying two people to perform a function for my benefit and I happen to find them performing a function for their own physical edification on my time. Those two are apt for a quick and stern termination. As well as a possible lawsuit on my part. Without warning.

Now admittedly no such policy that I know of exists in wrestling. Since as far as I know any wrestler can have sex with any other wrestler he or she wants to as long as said wrestler isn't previously spoken for. And even then it is often a matter up for debate at that. But the main question for this column is, 'Is it worth it?' There are a plethora of reasons that go against people making rash life altering decisions on a moments notice. Especially when the person is in such a desperate and lonely profession as professional wrestling to begin with. Broken hearts are something that all of us adults must learn to cope with once in a while, but still when one opens himself up to the opportunity on such a profound level there will always be consequences for said actions. Right Matt?

Here's another mark on the negative side. Often times wrestlers due to the extreme pain they are in are forced to either lighten their working schedule (which financially many of them simply cannot afford to do) or use prescription pain-killers and also recreational drugs so that they can make it through their day to day lives. When these efforts are combined with that of another abuser, the results can be doubly deadly. Co-dependency is an ugly word, and even uglier situation to be in. Take a look at the tragic tales of Lex Luger and Elizabeth and also Chris Candido and Tammy Sytch . All four of these people were involved in sustained drug abuse to some degree and you'd have to think that part of the reason for it just might have been their significant others.

I do realize in the latter part of his life though that Candido managed to get his act back together. For that he deserves all the respect in the world. Unfortunately though it looks like it will be a long time until Tammy 'Sunny' Sytch will ever find such peace in her life again. However for every horror story like the ones above. And the countless other tales of domestic abuse ( By the way any man over 200 pounds who strikes a woman *besides Nicole Bass* should be shot in the face, period.) there have also been at least a marginal percentage of healthy happy and long lasting relationships to speak of.

Take a look at the likes of Billy Kidman and Torrie Wilson. Their love is strong enough that Torrie even recently took time away from her job on Raw to tend to her husband's family affairs. And who can forget Trips and Steph, arguably the most successful relationship in wrestling history. I don't know if you could count Vince and Linda since neither of them are 'wresterls' but they are without a doubt in the business and it is from their womb that everything we see before us exists as it is today, So you have to give them major kudos for that.

To bring this little topic to a partial close, sometimes being in a relationship can be the most wonderful thing in the entire world. Other times though it can be a raging rocket-ship trip to Hell. To quote the late great Sam Kinison, "I'm not afraid to go to Hell man, Hell? I've been married TWICE! Hell would be like a f***in' beach resort for me!! AAAAAaaaAAAAAHHHHhhhhHHHHHhhhhhhhhhh!!!!"


_____________________________________________________________




Well, this section of the column is going to be a strange one. You see up until last night I was just going to write a rather long and informative piece on relationships and their effect on professional wrestling as a whole. That is until 'It' Happened. Perhaps 'It' was a sign from God or some other unnatural force. But in a scene straight from 'Donnie Darko' a rather large piece of an Airplane crashed straight through my bedroom roof and smashed my bed to literal smithereens. Luckily at the time I was down in the living room curled up on a big cozy Bearskin rug with one of my numerous female companions. So I was thankfully uninjured. But when I heard the thud, I quickly dismissed the lovely maiden and went upstairs to investigate. What I found was eye-opening indeed.


There sprawled out on my bed (or the remnants of it) was the contents of a large UPS box that had practically every single Valentines Day card and letter that was sent out this week. So... I have thus since decided to share these letters with you, My loyal readers. Since some of the names on the actual envelopes were damaged in the crash I may need some help from some of you more net-savy fans in identifying some of these people so that I may send them there mail via Fed-EX at a later date. Since alas, very few of them included their last names in the actual letter. Now aint that a bitch?



Joining in for special commentary in this letter-iffic edition is Pulp Wrestling's regular '10 Commandment' interruptee.. Jeff Jarret.



Jeff: Thanks for having me Jules, it is indeed an honor. *mumbling* You slap-nuts..


Jules: What was that?


Jeff: I said, lets get on with the letters!


Jules: Oh ok.



Letter number one ( LETTER NUMBA OOONE)



Dear Nora/Molly,


Happy Valentines Day Molly! I know it's been a while since last we saw each other, but I wanted you to know that I'm still thinking about you alot these days. Life was truly never the same after you left me for that Hurra-douche bag. But I'm willing to let bygones be bygones for now. I'll never forget the incredible summer we spent together in 2001. That was the most fun and eventful time of my life. In case you were wondering what I'm doing nowadays, I have decided to go back to my original career of teaching Kindergarten students. I find working with the little kids to be fully rewarding and time consuming. Also it allows me to express my creative side without having to be set on fire or thrown off of balcony's.



If you are planning on writing me back, do note that I have decided to legally change my name to 'Little Sykes Dunnally'. So from now on you may refer to me by my old initials (L.S.D). Furthermore now that we are both no longer employed by Vince, I was wondering if you would like to escort me to dinner at Chucky Cheese's sometime? I'll totally understand if you're busy or if you have other plans. But you know nobody would treat you as good as I would. You're one in a million Molly. And I really hope you liked the Tye-dyed flowers I sent. Alot of effort was put into those.




PS. Check out this photo collage I made of our glory days!




I still like you, alot.

Sincerely, Sykes.



Letter number two *Jeff* (LETTA NUMBA TWOOO!!!)



Jules: Oh, Shut up already.




Dear Sarah


I realize that a very long time ago you and I may have gotten off on the wrong foot. For that I am truly sorry. But I want you to know that I am positively a changed man nowadays. For one thing I have found a system of exercise that has changed my life for the better. It's called 'Tantric Yoga.' I have found that it really helps even me out both spiritually and physically. I also like to have a lot of young and attractive women around me when I'm performing my 'special stretches' as that helps to keep me focused on the task at hand. I was wondering maybe if you'd like to consider modeling for my next book deal? Along with this letter I sent both you and Mark a copy of my last self help book intended for those interested in trying Yoga for the first time. Hopefully these exercises will help add years onto Mark's career, both in the ring and in the bedroom.



By the way, don't tell Mark, But now that me and Kimberly have fizzled out. I'd totally dig seeing you again sometime down the road. Perhaps there's still a chance that I could make you FEEL THE BANG! Ha ha.. Just kidding. Happy Valentines day.

Your eternal love slave.

Dallas.



Letter number three (LETTA NUMBER THREEEEEEEEEEEEEE)



Jules: I swear I'm gonna kill your ass before this column is over with.




Dear Amy..



I am still having trouble coping with what you did to me. I find everyday is a struggle just to keep from killing myself. Even after almost a year has passed now. The pain is still just so intense that it is almost unbearable. I hope you are having a Happy Valentines day though. I sent you a box of strychnine laced chocolates, Inside the box there is a picture of us from the olden days. I hope this letter finds you ok. As for some reason or another none of my emails have been able to reach you recently. Must be some kind of virus going around I guess. Perhaps you should upgrade your system to a V1 or V2? Well anyway I want you to know that I still love you, no matter how big of a ho people say you are. You'll still always be my one true angel at heart.



PS, Our love may never die. But you will someday.



Tell Feces, I said hello.



Letter number four (LETTA NUMBER FOOOOOOOOO..... *shoves a Cello up Jarrett's ass*)



Jules: Damn, finally.


Dear Lita,

Usted es una puta. Yo le odio. Todos le odian. Espero que usted muera una muerte llameante en los hoyos del infierno para lo que usted hizo a mí. Era totalmente injusticia cómo usted me utilizó. Soy llenado de repugno para usted. Aunque pierda sus trabajos del golpe. Ellos eran impresionantes. Pero todavía quiero que usted sepa que yo wil nunca le perdona. Usted es el mentiroso más grande en el mundo. ¿Cómo podría decir usted que usted me adoró? Sé ahora que era miento y usted realmente apenas me utilizaba para entrar en la Federación de Lucha de Mundo. Un día que usted pagará por lo que usted hizo. Acabo de esperar que estoy allí el día que alguien da usted lo que usted obtuvo la venida. ¡Usted PUTEA!

Translation: You are a backstabbing whore and I hope you die in a raging fire-ball.

Essay Rios.



Letter number five.



Dear Perry.



Oh, how I long to be in your strong and caressing arms once more. Even though I am now nothing but recycled compost which has been turned (thankfully) into a pencil, I still will always think back on our time together as a very positive expereince in my life. You really helped me get my act together Perry. Furthermore, when we made love it felt like I was being dipped into the steamiest and wettest bucket of water imaginable. You truly are one of the best. Please, never forget me. As I will surely never forget you either.



Regards, Moppy.



Letter number six.



Dear Orlando,



As a fellow WWE superstar I just wanted to write you and express just how much I enjoy watching you every week on Smackdown! I never miss an episode that you are on. Furthermore, when I find that I am not going to able to watch the first airing I always Tivo the show 'just in case'. I think you are one of the most talented and unappreciated young stallions in wrestling. I know this may come off as slightly strange, but I was wondering if you'd like to maybe come and visit me at my ranch home sometime next fall? I'm sure you'd love the scenery and the visually stunning landscape. I'm equally positive that you would enjoy my companionship unequivocally. Well, I hope you get around to writing me back sometime. I have to go give my Valentine a little present that I bought her at the local Farm Depot. It's a leather cow harness with gleaming metal studs. You know how we do it down here.

Yours truly.

Trevor,



Letter number seven



Dear Sean, I just thought I'd let you know that the test results are in, And I'm afraid it's not good news. This year for your VD (Valentines Day) present from me you have gotten another kind of VD. (Venereal Disease)

Sorry baby!

PS, your Penis is not smaller than my Clitoris, no matter what anyone says.

Joanie.



Jeff: I think I'm gonna be sick Jules...


Jules: Yeah, me too, I think we should wrap this one up already.



Final Letter



Dear Torrie


I have sent you this letter along with a heart shaped thong to let you know how much I appreciate you sticking with me even after I got fired last year. You are truly the best thing to ever happen to me. I know how hard it has been on you having to pay all the bills here recently, but you'll be happy to know that I just got myself a new job at the local 7-11 selling slurpees. The other day I even ran into my old pal Raven. (who has gained quite abit of weight) We spoke a while about old times and what not and eventually the talk turned to women. I was happy to tell him that I am officially the luckiest man in the world when it comes to females. I am without a doubt the happiest married man in all the world. I love you with all of my heart. You're my shooting star babe.

Yours truly.

Billy


Jules: Well thanks for reading everybod..

Jeff: Hold your horses Jules, we have one more letter!

Jules: Really, who from?

Jeff: Someone who goes by the name of... Lillian

Jules: What's it say?

Jeff: Well, if you'd give me just a damn minute here I'd tell ya....



Dear Viscera, it's been a long and hard road recovering from our break up last year. But I just wanted to let you know that I have finally found a new love in my life. His name is Jules and he fufills every single one of my wildest desires. He is my one true Valentine this year. But I sent you some large dark chocolates anyway. Well, I hope you had fun with the Ho's.



Love, Lillian.



Jeff: Damn Jules, impressive.



Jules: Shiiit, all it took was a foot massage.



____________________________________________



Now onto The Commandments!



I. Thou shalt always love one another regardless of status or 'stroke'.

II. Thou shalt not cause old ladies to have heart attacks.

III. Thou shalt not wrestle 'stiff'

IV. Furthermore, thou shalt not be a pussy and whine about another wrestler who's style just happens to be more physical than yours.

V. Divas, thou shalt always bend over a little bit when entering into the Sqaured Circle. ( Only exception to this Commandment: Melina)

VI. Thou shalt not be angry at thy announcers for simply doing their jobs.

VII.Thou shalt have another 'Money In The Bank' ladder match this year!

VIII. Thou shalt not let Snitsky compete in it.

IX. Thou shalt not be dis-honest when releasing an employee. If you truly do not wish them the best in all of their future endevours. Do not say that you do.

X. Thou shalt not fear The Boogeyman!





Well that's it for this uber long edition. Happy Valentines day (weekend) everyone! And I will see you all as soon as I can with the next star studded edition of, Pulp Wrestling!

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