For Ken
This is about loss. When I was twenty-one I was in the Navy. I was out to sea doing my job when the ship’s chaplain approached me. She said, “Freddy (as everyone called me since my last name was Krueger), I need to talk to you” as she motioned me to walk with her. If anyone out there is reading this and has been in the military, you know that when the chaplain is calling you, something bad has happened. I panicked and blurted out “Who died?” She was reluctant to answer me with good reason but I was persistent. “Who died?” I repeated. She replied, “Your brother.” Even writing this I can still feel the emotions I felt at that moment. I’m having a hard time keeping it in. “Which one?” I somberly asked. I know it was at this point that the chaplain realized she made a huge mistake. It was not her fault really. I wasn’t going to move from that spot until I knew what was going on but she didn’t know which brother. Realizing that I was on the verge of having a complete mental breakdown we went to her office. She pulled out the piece of paper with the information and said, “I made a mistake. Your brother-in-law passed away.” To my shame I felt relieved at that moment. It wasn’t my brother. Then I realized it was my wife’s brother and my friend. My heart sunk again. I didn’t cry at that moment. I think I was in shock. I remember telling the chaplain about how he just came back to the states after years of military service in Asia. I remember saying how his wife just had a son that he had never met.
I went down to my berthing (this is where you live on ship) and climbed into my rack. I put on my headphones. It just so happened that a tape that my brother-in-law made me was in. The song came on. It was “Say Hello to Heaven” by Temple of the Dog. I had been listening to the tape before work and I totally forgot it was in. It seems almost poignant that that particular song by that particular band was playing on one of the only tapes my brother-in-law made me. Temple of the Dog was a tribute band. The lead singer of Mother Love Bone died before they ever hit the big time. Some of the members of Mother Love Bone went on to form Pearl Jam but before they did they made a tribute album dedicated to their late lead singer, Andrew Wood, with Soundgarden. I found a little corner to hide and I cried. I don’t mean tears ran down my face. I mean I fell apart. I fell apart for myself and for my wife and for everyone who knew and loved Ken, my brother-in-law. Some of my friends found me slumped over and picked me up as only friends can.
This was over fourteen years ago and I still have a hard time talking about it. It was at a time in my life where everything was changing. I had just gotten married, I was just getting started in the military, and I was away from my friends and family. They got a hold of my wife through a series of radio operators, for whom I will forever be grateful. We decided that I would get off ship when we reached Spain. I remember having to go to work for the next couple of days and being in a daze; it wasn’t like I had any other options. I was more worried for my wife and her family more than anything. The day before we reached Spain one of the guys I was working with made a moronic statement to me. He said, “At least you get to see your wife.” I started yelling and cussing and soon other guys had to get between us before it turned into a brawl.
I buried my brother-in-law a few days later in Kentucky but I never forgot about him. That’s the thing with loss. You might lose someone you care about but it almost serves to sharpen those memories you have of your loved one. I remember walking down to a liquor store with him just before I went to boot camp and commenting on the yellow footprints the liquor store had on the floor that led to the register. I remember saying it was for the really drunk customers. It really was a Lotto promotion having something to do with a theme similar to “Follow the Yellow Brick Road.” We laughed thinking about how ridiculous that would be. Hours later as the party raged on, we had to make another beer run. We had consumed more than our share and needed help in the store. So there was Ken, his best friend Jr., and myself intently staring at the yellow footprints that lead to the register. I remember talking about music, comics, and women with him. I remember he gave me some of the worst advice and greatest stories about military life. I still own the Temple of the Dog CD but I haven’t listened to it. I just can’t bring myself to. I don’t know if it’s that I’m worried it will reopen old wounds or that it is a tribute to a lost friend and family member. But the CD sits with the rest of CDs. I will never get rid of it and I will never forget the significance of what it means to me.
What does this have to do with wrestling? Eddie Guerrero passed away last year. It was a tragedy and a major loss to sports entertainment. He “lied, cheated, and stole” his way to immortality. He was one of the few artists in the squared circle that left everything he had in the ring. He wrestled hurt, tired, homesick, and through adversities that I can’t even imagine. He became a World Champion one match a time. He didn’t just get some push because he was Vince McMahon’s new discovery. He earned it in every city he traveled and with every crowd he entertained. He will never be forgotten by the wrestling fans and deservedly so, but SmackDown! continues to use his death as part of the storylines. I have no doubt that Eddie Guerrero’s friends and family thought really long and hard about this. I’m sure that they thought it would be a way to keep his name on the fans lips. Maybe even Eddie himself is looking down enjoying how the storyline is turning out and thinking about how controversial it is. Perhaps he even gets that little devious grin he used to get in the ring right before he pulled one over on his opponent or the ref. Maybe.
But for most of us out there that have lost someone we cared about, we couldn’t imagine using that person’s loss as a plot line or a continuing story. Do I want Ken remembered? Of course. I was just thinking about him today. Sometimes I’ll start singing “Say Hello to Heaven” to myself while I’m driving and I think that Ken must be looking down on me or checking in on his son. I wonder how different my nephew’s life would be if he were here. I pray that I haven’t let Ken down with how I help out my nephew. I think of how my wife lost her only brother and it makes me appreciate my brothers more. I think of how my father-in-law was devastated and how I never want to experience that loss. But I never think of using his name for weekly entertainment. It’s time to let Eddie Guerrero rest. He will never be forgotten, no matter if his name is not mentioned every week. He will never be forgotten as long as people keep a little place in their hearts and memories for how he touched them. I may not talk about Ken every day and I can almost guarantee that this will be his one and only column from me but I will never forget him and how he touched my life, no matter how brief our friendship was. This was for Kenneth Harrod.
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