Welcome back, guys. Yep, I have another one for you today, and hopefully you all read the past column. If you didn't, please hit the back button, and look at the columns to try and find "Column O' Nonsense: Wrestler Ingredients," and if it's not there, take time to go here and read it The Wrestling Voice. If you have read it, let's go ahead and get on with the Nonsense Thoughts before going onto the main topic.
So let's see....we had Backlash last Sunday, right? What happened? Well let's see...Orton, Benoit, Jericho, Benjamin, and Victoria won....wow, big shocker there! Come on, who didn't see these outcomes coming a mile away? Foley is leaving, so who would win? We had two faces against each other, and one heel still pissed about what the champion did, so who would win? Ric Flair, an over-the-hill wrestler, matched up against someone on a major hot streak, so who would win? The Christian-Trish-Jericho storyline is far from over, so to keep it going knowing that Christian-Trish won one already, who would win? Triple H was leaving for a movie, and HBK is just like Flair, so like I have asked before, who....would....win? Use your common sense, people! Yes, the matches may have been incredible, and the card may have been stacked, but this has got to be the most predictable card in a long time, and as an avid viewer, I hate when WWE shovels crap like this.
Grandmaster Sexay? Back? Well, I can't say I'm NOT happy to see him back, but on Raw? And under his old name? Why can't he wrestler under Brian Christopher, or wrestle on Smackdown with Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikishi? Can't you just imagine Sexay coming back to Smackdown and feuding with Scotty 2 Hotty and Rikshi about how they have just forgotten him, and maybe Sexay recruits A-Train (if he was still on Smackdown) to be against them, as the forgotten members of Too Cool? Yes people, A-Train was technically part of Too Cool in March 2002, as the Hip Hop Hippo. But no, they put him on Raw, where he will be lost and forgotten and probably lose even on Heat. This again sucks.
I have to address something that I am sure you have heard of a lot, and have noticed it yourself. Undertaker on Smackdown....where is he? This completely blows. I have to say that Mike Steele hit the nail on the head with his column, because Kane had a huge push, and what did it culminate with? Kane losing to someone who appears on one TV Show afterwards and then to never be seen again. Even more, we are supposed to believe he and Booker T will face at Judgment Day in a re-match from No Mercy 2001, yet how is this match being built up? I'll tell you how: by Undertaker not being on Smackdown, and RVD facing Booker T in a feud? Look at other feuds that are growing. We are probably going to see Bradshaw Vs. Eddie Guerrero and Rene Dupree Vs. John Cena at Judgment Day, and these matches have already started to be built up. But Undertaker Vs. Booker T? No build up and not even a hint of it happening. This sucks....as does everything else I have said.
Well, you did it again guys. You lasted through another installment of Nonsense thoughts, yet what do we have now? The main topic! Yay! Now it's time for the Total Package, and no, I am not talking about Lex Luger. In fact, he is about as far away from what I am talking about as Triple H is from jobber status.
So let's recap for those of you who don't remember the last column or just didn't bother to read it because you're a bunch of lazy bums, and if you're the second one, I'm very proud of you. Anyway, in the last column, I said there were certain ingredients a wrestler needs to become great, and that those who have all are "The Total Package." The ingredients were in-ring talent, vocational skills, gimmick, charisma, look, finishing move, and popularity. So who has "The Total Package?"
Now, we know a lot of wrestlers already who have it. Benoit, Jericho, Guerrero, Michaels, Triple H, Undertaker, Angle, etc. But who besides past champions/main eventers have it? I have comprised a list of about five stars who you may not realize do have "The Total Package." So without further ado, here are the five:
Christian
Lately it seems no one can get under our skins such as Christian can. That smirk he emits when he does something heel-like just has some people marking out to the perfect example of heel tactics. This guy has it all. Popularity? When he comes out, there is always an eruption whether it is good or bad, and the fans never seem to give him a dead crowd. Finishing move? The un-prettier may not look as devastating, but the set up to it, and the way he executes it, is enough to keep this writer happy. Even the name just fits his character; he thinks he's pretty, and he'll make you "un-pretty." Look? Ever since he dropped the long hair, he seems to have matured and become a more marketable look, as the slicked short hair makes him more cocky and annoying than ever. And of course, the long tights and the flamboyant shirts he sometimes wears simply make him stand out in the crowd. Charisma? I saw this guy give all he could in a Ladder Match with RVD and still have the energy to berate the crowd and the audience like any good heel would. Well, see now you begin to ask, what about his gimmick, if he has one? Well, does anyone remember Jericho back in 1999? That's Christian right about now. Annoying, pompous, flamboyant, loud, et cetera. People now talk about the next Flair and the next HBK, but what about the next Y2J? Well he's here, ladies and gents, and his name is Christian. Well, we still got two to go: Vocational skills and in-ring talent. You have got to be kidding me, right? Do I even have to explain this....well, I think I will anyway. As soon as Christian takes the mic, we can tell as the smear/smirk rises that he is going to get our blood boiling, and does he? By god yes! Remember when he couldn't shut up about his &^%$ peeps and "The Peep Show," and do you remember how annoying it was? Perfect heel promos, weren't they? I can't wait to see how much more Christian can delve into the great art of heel vocational skills before becoming one of the best speakers on Raw, and trust me fans, he can do it! And the ring work? Like the vocational skill, if you doubt this, you need to wake up, smack yourself, and realize what an idiot you are. Look at Judgment Day 2003, Bad Blood 2003, Unforgiven 2003, Survivor Series 2003, Armageddon 2003, WM XX, and Backlash 2004. All of these matches were just incredible! Now, in a lot of these matches like J-Day, Unforgiven, Survivor Series, Armageddon, and Backlash, there were more than 2 people in the match, and often, Christian wasn't always in the match. But just watch those matches again, and I dare you to tell me he bored you or made you yawn even in the smallest bit. Christian equals in-ring genius. Still don't believe me? Six Words: Raw.....September....29....2003....Ladder....Match! If you watch that match, and then you don't believe Christian has it all, then I have failed as a columnist, and I will hang up my keyboard on the wall....but until then, we still have four more wrestlers to go!
Mark Jindrak
Now here's a guy most of you wouldn't probably look twice at, but if you didn't, you'd be missing out on a great wrestler! So let's break the ingredients down for Jindrak, shall we? Up first is his popularity, which I have to admit is not one of the most obvious things he has going for him, but ask yourself this: "Have you ever heard him get no response from the audience?" If you say yes, then I have to question whether you have actually seen this guy. No matter what, when Jindrak comes out, he always gets a major reaction. Now he is not at the stage yet where he gets it when his music hits, but when he comes out, the fans either boo or go wild, and that's something that will help in the future! Now onto his finishing move. Have you seen this thing? Have you seen how little Spike's next was almost crushed by it? The Crucifix Neckbreaker is one of the most devastating moves ever in my opinion and is just something I can see snapping down Eddie Guerrero. Well, next we have the look. You're kidding me, right? You expect me to explain this? He's got one of the best looks I have seen in a long time! He's got one of those faces that just scream "HEEL!" at me, and when he does that sneer, I know he can break some mirrors. It's just one of the faces you love to hate! What about his charisma? Did you guys see him Vs. Spike Dudley a couple of weeks ago? I thought that was just incredible as he displayed perfect heel tactics. Yelling at an opponent during the match? We don't really see that as much as we should anymore, and for him to do it in the early stages of his WWE career is just a perfect sign for me. Also, did you guys see him when he first came on Raw with Cade? His charisma as a face in a ring is just ecstatic and something that will rival people like Rock in the near future. Next we have his gimmick, which has to be one of the ones I love most of all time. While he doesn't have an original gimmick, he does have one that could arguably be one of the best heel ones of all time. If you haven't figured it out already, Jindrak is a narcissist just like Lex Luger was, except only this time, we have a great wrestler with that gimmick, not some clown who botches more than Hardy on Ritalin. This gimmick for him just has unlimited potential, and something I would love to see is maybe Long carrying a mirror to ringside so Jindrak can just stare at himself whenever he wants and get on the fan's nerves. Classic! Vocational skills are another ingredient of Jindrak that may not be obvious. While he might not get in the mic anytime soon as his manager will most likely beat him to it, Jindrak can put out some major promos. Anyone who is a fan of WCW or OVW can definitely back me up on this, and they, as well as I, are just waiting for WWE to give him the mic. And finally, his in-ring work, which is just a waste of my time to explain. Look at his work with Cade in Tag Teams; those matches are some of his best ever! He has evolved into one of my favorite styles of all time....the technical brawler. To me that is just one style that will always be interesting, and if Jindrak keeps up the technical side he had on Heat and the brawling side he had on Raw, my face will tire from smiling.
Jamie Noble
Now we have one of the best cruisers today. See, now you're probably wondering, "What is it about Jamie Noble? Why did you pick him?" Well, hold on, jeez. Give me half a page and I'll explain! Here we have a trailer trash redneck. That's a gimmick! But not just any gimmick, the guy talks, walks, looks, and even wrestles like trailer trash! Anyone remember when he inherited all the money from his dead uncle? Remember how funny it was? What do you think was able to make it funny? Uh...erm...duh.....der......his gimmick! Then we have his Tiger Bomb, and we have something that looks like it could and would paralyze someone even if done sloppy, but that's not all the West Virginia native has. Unlike others, Jamie Noble pulls a page out of Benoit's and Angle's book and has two finishing moves: one submission and one other. Well, we have the one other, so what's the submission move? The Trailer Hitch people, do we need to take you back to wrestling 101? What can say impressive better than a variation on a reverse figure-four leg lock? Even more, how can you do a variation of that move? Leave it to Jamie Noble to find out how. Next, we have him walking to the ring and everyone just immediately getting this vibe as he has the greasy hair and cut shorts. Here we have the look of a great wrestler as he is able to stand out in a crowd, or by the way he stands or screams. Does anyone else notice how when he screams, the hair on the back of his head vibrates? How often do you see that? Never! To have someone with the level of intensity to even vibrate himself is just an impressive look that is sure to be intimidating in the ring. That even ties into his charisma a little bit. Look at the guy in the ring; look at any of his matches. This guy can go for about 20 minutes and still have the energy to get up and scream at the fans or mock the wrestlers who are down, and when he does this, you couldn't even tell he's been wrestling at all, for he has no sign of fatigue, but the skills of a perfect actor. And this leads to his popularity! Through boring matches, through exciting ones, through dead nights, through active ones, Noble always gets the same reaction: one that is sure to blow the roof. As soon as you hear his redneck guitar riff hit the air, the crowd immediately looks to see what is going to happen when the trailer trash king walks out next. Remember the Nidia-Noble build-up? Remember how much the crowd was into the segment when Nidia put the coat through the wood chipper? How about the laughter when Noble looked like a toddler on the verge of a tantrum? Do I ask too many questions? No? You sure? Ok, anyway, we have his skills on the mic coming next. Wow, for about the umpteenth time in this column, we come across another area I think is insulting your intelligence by explaining. However, there is always that one fan who doesn't know what I'm talking about, so for you, here we go. Take a look at the way he cuts promos. The way he always follows around with how the crowd is reacting, waiting for each pop to continue, and constantly looking at them for the inspiration. Does anyone remember the promo he cut on Velocity back in 2002? He paused at least twice, but when he came back, he said stuff that just made the crowd roar with surprise and laughter. Like Rock and Hogan before him, Noble just has the flair to play off the atmosphere and deliver rock hard promos! And finally, we come to his in-ring work. Instead of going into details, I'm going to give you a few moves he has been known to do a lot:
Rolling Inverted Surfboard
Gutbuster
Backdrop Suplex
Super Rana
Swinging Neckbreaker Variation
Jumping Tombstone Piledriver
Look at that list, people! A Jumping Tombstone Piledriver! Some people in WWE can't even do a freaking REGULAR Tombstone Piledriver right (cough...Kane...cough....excuse me, I have a bad cough), yet Noble can manage to do a JUMPING one. And even more, he can do an Inverted Surfboard.....while rolling! Well, not really rolling per se, but you get my point. How many moves has Noble done variations on? Countless! They don't call this trailer trash great the "little Chris Benoit" for nothing!
Rene Dupree
Now, we have the great French phenom. The youngest wrestler to ever hold gold, or the WWE World Tag Team Titles. But what's so great about him? Well you guys know the drill after 3 other wrestlers, so up first we got popularity! Anyone watch Cafe De Rene last Thursday? Did anyone else notice how the crowd was into every word Rene was saying and was right there to respond with a reaction after every word, gesture, or action? Does that tell you something besides that I ask too many questions? Okay then, moving on to his finishing move. Here we have the flapjack. A little plain, a little old, and definitely a little trite, but he pulls it off better than 90% of those before him, and why? Because he has "The Total Package," that's why! Inevitably, we have the look next. What screams heel more than an arrogant smirk being accompanied by a lavish gown, shades of Ric Flair, and a yippy little poodle? Well, some things do, but not many! His entrance attire alone is just something to gape at as he walks to the ring with his gown, beret, and flag, and we all sit there wondering if he is high, the new Liberace, or just a new Eugene character! Like I said in the last column, the look must make you stand out and make you different than the regular guy in black trunks, and when Dupree comes to the ring, my point will never be clearer. Next, of course, we have his charisma. Much like Noble, this guy can go twenty minutes and still have time to taunt or do that little French dance that makes everyone in the audience want to punch him out worse than Triple H retaining at Wrestlemania XIX. Of course this charisma is going to elevate him to places that might make him dethrone Lesnar's place in history as the youngest WWE Champion ever. Now, we have the last two: in-ring and vocational skills. Look at Cafe De Rene. Look at how he berated Torrie, and how he was able to carry the whole segment. Notice how brilliantly Rene does the foreign gimmick by constantly talking in French so as to piss us off. Don't know what I'm talking about? When Eddie Guerrero was a heel, we saw him randomly go into Spanish, and I'm not talking about the words "esse" and "homes," but now with Eddie as a face, that's the only Spanish we hear. It is simply because they say it because we don't know what it is, and for all we know, it can be insulting us. Voloff did it, Sheik did it, Guerrero did it, and now Dupree does it! And his in-ring talent? Just wait till Judgment Day when this guy gets in the ring with Cena and prepare to shift your top 10 of 2004 around to put this close to the top. Trust me, the guy is innovative, electric, and never delivers a boring match even against the Dudleyz!
Hurricane
Well look-e here! Looks like my old friend Hurricane has made another trip to my list of greats. Seriously though, I know I talk and fawn over the Hurricane all the time like in "Wrestler Ingredients, Cruiserweight Main Eventers," and any of my PPV versions, but hear me out! I saved Hurricane for last, because in my own opinion, of all the people on the list, of all the people never thought twice about, of all the underrated people, he is the best. So let's break it down for you guys so we can finish this up! His popularity? Here are some little known facts for you:
1. It was documented in an old issue of PWI that Hurricane once generated a larger pop than did anyone else in the whole show in a house show.
2. In 2002 (and I think 2003), Hurricane outsold Rock, as well as many other stars, in merchandise.
3. The Hurricane's personal site generates so much traffic as a site that WWE started to post his columns on their site completely ignoring other stars who have columns.
Is that enough fact for you? Whenever the Hurricane comes in, whatever he is doing, wherever it is, Hurricane will always receive one of the biggest pops of the night. I seriously think Hurricane could come out, pull out the newspaper, and take a giant crap on the ramp, and the fans would go nuts and cheer for him! Next we have his finishing move. Well first off, which one? WWE has banned his Vertebreaker, and made him stop using the Chokeslam, but what about those moves? How often do you see a Cruiser do a Reverse Inverted Piledriver? Or how about a Chokeslam? Never! What about his move now? Shining Wizard? When you can run up to someone and deliver a move like this in one second going 5 MPH (or around that), I wonder why you aren't champ! The Eye Of The Hurricane? Amazing! The charisma he emits when he does it is just incredible! So that leads us to charisma, no? Well, look at it this way. The guy can fly to the ring in entrance; fly through the match at incredible strength; and then fly out of it afterwards. That's charisma to me, for this guy is RARELY standing still even if he has no opponent! I feel if he went to a match and it was Hurricane Vs. ____, it would just be him jumping around getting a huge pop from the crowd. And of course, they can't help but look; who else comes out with green hair, a mask, and a super-hero get up? Who else has a "spring/summer" attire and a "fall/winter" attire? As soon as this guy walks through the curtain, the people know WHO he is and WHAT he is going to do and people can spot him out of ANY crowd. And of course, this leads to his gimmick. If I had to put my top 5 gimmicks of all time, this would either be at a tie for number one or number two. I mean, how many storylines can you get out of it? How many twists and turns? Just imagine maybe Rosey becoming a Super Villian and Hurricane "foils" his crimes, or Hurricane becoming a Super Villian; the possibilities are endless. And of course, it fits his wrestling style as he "flies" in the ring and "flies" outside as well. This gimmick even allows him to have some of the best promos ever, which moves us to vocational skills. In 3 magazines that featured 2003 awards, guess what was voted "Best Segment of 2003!" Go on guess.......guess! Fine, I'll just tell you. It was "Rock-Hurricane" on Raw, March 3, 2003. Remember that? It was the one with Hurricane imitating Booker T, bashing Rock's strudel, and more! And in one magazine, guess what came in at number 3! The segment with Rosey and Hurricane fighting crime and being super heroes. Now tell me, why would these segments be so high, if Hurricane was lousy? Oh, cause maybe he's not? Because maybe if everyone in WWE took lessons from him on promos, we would have some of the best darn promos from everyone? Yea, that seems about right! So now what do we have left? In-ring talent?
Let me just throw off some matches for you today:
Vs. Kidman Vs. Tajiri, Smackdown 2002
Vs. Noble, KOTR 2002
Vs. Rock, Raw 2003
Vs. Flair, Raw 2003
Vs. Jericho, Raw 2003
Vs. Triple H, Raw 2003
Want more? Go back to WCW and to all the other promotions. This guy is genius, and I have never seen him deliver one stinker! From Shining Wizards to Vertebreakers, he is always keeping us enthralled!
Well, 5 pages later, I'm done and we have our 5 stars. And I will tell you this, if by Wrestlemania XXV, these guys have not either held Heavyweight Gold or Main Evented more than twice, I will stop watching WWE. That's a promise!
Well, now we reach the end of another installment of your favorite column, but I do have some parting gifts before you go: the QOTC, MOTC, Cheap Plug, and IQ line. So let's go ahead and get this over with because I'm sure you have better things to do than read my mindless drivel.
Well, for this column's quote, I strived to find one by one of my five wrestlers, and of course, I went with my strongest pick: Hurricane!
"Oh, really? Boyfriend. Singular, I hear. So you're limiting yourself to just one now?"
Hurricane to Nidia, Smackdown 2002
And now for the MOTC. Well, I wanted to give you a sweet one based on the 5 wrestlers up there, but I already listed any matches I wanted you to watch, and plus I found an even better one that proves how good both competitors are. I found this on the SLH forums, and it was simply amazing and one of those matches that had me from beginning to end. All I have to say to you is, "WATCH IT!"
Chris Benoit Vs. Triple H, No Mercy 2000
Now for the cheap plug! Well, on Easter, Mike Steele and I opened a brand new site called "The Wrestling Voice." It is the first of its kind as it only featured columns. Since then, we have branched out and are now featuring political cartoon-esque wrestling cartoons, and soon, we will branch even more to interviews! We will not have news, however, but to find some of the best views around, come to us! We have the work of many talented writers, such as Mike Steele, myself, Angus Wyrick, Adam Perez, Josh Garzoli, Headliner, Linda Robin, Dean Saliba, Wade Needham, Matthew Hils, Robb Clarke, and many more, and of course, we have the incredible artistic work of Annette Balesteri! Even more, we at TWV have one of the main goals always in mind: to give the young, new columnists a chance to begin and get noticed. So if you think you can write a column, or if your passion has always been to be a writer, or if you're just plain bored, go to TWV and fill out an application or e-mail us at jobs@thewrestlingvoice.com for more info! We are always accepting applications!
TheWrestlingVoice.com - The premier site in wrestling columns today!
Well, that's all for "Column O' Nonsense." This is Dougie Nunny signing off and hoping I dropped your IQ lower than the time it takes for Triple H to get the belt back!
AIM - Dougie Nunny
E-mail - dougienunny@thewrestlingvoice.com
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