Hello! Welcome to Column O' Nonsense again! Why don't we cut the fat, and just get started with the Nonsense Thoughts right now so you can all fall asleep before the main point happenes?
So it looks like we have something major happening tonight, right? What is it again? Insurrextion? Judgment Day? No, it can't be those for it's too early. Oh, I know, it's Wrestlemania, Part Two! Oh, well close, it's just Backlash! Don't believe me? Let's see...we have Christian Vs. Jericho again and, let's face it, adding Trish to it does not change a thing. We have Kane being squashed yet again. We have another women's match that could turn into a classic but no one cares. Oh yea, and we have the exact same main event! Oh, what in the world was WWE thinking? Well, I think I know what: "HEY, I got a great idea. Let's take the best main event in WM history, and we will do it AGAIN! Well, doing repeat PPV matches the next month didn't work for Steiner Vs. Triple H or Nash Vs. Triple H, they just got worse, but maybe lightning will strike twice!" Wow, looks like McMahon finally caved and tried some RVD-brand reefer.
What else is going on? TNA on FOX Sports! Finally......the competition has come BACK to wrestling! I for one will be watching this week in and week out. And why? Good Tag Team Division? No. Same Triple H-esque champion? No. THE X DIVISION! I now get to see the likes of Low Ki, Sabin, Daniels, Shane, etc., every week! Oh man, I'm just drooling all over myself right now! You know what would make it even better? If they did their first show with Ultimate X3! Oh, I think I would just have an orgasm right then and there......wait....I didn't mean to say.....oh hell, yes I did. Ultimate X beats anything that WWE has offered since 2003, so of course I'll orgasm to that.
Yes, I did just use "orgasm" in referring to a wrestling match.......yes; this is what is known as an awkward silence.....moving on....
Stone Cold Steve Austin is at last finally gone.....and I could not care one wink. Honestly, he was interesting up until Survivor Series 2003; after that, I just wanted him to leave or wrestler. Having someone who keeps getting fired and re-hired in the storyline is just insanely dumb. The ONLY thing I do hate about this is how they are not going to say anything about what happened to the Austin storyline, which just leaves about 2 marks out there rubbing their heads as to where Austin is. So yea, that kind of sucks, but other than that....meh!
Well, that's enough dancing around the point, so why don't we cut the rest of the fat and get straight to the main point of the column, and quite frankly, the reason you all clicked this link?
Well from the title, you all know what this is about, and quite frankly, you ALL know it's true. That's right, I am talking about the lost art of commentating, and believe me, it's been lost for a long time. How long you may ask? Well long enough that I have recurring nightmares of JR and King doing my eulogy.
So what exactly has happened to commentating? What have Cole, JR, Tazz, Snow, Coach, King, and the rest of the WWE commentators done that have made it just so horrible? Well, why don't we find out shall we?
Pay Attention
Well let's see, what do we normally hear when we have an opening Raw/Smackdown match? "Man, did you hear about what Bischoff did? I bet we will see some revenge on Eddie Guerrero tonight, huh? Backlash is turning into one big event!" Do any of these have to do with the match itself? Yes, if you're on speed and imagining Spike Dudley transforming into Eddie Guerrero! See, one of the jobs I feel a commentator has is to pull people and lure them into watching a match. Well, if they don't even want to TALK about a match, why should I bother watching it? Get my logic here? Why don't they just treat all matches the same? Whether it be a Main Event or an Opening match, why don't they just do them all the same? You wonder why people don't watch the opening matches on Raw/Smackdown, well, it is because you don't even have the interest in the match to TALK about it. Look at the main event, these guys can keep us enthralled and guessing as to the outcome with every word, but in an opening, Hurricane could be decapitated and I bet King would turn to JR and say "Triple H is the best, you know?"
CALL The Matches
You see, while they might not even pay attention to the opening matches, and only to the Main Events, they don't even call those. Instead, they sit there and talk about the issues surrounding the match, and what not. For example, if it was Shawn Michaels Vs. Chris Benoit, all we would hear about is how Benoit has earned this spot and how Shawn Michaels is amazing for coming back after back injuries. You want to interest me, WWE commentators? Talk about that stuff during crucial moments. If HBK is in a Camel Clutch, talk about his back injury. If Evolution has just turned on Triple H, give us the history. Don't do it completely random times, but rather when it counts! Honestly, one time I'm sitting here watching Triple H Vs. Hurricane, and out comes Ric Flair, and of course, King starts talking about Evolution. Guess what happens while he is talking about Evolution? Hurricane gets two pins on Triple H and almost wins, and then he gives him the Eye of the Hurricane. Well obviously we knew Hurricane wasn't going to win because all we have is some mindless idiot talking about a stable, and not the close calls we just got. How about you talk about the intense technical power Benoit has while executing submission after submission and reversal after reversal, rather than the fact he lives in Atlanta now? I guarantee you that fan interest will shoot up.
Give Credibility
In Women's matches, what do we hear? "PUPPIES! What a face! Sexy!" and more. What should we be hearing? "Beautiful Moonsault! What a Bulldog! Look at the frustration!" and more! Will we ever hear this on Raw? Probably not. And what has happened because of this? We now have more female wrestlers who are hired to "look good" rather than wrestle. Want examples? Sable, Miss Jackie, Torrie Wilson, Stacy Kiebler, and more to come! This is just ridiculous. You want people to be interested in ALL matches for the wrestling and storyline ability, not because you might get another Kat moment like at Armageddon 1999. Don't believe me? Why don't you try giving the women a little credibility as wrestlers and not as objects for little teenage boys to picture of while in the shower? And for the record, it's not just King, it's ALL the commentators.
Stop The Bickering
How often has an impressive move or situation been overlooked because Tazz is calling Michael an idiot? How about because King and JR are arguing over Triple H's greatness? A LOT! I recognize that this bickering is funny at times, and often puts them over as heels and/or faces, but do they really need to do it when there is an important match going on? No! Can't the other just simply say, "Well, that's where we differ," and then go back to the match? Well, obviously not in McMahon's head.
Play Your Roles
We all know that WWE would always like to have one face and one heel commentator, but does this always happen? Well let's see, when King and JR were fired from Raw, which was the heel? Umm.....the blind guy? Well, that's a good guess since there was no heel, but it is of course wrong, but don't beat yourself up, it was a trick question, so here is a lollipop. Yea, I hope you enjoy that, because you can't enjoy the fact that we had King as a face when speaking on Bischoff, Coach, and Snow, but as a heel when speaking on Triple H and others. Don't worry, it doesn't make sense to me either, so don't feel bad! Why would someone who supports Triple H hate Bischoff? Or why would someone hate Bischoff, yet then love Johnny Nitro, his new lackey? Yea, it makes about as much sense as why Triple H is STILL in the main event.
Well, now you see why the commentating art we all used to know and love has detoriated into 2 guys sitting there and talking about what ever the hell pops into their mind. Don't believe me? Wait a few months and I guarantee you JR will start talking about how his barbecue gave him gas.
That's about all about the "Lost Art of Commentating," but for those new readers, we still aren't done! We still have the QOTC, MOTC, Cheap Plug, and IQ Phrase to go. Don't know what those are? Sit down and enjoy them, because here they come!
Now for the QOTC, I have decided to pick something that illustrates my point about paying attention during matches. Well, here you go:
"Alundra Blaze has a million dollar body, but a ten cent face!" - Jerry Lawler, while Alundra Blaze picks up the win in a complete upset.
And what about the match? Well, why don't we try one that has some good commentating for a change? Try this one on for size:
Kurt Angle Vs. Shane McMahon, Street Fight, King of the Ring 2001
While this match is known for its impressive athleticism, it is also known for Heyman and Ross doing a stand up job calling it.
So what's left of this column? Well, one week ago, Mike Steele and I opened a new site called "The Wrestling Voice." It is an all columns site....that's right, an ALL columns site. News? You won't find it here. Nude pics of Stacy Kiebler? Go somewhere else, cause all we have are columns. As of the publication of this column, we have about 30 people writing for the site including such big names as Linda Robin and The Headliner, and some up and coming writers like Angus Wyrick and Adam Perez. We are still, however, looking for columnists to write for us, and we will never have enough. If you think you have some good skills or you just wanna try and write for us for fun, please send an application to jobs@thewrestlingvoice.com with a sample that has a minimum of 500 words!
TheWrestlingVoice.com - The premier site in wrestling columns today! - http://thewrestlingvoice.com
That's it from Column O' Nonsense, and this is your writer, Dougie Nunny, signing off and saying I hope I lowered your IQ lower than seconds of actual commentating we will have at Backlash tonight!
AIM - Dougie Nunny
E-mail - dougienunny@thewrestlingvoice.com
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